perfection

I traced
my
fingers around your
body

but you never wanted to be called a masterpiece,

You don't mean to be rude
but the knife in my hand is cutting you a
-part,

don't you want to taste the air (one more time)
before you drown?

don't panic -
prince charming will make you gasp
all the way to neverneverland.

Jack,

I liked this. A few nit-picks:

I traced
my
fingers around your
body

Should this be "I traced / your body / with / my fingers"?

And:

You don't mean to be rude
but the knife in my hand is cutting you a
-part,

Seemed out of place. It "made sense," yes, in the sense that I knew what you meant, but it and the next stanza didn't seem to flow into the piece: they jived around it and had weird insertion points. Then again, it could be me. Otherwise, you've got a nice piece on your paws.

Thanks for the read,
Brad

A bit grotesque, not that that is bad. Chilling... reminded me of a book I read recently. I must say it... I really liked it, especially the third and fourth stanzas.

I really liked this...

I liked the way you wrote it because it would set more images to mind.
Such as:

I traced my fingers around your body

rather than:

I traced your body with my fingers

I did get a bit confused when you wrote:

"You don't mean to be rude
but the knife in my hand is cutting you a
-part"

Shouldn't the YOU be an I?
I don't really understand this stanza, because it did seem a bit out of place, like Brad said.

But the overall effect was that I liked it. So yeah, nice job.

i liked this really quite absolutely a lot. i get the feeling "but you never wanted to be called a masterpiece" will be rolling around my mind for quite sometime.

I liked this! Then again, it is rather simplistic, and I do love simplistic things so...

Yeah. I, like Incan, knew what you meant when you split apart "apart" but it sounded much too awkward.

Dangit. Once again I'm late and I have to be redundant... *sigh* Such is life.

I liked the simplicity of it, and I agree about the "a-part" thing. It gave me shivers... vivid images, my friend, very vivid.

"I traced
my
fingers around your
body"

*Shudders* I thought this was cliche and kind of boring for the beginning of the poem...

As for the rest of it, I really felt like someone was speaking to me. Perhaps it may not be something that I have experienced, but unlike most poems that have anything to do with love, I felt like I was able to connect so even though it was short and a little abrupt, I still liked it.

hmm...

I liked this, I am not about to shout at the top of my lungs off the top of the Golden Gate Bridge that it was amazing, but I did like it.

however...

but you never wanted to be called a masterpiece, - this seemed a bit cliché

however...

this -
don't you want to taste the air (one more time)
before you drown?

don't panic -
prince charming will make you gasp
all the way to neverneverland.

was quite good. I especially like the allusions and the imagery I got from reading it.

so to recap, I don't really have any ideas on how it could improve but I like it just the same.

ºMaatº

well and what everyone else said too...