Dear Reader,
Today I choose to confide in you one of my greatest sorrows and regrets. I have no one else to turn to, so the only person I can turn to now is a complete stranger. I’ve held back a flood of emotion for several years and its all I can do to wake up each morning and keep it all held back like a dam about to break each morning. You have to understand that what I'm about to tell you might not be pretty but has to be told. For far too many years I’ve been silent. It's time for me to just let up and scream.
Several years ago I worked up north at a local bar busing tables. It was the only work I could find. To clarify my point, I am mute. I’ve been mute all my life and I have always had a hard time dealing with it. Being mute takes a lot of possibilities out of the pool when it comes to finding jobs. Busing tables worked for me though. I didn't have to talk, and I could keep to myself most of the time. Things worked out.
All my problems began when the bar hired a old friend of mine from high school. Jess was a girl in my class that I had fallen in love with back in my school days. I remember the first day that I saw her walk into class. She had this long flowing silver hair that caught my heart and never let go. Getting to know her over all those years didn't help either. What started out as just a crush turned into so much more over the years. This love I experienced wasn't healthy. It was as if every time I looked into Jess' eyes I was handing her bullets. Every day that she walked into class she would pull out that revolver that was her heart and shoot me in the face with all of those bullets I had given her. All of the love that I fed into that relationship just came back and hurt me.
The worst part is that I never told her how I felt. I was never brave enough to tell her how beautiful her gray hair was or how every time she sang in the halls it shoot an arrow right down through my heart. Being mute wasn't a legitimate excuse. There were a million other ways to say those feelings. I don't know how I was able to survive not saying anything during those years, but I didn't. Walking away with a million bullets lodged into me, I continued on with my life.
Now, years after separation, she has come back into my life. She hasn't changed that much. The only major change is her hair. The only way to describe her hair is to call it a rainbow, but at the same time it is not a rainbow. I just call it a rainbow because every time you look at her hair it is a different color. It never repeats colors. You'll glance at it for a second while its brown, then turn back to find yourself staring at light pink hair. The colors stretched all across the range, and I looked at her so many times that it seemed to me that new colors were being created on a daily basis. This magical transformation of her hair in a way seduced me back into loving her all over again. All those nights of passion I had felt towards her were rekindled and I fell into the deep dark hole that was her love.
One night following Jess's return I had by far the strangest dream of my entire life. I dreamt that I was somewhere deep underground in some type of cave. Looking around, all I could see were barren cave walls dimly lit by flamed torches and a opening in the walls that led out to a large pit that I couldn't see the bottom of. Wanting to explore the area, I tried to move forward, only to be stopped by a chain attached to my leg. The chain ran from my leg to this large rock in the center of this underground chamber. Walking up to the rock I found a envelope, pen, and a gun lying on the rock side by side. While I was trying to figure out why on earth I was where I was, a bright light started to glow from the large pit. This figure started rising out of the pit almost as if it were flying. It landed in front of me and started to walk towards me. The figure was a woman, shining and dawned in golden robes, reminding me of lady liberty. Over the woman's eyes was this massive white bandage with bloodstains on the edges. It was all truly a remarkable sight.
The woman in gold came over to me from the pit and reached out towards me and stroke me. She stroked me then grasped me by the shoulders and pulled me down beside her, so that we were both sitting up against the rock I was chained to. Leaning against me, she whispered into my ear. "So, would it be ok if I had your heart?" Not able to reply, the golden woman just pressed onward. She started to kiss my neck and wrap herself around me. Her lean became a push and knocked me onto the floor. Fully laying on top of me, she clamped around my head as she tried to find a better way to hold on to me. My body trembled, not sure of what to make of the situation. I tried to push her off of me. I didn't want her, I wanted Jess. I wanted to make love to the love of my life before this strange woman. Retaliating to the push, the golden woman raised herself up off of my chest and pulled out a long dagger. She waved it in my face and said. "Well, if I can't have your heart, nobody will". Striking down into my chest, she started to carve out my heart. Not able to resist, I just watched her start carving out my heart. It didn't hurt for some reason. There was just a lot of blood and force coming from this golden woman. Now drenched with blood after several minutes of carving, The golden woman took my heart and showed it to me. My heart seemed to stare at me as she held it before me in her hands. It was still beating and ebbing out blood as she handed it to me. "There you are, your heart that you will never truly be able to control" she said.
