Random Dialogue

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Abba questioned, brown eyes searching, ”If you knew something was wrong, Alexandra, would you, to the best of your capabilities, oppose and try to right it?”

Surprised, Alexandra glanced up at Abba and countered, “Why, I suppose I would, Abba, but would I succeed is the question.”

Satisfied, the old professor smiled, “That is all I could ever demand of you, child.”

“Will and could, Abba,” Alexandra said, her manner intrigued, “Are entirely different, for will denotes that something is definitely going to happen. But on the other hand, could, in this context, is interpreted that you would be able to, only if compelled.”

Tweaking her nose affectionately, Samuel responded, brown eyes glinting with delight, “Such a clever child; how I wish that I could claim to have sired you, dear one.”

Crossing her arms in mock displeasure, head tilted to one side, Alexandra said, “You still did not acknowledge my original statement, Abba.”

Winking mischievously, Abba replied, “And I have no intention of so doing, Alexandra.”



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This is a snippet of a chapter for my novel that I am working on, that I have posted because I think it might be too complicated/long/tedious/pedantic. :D

Also, Samuel Wolf (Abba), is a Jewish Holocaust survivor, and Alexandra is his adopted daughter. You may be wondering why I posted this in the fantasy fiction section, and the reason why, is because S.W. is a trainer from a parallel universe, sent to prepare Alexandra for the coming "crisis."

P.S. Feel free to criticize about anything, because I really need help on this part.

Thank you!

P.P.S. The professor is a genius and Alexandra (she is thirteen) is extremely intelligent, bordering on genius, so that might explain the manner in which they are talking. :D
Last edited by TeddytheBear on Mon Feb 01, 2010 8:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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Hey there! First of all, welcome to the forum! :D I've been told I'm rather a harsh critiquer, so bear that in mind. ;)

Okay, so you should definitely post the entire chapter here. I don't know whether this is the opening dialogue, or whether it comes closer to the middle or the end of the chapter. You can break the chapter up into smaller sections, because I agree with the fact that too long of a post is overwhelming, and will generally put me off of reading it. Also, if you're fearful that it may be too complicated, that may indicate to you that you need to change some wording or descriptions or something. After all, especially for a first chapter, you want to capture the reader's attention and keep it, not put them off of reading your novel.

Also, all of the background that you're explaining about the professor and Alexandra need to be integrated into the storyline. Again, by posting the entire chapter, we could be able to discover for ourselves just how Alexandra's personality is.

That being said, I really couldn't find anything grammatically that needed any work, nor anything in the dialogue that sounded wrong. Your writing is very good. :D
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
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Hi there!

Welcome to YWS!

So. You've got a nice bit of dialogue here; I like how you integrate speech with actions. No "she said this, she said that." That's very good.

There are some parts where you could have a bit better punctuation--like here:
"Tweaking her nose affectionately, Samuel responded, brown eyes glinting with delight, “Such a clever child, how I wish that I could claim to have sired you, dear one.”"
This is an awfully long run-on. You may want to put a period after "delight," and a semicolon after "child." There are a few places in here like this; just look them over and edit. None of them are really that bad, though.

And right now, your characters seem a tad flat. I understand that it's not really a chapter, but you put this note at the end explaining about your work. I think that you shouldn't really have to put a note. All this should be incorporated into your story.

Other than that, though, it's a good, solid start. I'd like to see this made into something more.

Take care and keep up the good work!
~Freyja
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Hi!

Welcome to YWS!
I think your dialog was meh. Way too many run-ons. Almost sounded like William Shatner.
Do you have the entire chapter? I think this part would make more sense if maybe you did. I think it has some solid writing and good display of writing skills i just would like to read the chapter to understand the plot more.
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Ranger Hawk: Thank you for the warm greeting and I will definitely post the chapter when I have edited it.
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Vanadis: Once again, thank you for welcoming me, and I will fix my grammar errors (hopefully not adding new ones in the process :))

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giantslenate09: As mentioned previously, I will post the entire chapter soon, and I am going to correct my run-ons. Thank you!



There is no quiet. There is only Doc McStuffins.
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