Unholy Masquerade

Hey guys! I have another one I'd like you to eat alive. I'm not so sure about the punctuation on this one, so any help would be welcome. I hope you like it!

***

The dance has begun,
this Unholy Masquerade
A melody so haunting
A rhythm so sweet.

This dark waltz is flawless
its steps quick and subtle;
They move in a silence
Evil and knowing.

The ballroom is marble,
pure white as heaven
A battlefield at odds
with souls draped in shadow.

These dancers are angels
Sculpted so perfectly
To fit a mold
They think cast in stone.

Though the truth is plain
to see on their faces,
they hide behind ivory masks
so the mirror tells otherwise.

Thus our dance was tainted,
its vision corrupted
by hearts far too frightened,
too cowardly to fall.

Hey Mr. Knightley! not sure how much help I can be where punctuation is concerned - it's always tricky in poetry. People have their own styles, some people think it should be punctuated like regular sentences, some people think that would be too much punctuation, some people think there should be a comma at the end of every line. I would say just stick with what you think looks best and what helps the reader to read it more easily - where they should pause, what they should read more quickly, etc. As for the rest, I think it flows really nicely, you use good imagery and I really like the ending. Good job.

If only it was as simple as getting the punctuation right.

Spoiler

Mr.Knightley wrote:The dance has begun,
this Unholy Masquerade
A melody so haunting
A rhythm so sweet.

So much for a hook. The reader is not obliged to read your work, and after this first stanza, why should they? You've done nothing here to grab my interest. The first line is pedestrian and anti-climactic. The third and fourth line are clichés. I read the first stanza, and bet myself that this unholy masquerade wasn't going to be anything special. I was right.

With your first stanza, you need to throw the reader a bone. Give us some real action. This poem is all description, and without a plot or context, it's just not interesting.

This dark waltz is flawless
its steps quick and subtle;
They move in a silence
Evil and knowing.

And here's where that comes back to bite you. Because I really don't know what's going on- I mean yeah alright, there's dancing, so what?- and I just really can't be bothered to wonder why. It's like you're holding a party, but you don't send any invitations, and then when we show up on your doorstep, you don't open the door.

Also, nothing is flawless, and perfection is boring.

The ballroom is marble,
pure white as heaven
A battlefield at odds
with souls draped in shadow.

So now we've got this dichotomy between the "dark" waltz and the "white as heaven" ballroom. Whatever.

What do the last two lines even mean?

These dancers are angels
Sculpted so perfectly
To fit a mold
They think cast in stone.

Perfection is boring, especially in this case, because it wasn't even earned. It just existed, because you said it did. But perfection is a minefield. It's a cop-out for actual description. What is perfection? Because if you describe it right, we'll know, and if you describe it wrong, then it's not perfect.

But that's so much more interesting then this stuff.

Though the truth is plain
to see on their faces,
they hide behind ivory masks
so the mirror tells otherwise.

To paraphrase: "Truth is obvious, but it's not."

This stanza was totally mystifying.

Thus our dance was tainted,
its vision corrupted
by hearts far too frightened,
too cowardly to fall.

Look.

I feel as though this poem took ten minutes to write. Whether or not that's true, it doesn't change the fact that there's really nothing here. There's nothing deeper, there's nothing going forward or backward. There's description, but no emotion. There's exposition, but no action. There's cliché but nothing to blow it up. I mean, I'd hate to abandon an idea, but when I can't even find an idea worth pursuing, I'd recommend a fresh start.

Good luck.

I disagree EXTREMELY with this last post. You know, lots of poems DO take 10 minutes to write, I'm not saying all, but most do. So, the one part I agree with is zgood Luck! ~*Cheez_Burger*~

I don't care if you and everyone else in the world hates this, I love it. (just saying.)
And I don't say that a bunch with YWS poetry, so bravo.

Evil and knowing.

Okay, for one this line doesn't make much sense to me. Sorry if I am not getting it, but U really don't know how a dance can be evil. Knowing, yes. But evil? The evil seems to come more from the dancers themselves, doesn't it?

pure white as heaven

I think it should be 'pure and white as heaven'.

They think cast in stone.

Again, not very sure about this. I mean, you already say they are cast from a mold, so what does this mean?

they hide behind ivory masks

This line is just beautiful, I had to tell you.

Thus our dance was tainted,
its vision corrupted
by hearts far too frightened,
too cowardly to fall.

And of course the last stanza is amazing. It sums up your poem I love it.

What I really like about this is that you make time to describe everything: The scenery, the people, the mood, the sounds. You have everything in here, you would think is was a short story. I really like this, it tells me a lot. Well done.

Classy