Never Free ( chap. 1, part 1)

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Mist swirled around Kenya’s head and she pulled her tattered gray cloak tighter around her skinny, half starved body. The night was cold and moonless as she crept along the deck of the pirate ship, The Black Mist. Stepping over the night guard’s slumped body, Kenya glanced down the unconscious man. He had been the only one ordered to watch her that night. All the rest of the crew, including her slave master, Captain Robert Gibs, had gone ashore to the local beer house. Thankfully the men had been so excited about going to shore after so many months at sea that they had only loosely tied Kenya’s hands. So it hadn’t been very hard to escape. The night guard was very angry when he learned that he had to watch Kenya while everyone else went to have fun. In his anger, he had broken into the captain’s liquor cabinet and was soon snoring. To ensure of her escape, Kenya had taken one of the guard’s empty beer bottles, snuck up behind him and … well lets just say he’ll have a sore head in the morning.
Making no noise, and being nearly invisible in the dark night, Kenya continued to make her way across the deck. She stopped as she came up to the railing of the ship. A chunk of her auburn colored hair fell across her brown eyes as they scanned the docks for danger. Seeing that all was clear, she ran down the gangplank and rushed into the nearest shadow. As she slipped between some nets that were hanging out for repair Kenya swayed unsteadily from lack of her land legs, the months at sea had taken them away. When she peered behind her, through the net’s holes, she could just make out the pirate ship through the fog. Its sails were tattered to rags, and its boards were beaten and bruised. Only this morning had the Black Mist landed after a long, four-month voyage at sea, but it had just barely made it. The journey had been rough, and had encountered many storms. It had sailed from the country of Arbido to the little, unknown island that they were on now.
Kenya, who had experienced the journey as a slave, had hated it. She had kept an eye out for any possible chance of freedom. But the ship was like prison to her, and voyage had made it worse. With miles and miles of ocean water on all sides, it had made an escape impossible. But now that the ship had landed Kenya’s chance had come. And she had sworn that she would escape. Or die trying.
Kenya glanced once more at the ship that she was leaving behind, and was surprised to see how much clearer the ship appeared. Which could mean only one thing: the fog was clearing! Kenya now noticed the wind that was tugging at the bottom of her cloak and realized that it was the same wind that was blowing the mist away. She needed to hurry; her coverage was leaving. Thankfully there were plenty of kegs, barrels, piles of ropes and other such items that littered the dock that made great hiding spots for Kenya as she crept through the night.
Slowly going from shadow to shadow, she made her way toward the edge of the dock. Drunken laughter to the right told Kenya that a tavern wasn’t far off. Probably the same tavern that my masters are at, she thought as she swerved to the left, if the pirates were there she wanted to stay out of their way.
The increasing absence of the fog, and the lights from near by houses made it harder for Kenya to stay hidden, especially as she neared the edge of the dock, where the houses were numerous. Quickly pausing to catch her breath, Kenya peered around the barrel that she was hiding behind and saw the end of the dock just ahead. She also noticed that beyond the dock the unknown lay before her. This was the weak spot in her plan. She had no idea were to go from here, the place beyond the docks was a complete mystery to her. Sinking down to her hands and knees, Kenya crawled behind a pile of rope and made a mental note of all the supplies that she would need later: food, shelter, and money. She looked down at her thin, torn clothes and reminded herself that fall was coming, and then after that winter. Sighing, Kenya added clothes to the list. Another thing, she didn’t know just how big the island was. If it was small enough Kenya knew that the captain would search it until she was found. She was a valuable slave, he had told her that many times himself. He had told her that she was strong, tough and had a quick wit. Kenya hoped that those things were true because she was going to need them if she was to survive her escape.
Kenya spotted a large stack of crates sticking out in the darkness and she crept into its shadow. A splash in the water made Kenya jump and she whipped her head around to see what it was, but saw nothing. She quickly slid around the corner of stack of crates, hoping that what ever it was hadn’t seen her. Peeking her head around the corner, she scanned the deck, but couldn’t make out anything. Then, with embarrassment, Kenya realized that the splash she had heard was probably just a frog that had jumped in the water, or a fish that had splashed its tail. Really Kenya, don’t be so jumpy, she told her self. She turned her gaze from the water, and realized with a start that the docks ended abruptly at her feet. She also noticed that there was a large stretch between her and the houses. A stretch that had nothing to hide behind, and no shadows to blend into. She looked nervously at the windows of the houses and wondered if anyone was looking out of them. They looked like hundreds of eyes that were looking for her. Kenya realized how ridiculous she was acting and told herself to snap out of it.
She studied the houses, trying to decide which shadow to run to and how to get there. Suddenly a door swung open from one of the nearby houses and an old man stepped out. Kenya prayed that the man would go back inside, but to her dismay he brought out a lantern and started to walk her way. She began to look for a better hiding spot and immediately spotted, to her left, a pile of sacks that would do. Kenya straightened and got ready to move, but then hesitated and looked at the man. He was facing her, and would surly see her movement if she went to the sacks. On the other hand, if she stayed where she was she would be safe in the shadows… for now, but Kenya worried about the man’s lantern.
He was coming closer, and Kenya knew that she had to make her decision, and soon, before it would be too late. She knew that movement is easier to spot, which meant there was more of a chance that he would see her if she went to the sacks. She also knew that her dark, gray cloak made her nearly invisible in the night. So that even with the lantern she would be hard to see… providing that she kept still. So Kenya pressed herself against the crates and decided to stay where she was, hoping that she had made the right choice.
The old man shuffled closer. Kenya knew that she could easily take the man down if she had to. There was not one of the pirates aboard The Black Mist who could stand up to her. She had even knocked out the captain once, but that was only once and Kenya had the scars to remind her not to do it again.
As she watched the man, Kenya reminded herself of the dagger that was in her pocket, but no, that was only for defense and hunting. Her gaze stayed on him as he came closer and she studied him, trying to figure out the best way to attack with out causing pain or death. But then she stopped herself; she didn’t want to hurt this innocent man, besides she didn’t want to start a commotion.
He was almost there, and Kenya’s brain was screaming at her to do something besides sit there and watch him come closer. But she stuck to her plan; and that was to stay where she was and hope that he would pass by. Kenya turned her head against his light and then closed her eyes so that they wouldn’t glare in his lantern. She heard his footsteps come closer and her body tensed. Suddenly he stepped right in front of her and Kenya was sure that he saw her. But he was there for only an instant before walking on, and his light disappeared around the next corner.
Kenya peeked open one eye and let out the breath that she had been holding in. whew, that was close. Way to close, she thought, I better get moving on before something else happens. But Kenya stayed where she was. Even though she wanted to get going she didn’t let her eagerness stop her from making smart decisions. She would wait until she was sure that the man was gone, but even after that there was still the chance that he would come back.
Straining her ears, Kenya could hear the sound of the man’s footprints getting farther away and then disappear, and she knew he was gone. It was time to go.
Turning back around, Kenya concentrated on crossing the area in front of her. She decided that her one, and only choice was to run as fast as she could and hope that no one was looking out their window. So taking a deep breath, Kenya tugged her hood down over her eyes and stepped forward. Her leg muscles tensed and she got ready to spring---when suddenly, from behind, someone grabbed her and pulled her back into the shadows.
Sharp, cold metal brushed against her neck.
“Don’t move, or I’ll slit your throat,” someone whispered in her ear.
Last edited by Dragonet on Fri Feb 05, 2010 6:36 pm, edited 4 times in total.
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I know this piece needs some help, so feel free to criticize.
Last edited by Dragonet on Wed Feb 03, 2010 1:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.
I'm a JESUS FREAK!!!

