Innocence

The big brown eyes
they coo her naivety

The small red lips
smiles brightly at all strangers

She playfully dances around
unaware of the horrors around her

Playing princess, or fairy
always in her childish mind

Sweet happy thoughts
doesn't understand Evil

The shadows creep up
but her goodness repels them

Soon she will grow up
and her innocence will fade away

Fade slowly but surely
her innocence will inevitably cease to be....



I just wrote this COMPLETELY randomly. Really. I was watching a commercial for Jersey Shore and thinking about how stupid and idiotic those people are, they I just felt like writing this...so yeah. Random...

Valentine

Hello Jasmine. I am new here.

The title of your poem caught my eye, for I yearn to see any true innocence in this world. My immediate thoughts when I read it was that this girl would be very easy to kill. But, as for the art of your writing, it leaves me with little thoughts. It seems that this poem merely states the obvious fact that all innocence is temporary. That is true. The poem itself paints a pretty picture in my mind. I would like to see something else from you Jasmine. This poem is very short, so maybe you could add something to it. A message of some sorts. What can somebody take away from this poem except that a girl out there can write decent poetry? Does this girl survive?

Do not get me wrong? I still think this girl would be very easy to kill. Maybe this did have an impact on me. It helped me understand that innocence in overrated.

Valentine

hey,

thanks for the review! I guess your right, this doesn't do much other than state the obvious but I guess that was my point. Thanks for reviewing!

Hi! This is a sweet poem. Well, until the last couple of stanzas,which make it end of a bit of a dark note! In fact, the last two stanzas kind of say the same thing, so I would think about getting rid of one of them. In fact, if it was my poem, I would prefer it to end on a higher note, acknowledging that her innocence will fade, but for now she is still a happy child. But that's just me. A couple of technical things - "smiles" should be "smile" because "lips" is a plural. Also, maybe it's just me, but I really dislike elipses in a poem. You're trying to imply something, but your writing should be implying that for you - you shouldn't need ... to do the job, because the writing speaks for itself. Pretty good apart from that though, like I said, cute.

The big brown eyes - 'the' should be 'her'.
they coo her naivety - 'coo'? I'm afraid I don't catch your gist.

The small red lips - 'the' should be 'her'; 'the' is a bit arid here.
smiles brightly at all strangers

She playfully dances around
unaware of the horrors around her - Sudden shift of mood/feel. Nice.

Playing princess, or fairy - This line is a bit cliche.
always in her childish mind

Sweet happy thoughts - Again, cliche.
doesn't understand Evil - The... thoughts... doesn't understand Evil? Lolwhut?

The shadows creep up
but her goodness repels them - For some reason, 'goodness' sounds off here...

Soon she will grow up
and her innocence will fade away - Mm. True.

Fade slowly but surely - This is off and very cliche; furthermore, it seems to be thrown in just for the sake of throwing something in. Edit/omit/replace this with something better.
her innocence will inevitably cease to be... - I think the ellipse is not needed. Without it, the ending will seem more powerful, and not fleeting like this. Just try it. It will be better, I hope.

Nitpicked what needs to be nitpicked in the above...


Hope that helped! Cute, eccentric piece by the way. Not too lovable, but likable nonetheless.

Ciao-ciao! PM me if you need anything else!


~Kate

Hello!

I really liked this, but first a few nit-picks,

they coo her naivety

I don't really think that 'coo' is the right word here. I associate 'coo' with people being really soppy over a little child "Ooh look how you've grown" kind of thing. Maybe you could change that to something like 'show' or something more original than show, perhaps.

Fade slowly but surely
her innocence will inevitably cease to be....

I don't think that these last two lines are nessesscary, either that or you need to change them a little, because at the moment they are just stating what you have already said. That her innocence will dissapear etc. You could use what Matt suggested and say that she still has her happy childhood ahead of her for now or something like that. I agree about ditching the elipsis, it just makes the poem feel a little un-finished

Thats all the nit-picks
I really liked it, the title caught my attention and so I clicked through. I am glad I did, because even though you were stating the obvious, sometimes we need reminding of the obvious you know. So I really liked it, it just needs a few tweaks.

Well Done,
Keep Writing
~Lydia

Alright Jasmine, you request, I fulfill.

Well it's pretty much been nitpicked thoroughly, so I'll just add my thoughts.

It's actually pretty good, for it being written randomly, and I like it.
Although this line kind of bugged me.

they coo her naivety

Coo? It doesn't really fit right, try a different word.

Also something I would suggest is punctuation. Since the way the site tends to clump together poems the way it does, add in commas and periods so we know when a line ends and such.

Overall I liked it, good job.