Angel to be,still thinking of a better name!

Many wonder what happens after you die?,but I am one of the few who do know .....what do i mean? Let me explain but let me warn you its a long story................







My name was Leila Davis,i was sixteen when i died in a horrible fire;
my parents survived,at the time i thought i was unlucky later i learned that wasn't the case..
Now this is the part of the story that is not quite as easy to explain,after my death something strange-
happened,for a few seconds it was very dark..then it was as if i had entered a long florescent hall,compared to
the darkness i had experienced just a few moments before this kind of light was blinding in its brilliance.
In that instant my mind did not know what to do but my body did-
i sauntered forward my brain kept waiting for something to happen,to change,but nothing changed
i just kept walking unsure of were i was going i kept moving forward
thought the hall just got longer and longer. And then i walked into a big room ,i cant explain the beauty...
the wonder,it was like nothing i had ever laid my unworthy eyes on ,at first all i saw was a white room
shaped like an octagon as white and brilliant as the hall .Then i looked up and ogled in amazement-
the ceiling was made of glass and threw it was ,on the west side ,what appeared to be the moon rimmed by
dozens of shimmering stars stunning me into silence i turned my head to the east and the brilliant sun
surrounded by a bright quilt of blue ,and in the center it was blurry as if these incredible sights were
jumping in and out of exsstance. Had i ever seen anything this gorgeous? no not even close.
I will probably see anything this beautiful again? at that time i doubted it but little did i know ...
Then a voice called from the sight i couldn't seem to take my eyes off of "Leila"
the voice that called was that of a man whose wisdom and experience rang in every
word that his soothing voice as he spoke "Leila" he repeated ,i scrambled for something to say
"Yes" i answered nervously and with reason ,i had a hunch of who i was answering to. And
i was always tough to be religious, and i always believed there was a god and followed his word, "come threw these doors"
what doors i thought to my self while i swung my head around to find the doors he spoke of ,and then i hear something open
but not in front of me but over my head,i looked up to the center of the overlapping cycles of time,they
seemed to split in half and as they opened a new light much brighter than the hall
had been,and before i knew it before i could make since of the situation i was floating,up of the floor to the whole in the ceiling
and for a few precious moments the light shined brighter and more beautiful by the second .and then i was
in a place so marvelous,in its glory ,my suddenly bare feet were standing on clouds and i was wearing
a silk floor length dress and my light brown hair styled in flawless curls with white flowers intertwined in the ringlets
and i felt BEAUTIFUL for just a moment,before i looked up and walked forward thru the golden gate
and into my new life........



But after many many years i was told i was needed for something very important....
i was needed on earth,it seems a fifteen year old girl was going to die very soon but before that happened ....

Hiya!

Well, when people say some peoples stories don't f-l-o-w, yours definitely did! You need to think about breaking up some of your sentences. Heres an example, and how you could fix it.

Now this is the part of the story that is not quite as easy to explain,after my death something strange-happened,for a few seconds it was very dark..then it was as if i had entered a long florescent hall,compared to the darkness i had experienced just a few moments before this kind of light was blinding in its brilliance.

Now this is the part of the story that isn't as easy to explain. After my death, something strange happened. For a few seconds it was very dark....then it was as if I had entered a long florescent hall. Compared to the darkness I had experienced just a few moments before, this kinda of light was blinding in brilliance.

Reading your story out loud can help you identify sentences that might be a bit too long. These types of sentences can confuse or even discourage the reader.

Need any help? Pop me a message

Forgotten x

Hi Izadazzled
I liked it but I didn't see any capital I's or apostrophes but other than that it was good.

Hi Dazzle!
I'll review your story today.

Well, first of all I have to say that it was an interesting piece, It's a very nice start for the story. IN this piece I felt as if you were setting things up, you could use this as an introduction.

But what I felt was a real problem in your writing, is your grammar. Your story became confusing, because there were a lot, but a real lot of grammar problems in the piece. The first thing I noticed was your use of I's. You have to remember that I is always capitalized.

Another thing I think you have to work on is your formatting, reading this piece like this is very confusing because your words are separated and there are a lot of things that should be together.

My name was Leila Davis,I was sixteen when i died in a horrible fire;
my parents survived(.)at the time I thought i was unlucky(;) later i learned that wasn't the case..
Now this is the part of the story that is not quite as easy to explain(.)after my death something strange-
happened(.)for a few seconds it was very dark..then it was as if i had entered a long florescent hall9(;)compared to (if you wanted to make a smaller pause here you should have a added a semicolon but not a comma)
the darkness i had experienced just a few moments before, this kind of light was blinding in its brilliance.
In that instant (,) my mind did not know what to do but my body did-
i sauntered forward my brain kept waiting for something to happen,to change,but nothing changed. This part is a little confusing I think you should rephrase it because it makes no sense with the part that comes before.
i just kept walking(,) unsure of were i was going (.) i kept moving forward (,)
thought (though) the hall just got longer and longer. And then i walked into a big room ,i cant explain the beauty...
the wonder,it was like nothing i had ever laid my unworthy eyes on (.)at first all(,) i saw was a white room
shaped like an octagon as white and brilliant as the hall .Then i looked up and ogled in amazement-
the ceiling was made of glass and threw (through) it was ,on the west side ,what appeared to be the moon rimmed by ( you should rephrase this too because the order in which is in, is really confusing and sounds quite awkward)
dozens of shimmering stars stunning me into silence (.) i turned my head to the east and the brilliant sun
surrounded by a bright quilt of blue ,and in the center it was blurry as if these incredible sights were
jumping in and out of exsistance. Had i ever seen anything this gorgeous? no not even close.
I will probably see anything this beautiful again? at that time(,) i doubted it but little did i know ...
Then a voice called from the sight(,) i couldn't seem to take my eyes off of "Leila"
the voice that called was that of a man whose wisdom and experience rang in every
word that his soothing voice as he spoke (you should write "he said" instead as he spoke) "Leila" he repeated ,i scrambled for something to say
"Yes" i answered nervously and with reason ,i had a hunch of who i was answering to. And
i was always tough to be religious, and i always believed there was a god and followed his word, "come threw (through) these doors"
what doors (?)( you should italicize this because this are her thoughts) i thought to my self while i swung my head around to find the doors he spoke of ,and then i hear something open
but not in front of me but over my head (.)i looked up to the center of the overlapping cycles of time,they
seemed to split in half and as they opened a new light much brighter than the hall
had been ( this sentences seems unfinished, you should rewrite it and think of a way to en the sentence with a correct sense)(.)and before i knew it (,)before i could make since (sense) of the situation (,) i was floating,up of the floor to the whole in the ceiling
and for a few precious moments the light shined brighter and more beautiful by the second .and then i was
in a place so marvelous,in its glory ,my suddenly bare feet were standing on clouds and i was wearing
a silk floor length dress and my light brown hair styled in flawless curls with white flowers intertwined in the ringlets(.)
and i felt BEAUTIFUL for just a moment,before i looked up and walked forward thru (through) the golden gate
and into my new life........



But after many many years i was told i was needed for something very important....
i was needed on earth,it seems a fifteen year old girl was going to die very soon but before that happened ....

So overall, I have to say that you really need to watch over your grammar because it was a problem throughout the story and I would recommend you to proofread before you post and also watch for you sentence structure. Many of your sentences started with and, and that doesn't sound good while reading.

So hope I helped.