I Need You To Write. - 9.

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So I have been given advice to focus a little more on Amelia. So I have. C: She's in for a bit of "a nasty surprise".
To those who reviewed my last chapter and encouraged me to continue, thank you so much! You are stars.
If anyone could drop just a quick hello, that would be amazing as I'd like to know who's still reading this..
Many thanks!
~Emma


9. A Nasty Surprise

A sharp bleeping sound yanked me from my dreams, a sound which took me a moment or two to recognise as my alarm clock. It wasn’t a noise I was used to; normally Dylan screamed himself hoarse for me to get my ‘lazy butt out of bed’. That was the usual routine of the morning, and I found myself thinking, in a moment of disorientation, that maybe it was still the weekend and I had forgotten to turn my alarm off.
I slammed a hand down on the silver, plastic box, hoping I’d gotten the snooze button, and also hoping I had just killed it. Unfortunately, this caused it to clatter to the floor, fully waking me up. With a few unpleasant words, I pulled the lovely, warm bedcovers off me and leaned over, scrabbling for the damn thing. My fingers found nothing but carpet, then…
Aha! Got it!
I picked it up and gazed at the digital, flashing time with sleepy eyes. What I saw caused me to leap out of bed and spring into action, grabbing cloths, books, anything handy.
I had less than ten minutes to catch the bus.
Damn, it was impossible. It took me nearly as long just to eat my breakfast. Hey, what can I say? I was a slow eater, especially in the mornings when I was half-dead. Why hadn’t I set my alarm for an earlier time? And why hadn’t Dylan woken me up? He would’ve got over yesterday’s argument by now, right? We always lock horns. I never thought much of it, it was just the usual brother and sister squabbles that surely every family must have. Except yesterday I had crossed the line. So Dylan was still angry with me and had probably left for work early, not too keen on seeing me. Not too keen on waking me up like he always did to ensure that I didn’t miss the bus. Which I probably would do now.
With my day off to such a rousing start, I dreaded what the rest of it would bring.
Oh, if only I’d known.
٭ ٭ ٭
Amazingly, I didn’t miss the bus. I had got to the bus stop just as it turned up, which was pretty good luck. In fact, the rest of the day went by quite smoothly, without a single hiccup.
Until I turned up for the English lesson.
“Did you hear?” said Maya in that hushed, excited way gossips speak in. We had just arrived at our seats and gratefully dropped our heavy books and folders down on the desks. I glanced up at Maya, curious about what she had to say. Her eyes were wide and bright, happy to have something to pass on to others. Happy to hold our attention with juicy rumours.
I sat down, knowing if this news had got Maya this excited then she would be talking about it for a while. It was better if you got comfy before you invited Maya to spill the beans.
“What is it?” asked Jamie, sitting down on my other side.
Maya beamed and swept her hair from her eyes as she looked around to make sure no one was listening. She sat down on the table and leaned close to us.
“Mrs. Guilder has gone to Spain. Her daughter called her and said she was getting married, so Mrs. Guilder went to Spain to go to the wedding. She won’t be here for maybe a month.”
No one knew where Maya got her information from. She was like a reporter, happy to give away information on the latest scandal. But I didn’t know why Maya would be so interested in this news. So what if our English teacher was in Spain? ‘Lucky her’ was all I had to say on the subject.
Jamie was also wondering what had gotten Maya so excited. “And?”
“Well…” Maya leaned closer still, and from the look in her eyes I saw she was just getting started. “If our English teacher’s in Spain, who’s gonna teach us?”
Comprehension dawned.
“Ah,” I said. “So it’s the supply teacher you’re interested in.”
She favoured me with another smile. One that said: exactly.
“What’s so interesting about a supply teacher?” Jamie grumbled, not getting it. “They’re always old, wrinkly men. Always too damn strict.”
“Not this one,” grinned Maya. “I’ve seen him.” She sighed. “He is so lush.”
Her dreamy expression made me giggle. Poor Drake, he had competition.
My laugh stopped abruptly when the English room door opened and a man strode into the classroom. His height and dark suit immediately grabbed everyone’s attention. Wavy, blonde hair softened his military aura as it dangled languorously to his large, rugby-player shoulders. He vigorously wiped down the blackboard with his back facing the class, blocking my view of his face.
“Settle down, class, settle down,” he commanded in a deep voice. Beside me, Maya sighed longingly, but I wasn’t concentrating on her. Instead I was frowning at this new teacher, certain his voice was familiar.
He wrote something on the board, stabbing at the black surface with the white stick of chalk, but he was in the way and I couldn’t see what it was. My feeling of unease kept growing. Where had I seen him before?
Then he turned and I gasped, my hand flew to my mouth to stifle the sob which surely would have followed. The room swayed as though we were on a boat in the middle of a storm. It certainly felt I was in a storm, with all the dark emotions that thundered through my mind. Dear God, what was he doing here?
His face filled my vision. Undoubtedly handsome, but to me it was the face of my nightmares. Green eyes framed by extraordinarily long eyelashes, with his eyebrows arching over them. His jaw was strong and square. His skin was creamy and smooth, marred only by two scars which stretched across his left cheek like cat whiskers.
I knew how he got those scars.
Instantly I was on my feet. My chair scraped noisily against the floor, but I didn’t care. I was already running out of the room, desperate to escape his presence. Desperate to escape the memories which now played in my mind.
With just a glimpse, what he'd written on the board seared into my mind.
Mr. Davis.
I already knew his name. I already knew who he was.
I already knew he was a murderer.
Your = Possession. Your shoes are so sweet!
You're = Omission. You're quite strange...