Realizing that she wasn't going to get what she wanted, the golden woman stood up and motioned toward another chain that I hadn't noticed before that was also attached to the rock I was tied to. The chain ran from the rock to the deep pit's edge then vanished from my view as it dove deep downwards into the darkness. "The thing you desire lies with this chain" the woman said to me. Standing up, I walked over and grabbed hold of this chain and started to pull on it. There was something heavy on the other end of it. Somehow I found the strength even after my heart was cut out to start pulling whatever it was on the chain up and out of the pit. For several hours I was in that cave, pulling with all my might on that old rusty chain. Finally, I saw what was tied to the end: a coffin. The coffin came over the cusp of the edge and slid toward me as I pulled the last of the line in. I immediately grabbed firm hold of the coffin before me and started to pry it open. The wooden seals of the coffin came off easily and as I threw the top cover off I found myself starring into Jess' eyes. She was lying dead in the coffin, with that gray hair I had known and loved. It had been ages since I had seen that hair.
I didn't know what to think. Part of me wanted to rush towards the golden woman and try to strike her down, even though that wouldn't solve anything. The other side of me just wanted to stare into Jess' eyes forever here in this dark cave. Impartial, my body grew frustrated. I darted my eyes back to the golden woman and looked at her eyes, covered by the bloody bandage. That's when I had an enormous epiphany. I wheeled back to Jess and looked at her. Was I blinded, just like the golden woman? Did I, just like her, have a patch over my eyes that blinded me from what I really should be seeing? A fit of rage in me boiled against Jess. So much hate bubbled in my chest, my mind angry that I have spent so much of my life anguishing over whether or not this woman loved me or not. She had meant so much to me, and I was a total fool to not be able to just leave it where it went and move with my life. I just couldn't understand why I couldn't forget her. The love that I have had all those years for her was really just a chain on me that needed to be broken.
So I decided to take all those bullets she had lodged into me over those years and throw them back at her. I took the pen that was lying on the rock and started to cut into my skin, finding those bullets she had left inside of me. I plugged them into the gun I had found on the rock and unloaded all my love right into her face. Take that bitch, I thought to myself as I looked into her shoot up face. That’s all That I can remember about the dream.
It didn't stop though. Almost every night after the first night I had the dream the dream reoccurred. I found myself every night fighting off the golden woman and pulling Jess' coffin out of the pit. It was crazy, I couldn't figure out how to stop having the dream.
So how does a crazy man cure himself of all these emotions? He writes to a complete stranger. That's why im writing to you Jess. You are a complete stranger to me, and as I write this letter tonight it has finally dawned on my how much of a stranger you are to me. I might have known you a little, but that clearly wasn't enough to build anything off of. All my love for you back then and now was just blind. I was just like the golden lady back in that cave, and now that I look back on it I should have made love to her on the spot. Dwelling on you for all these years has husked me out and left me dry. Thankfully now I can start over anew, for tonight when I go to bed, I know I won't be dreaming of you. Tonight I might still have the dream with the cave and the golden woman. It will be a different story if it happens again though. When she grabs hold of me tonight I will choose to bring her closer and kiss her all over. I'll accept all of that golden woman's love and embrace and think to myself as I stare into her face "my love for you is blind, my lady, but you must understand something: all love is that way".
A lost lover
-- so that's it. I did a quick proofread on it, but if there are a few typos in it I am sorry. It's three in the morning and I need some sleep. Thanks for reading! -Hayes
The part with all that inadequacy crap is the heart of the story. You nailed the idea I was trying to get across right on the head! Thank you. 