Shifters: Prologue (fixed)

Okay, so people had told me that my prologue was too short and was missing a bit of information, so I changed it a little and added some stuff to it, without giving too much away...

Hope it's better




Prologue

A new age dawns upon me. It'll be scary and dangerous. People will get hurt, many will die. Maybe even me.

It'll be the thrill of a lifetime.

But I haven't always been this sadistic. I used to despise violence, not even able to harm a spider. A sensitive person... Well, okay, maybe pushing Kenna Rogers off the slide in sixth grade wasn't very nice. But I'd had a justifiable reason!

She'd cut in line.

Nevertheless, I'd had a carefree life, before all this. I'd been your average seventeen year old. Went to a drearisome school, hung out with a small group of friends, argued with my parents over anything and everything and spent hours listening to music. My biggest problems in life were getting guys to notice me and not doing anything bizarre, so I wouldn’t be considered a weirdo. Ah, the good life.

But then, in the blink of an eye, my life - my world - had turned inside out. I was pulled into a supernatural world, although very similar to the one I’d already been in. Too similar.

My one lucky break and been the people that had helped me. I’d decided to join them in their cause to save humanity. So they’d taught me how to live, to fight, to survive. I’d learned to adapt, with time, to a life overflowing with death, cruelty and hatred. Hope had lost its way a long time ago. The pleasant little girl in me as well.

Now I just wish I could go back. Back when my nightmares were just a mix of horror movies I’d viewed. When locking my door kept all the bad guys away. When sweet nonsense filled my thoughts and dreams, rather than the creatures that now await me.

I still remember everything like it was yesterday...

Hello Fire, I'm glad you fixed your prologue. There were a couple things that stood out to me.

I used to despise violence, not even able to harm a spider.

I get where you're going with this, but I don't really understand the sentence. To me, it seems like you're combining two sentences in a different way. Try rephrasing it like this.
"I used to despise violence, not even harming a spider." Or, "I despised violence so much, I wouldn't even harm a spider."

My one lucky break and been the people that had helped me.

I'm not sure if this was a typo or not. Do you mean had?

Well, that's about it. You did a good job with this writing. A thumbs up for you! All of my comments are opinions, so do what you wish with them. Great Job!

Lucy Pennykettle

Heya, WritingSpitfire!

You're probably gonna find this particular piece of advice somewhat frustrating, but it is what I think, and I do honestly believe it'll make your novel better. This particular piece of advice is:

Cut the Prologue.

Yup, all of it. I don't think you're really achieving anything here, to be honest.

You're introducing us to the character, but you should be doing that with the first chapter anyway, and you're telling us what the book will be about, but (assuming you're hoping to get this published one day) the back of the cover will tell us this anyway. This opening even makes for a weaker hook than the opening of your first chapter, which I just quickly scoped out.

Basically, everything you're doing here is already being down elsewhere in the book, and better. The entire Prologue just feels superfluous.

So, yeah, cut the Prologue, and I think your novel will be all the stronger for it. =)

Hey Suz,

Even though I did warn you that people had a love/hate thing going on, I think it's really good and I really enjoyed the fixing of it.

Love you xx

I enjoyed this reading.
My favorite line was this:
Well, okay, maybe pushing Kenna Rogers off the slide in sixth grade wasn't very nice. But I'd had a justifiable reason!

But I haven't always been this sadistic. I used to despise violence, not even able to harm a spider.
I used to despise violence, not even having the capability to harm a spider.
I don't know i think it flows better, maybe?
My one lucky break and been the people that had helped me.
I think there was a typo somewhere.