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You make it seem like it was horrible! This was really good! I noticed you changed the spelling of her name about 2/3 of the story from Kenya to Kenyah so just fix that up. There were a couple more mistakes like the first sentence of the second paragraph shouldn't have the and in it or shouldn't have the comma. I like where your going with this but descrbie your MC a bit more. Is she white, black, hispanic? I assume it's a girl but explain further. PM me with the next part. I really like this! :)


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First of all, I love me a hearty 'ol pirate yarn, and this certainly fits the bill. I deeply enjoy your writing style: clean, descriptive, and effective. I especially like your explanation of how Kenyah (or is it Kenya?) escaped her captors; realistic. You handle suspense and pacing well, and if you'd PM me your next installment, I'd be most pleased.

On to problems. This is small, but halfway through your piece you changed the spelling of your MC's name. Kenya or Kenyah? The bit with the frog or fish and such was a little too cliche for my tastes. Who didn't expect her to hear something and then turn around and GASP! there's nothing.

At one point, Kenya thinks "Whew, that was close." Again, cliche, and a bit too modern a phrase. And the very last sentence, the knife brushing against the throat business. Perhaps find a more sinister verb than "brushing." A little too...kind, wouldn't you say?

One last nit-pick before I give this a rest. I'm sure it'll come into play later on in your adventure, but "The Wars" is kind of a generic, weak title. Methinks you should consider a more piratey title.

I'm sure I've reduced you to a quivering heap of self-loathing by now, so I'll quit it. But don't misunderstand me, I am dearly enjoying your story. PM, and all that.

Keep up the writing and such.

Good day,
Wang Chung




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Hi, PenNPaper here to review!
Kenya

Kenyah

Kenyah

Throughout the first part of the story, her name was Kenya, then it changed to Kenyah, I thought it was just a typo error but now it seems to have been repeated more than two times. So I'm wondering, which is her real name?

You have a great story going on here, but I don't really know much about her personality. All she seems to be is scared. Was there a feeling of nervousness too? You mentioned she was half-starved, I don't think a half starved person would have the energy to cover such a big distance, let alone trying to run. Also, thoughts should be in italics it helps to differentiate.

Good luck and keep writing! :D
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First of all, sorry about the name, I decided to change the spelling of the name from Kenyah to Kenya, but as you may have guessed I forgot to change all of them. So her real name is Kenya.
Second, the title is a work in progress I could not think of anything and I was in a hurry so I just quickly typed in "The Wars"
Third, about Kenya being half starved yet so strong, well maybe I need to explain this more, but Kenya is a really strong, tough, survival type of girl. She has a lot of determination (and no, I'm not telling you where all this determination comes from. you'll have to find out in the 2nd chapter)
PS. thanx to every one for commenting on my story, I'll think about what you all said and fix it up.
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I fixed the name problem.
I'm a JESUS FREAK!!!

Do you have any idea why a raven is like a writing desk?



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