If you are confused about which to put, simply say in your mind "you are" and see if that fits the sentence. If not, you are looking for your.

Little Macey | Got YWS? | KOTS:BD




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me, me! i'm still reading :) of course i am
another gold star for you! <3
i got to the end, and then realised i'd already read some of this before! the ending anyway. no more fish? :(
xxx




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O.O Murderer substitute teacher! Wasn't expecting that at all. On to the reviewing...

It seems as if this chapter was a tad rushed. Try expanding on things. You wanted to focus on Amelia, but the main focus was oh dear, Amelia is late and then oh dear, a murderer is her teacher.

Just take a little more time with Amelia. Slow things down, let more happen around the events of this chapter. Let the reader see her live in the normality of life, without constant action. You can certainly make more regular day-to-day events work well in here and without boring any readers. You're talented, just let that shine through, and let Amelia shine through as seperate from the plot. Don't forget that your characters are more than just the plot of the story, they are their own seperate beings.

Otherwise, lovely chapter. I really like the twist in the end. Keep writing and I'll keep reading!

-Lauren
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9. A Nasty Surprise

Hey, hope this review is OK, I'm highlighting as I go to save time, far too much homework still left for a Sunday night :(

I hoping I’d gotten the snooze button, and also hoping I had just killed it.
Probably a better word than gotten would add more effect. 'hit the snooze button'? and you don't need the second hoping, i think your using it on purpose for that writing style, but i don't think its best applied there.

grabbing cloths, books, anything handy.
I think you mean clothes. And you need to put 'and' after books instead of a comma. I do the same thing, it often sounds better without, but I'm always told 'its not proper english' so just passing the message along;).


“Mrs. Guilder has gone to Spain. Her daughter called her and said she was getting married, so Mrs. Guilder went to Spain to go to the wedding. She won’t be here for maybe a month.”
This is quite long and repetitive. Urm... what about if you say 'she went to Spain for the wedding' instead of the bit in bold?


My laugh stopped
I think its laughter not laugh.

I already knew he was a murderer.
AWESOME ENDING LINE!!! I really like this chapter. Its such a contrast from the last few, which works really well. For once we're not expecting anything unnatural or scary, just a bit more knowledge about our MC. :) I really couldn't find much to comment on and you know me, i can always find something to change. One thing about your overall story line. I'd like to know a bit more on how she's feeling about all these dreams, all of this information she receives every night. A mix between the conclusion of this chapter and Amelia's high hopes for her should be constantly on her mind. Maybe when Maya is talking you can have her thinking about that a little, like they do in twilight, she seems like a very similar character to Jessica, in her role to the MC.

Wow brilliant, I actually love this, whatever you do don't stop writing this story! PM me the next chapter. I do agree with Lauren, you need to maybe mention the business of the school, describe it a bit, because no two schools are the same. And also verb use, you normally are use a lot better verbs, another sign of rushing a peice. just change a few of the 'I looked' 'I sat'. :)

Miriam.

Oh and Pompeii is amazing, walking around an abandoned city from 79AD, its an inspirational place :)
I'm English, and as such I crave disappointment - Bill Bailey, can sometimes be seen scurrying towards a fast food outlet.




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I'm still reading!! It's getting really good and I can't wait to read more. You do need to slow down a little though, like the others have mentioned; I always have this problem. :roll:. but otherwise it's amazing and please tell me when the next part is up!!

Afeefah
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Hi, PenNPaper here to review!
Wow, good story you have here, nice cliffhanger ending. Okay, there weren't any errors I spotted. I like your description of the 'supply teacher', and I liked the contrast, when the MC was probably the only one who hated or feared the new teacher. Okay, that's about it, nothing much to pinpoint.

Good luck and keep writing, Ciao~
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Ha! No, Bryony, no more fish just yet. :D But soon. C:

Lauren - ah, yeah... It's not too realistic, huh? ): But I've changed the next chapter a little, so it's not as bad. And yeah ... I don't really focus that much on Amelia here, it's more a set-up for the next chapter or two.. Oops. Thank you for the review! ^^

Miriam - Your review was wonderful. :P Ha, sunday is always catch-up-on-homework-that-should've-been-done-ages-ago day. So much for day of rest. Huh.
Useful points! Shall edit soon! Oooh. Great point about her thinking about Alonsa a little more. I have no excuse in this chapter for her not thinking about A, so I'll remember that. ;)
you normally are use a lot better verbs, another sign of rushing a piece. just change a few of the 'I looked' 'I sat'.

Ah ha ha. You should've seen this before I cleared most of 'em. Totally just telling things to the reader. Not good.

Lauren & Miriam - I'll be mentioning a little more about the school later on. Remember that detention she got in chapter one? :D

Afeefah - Thank you! Okay, I see how this is a little rushed. I will change that too! Thanks for saying. ...I never spot these things... O.o

PenNPaper - Aw, thanks. :) I will keep writing ... when I get time ... but at the moment I've written up to chapter 15, and all chapters will most likely need a heavy edit before being shown on YWS.

...Next chapter sometime soon, guys. Thank you all for your support!

PS, if none of this makes any sense, it's 'cause I'm in a really random mood... O.o
Your = Possession. Your shoes are so sweet!
You're = Omission. You're quite strange...

If you are confused about which to put, simply say in your mind "you are" and see if that fits the sentence. If not, you are looking for your.

Little Macey | Got YWS? | KOTS:BD




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I loved it! I've neglected to read this story (other projects :smt002) But I loved it again! Keep writing and PM me when you write more!
"I'll be a hero if I live."
"You'll live."
"Until I die."
-Birdwing
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“Though lovers be lost, love shall not; And death shall have no dominion.”
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