bigger meanings - prologue

This is the beggining to my story I need to know what you think about it so i can better it. Thanks in advance!

~Prologue~
Bigger meanings
Do you believe that people have a destiny? Something greater than blending in with a crowd? Something more important than fitting in or getting good grades? Something more than a normal, mundane life? I do.
I hope its true, if only because I do none of the above. I don’t fit in, I don’t get good grades, but I do have a wonderfully normal life . . . for now.
My name is Jensen Jones.
I am a normal fifteen year old high schooler.
I want to remain a normal high school girl.
Staying under the radar, out of the spotlight, is my only goal.
I’m not incredibly pretty, nor smart; I’m not even tall, but I’m a mystery.
That little fact makes me an oddity, a story to be dissected. I came to the small city of Nampa, Idaho two years ago. I am an orphan. I don’t, infact, remember my parents. The lack of those memories, that tiny thing, makes me cringe at the thought, do to that truth, and some . . . other things, I am different.
But I doubt you picked up this, my story, to listen to an angsty teenager ramble on about how horrid her life is, so, on to my other words.
Do you truly believe we were meant for greater things then feeding the dog? As I also stated earlier, i do.

So, did it catch your attention? its a really short piece i know but its mostly to get you intrested, i wrote it at 4-0-clock in the morning soooo, critique!

Hello WolfDaemon! I'm Lydia and I will be your reviewer for today.

I am interested to see where this piece will go, I think you should write more and carry on with this, but first some nit-picks.

Something greater then blending with a crowd?

I think you mean 'than' rather than 'then'

Something more then a normal, mundane life?

Again, than rather than then

Im not incredibly pretty, nor smart, im not even tall, but im a mystery.

I'm not im, it's just a punctuation habit you should get into.

were meant for greater things then feeding the dog?

Than not then


Ok so overall I thought this was interesting, although I am a little confused as to whether your MC (main character) was a boy or a girl...?
Other than this though, and the mistakes I pointed out in the nit-picks, I thought it was great. Please PM me if and when you write more.

Well Done,
Keep Writing
~Lydia

I liked this and my attention was definitely caught by it. I think you've used some lovely techniques here and you have a unique style of writing. A few things I would change, and some grammar problems (in bold):

Do you believe that people have a destiny? Something greater then blending in with a crowd? Something more important then fitting in or getting good grades? Something more then a normal, mundane life? I do.
I hope it's true, if only because I am do none of the above. I don’t fit in, I don’t get good grades, but I do have a wonderfully normal life . . . for now.
My name is Jensen Jones.
I am a normal seventeen year old high schooler.
I want to remain a normal high school girl.
I want to Stay under the radar, out of the spotlight. This sentence is a fragment. Sometimes it works using them for effect but in this instance I would make it a complete sentence.
I'm not incredibly pretty, nor smart,; iI'm not even tall, but iI'm a mystery.
That little fact makes me an oddity, a story to be dissected. I came to the small city of Nampa, Idaho two years ago. I am an orphan. I don’t, in fact, remember my parents. A tiny thing that makes me cringe at the thought, thusly, I am different.
This last sentence needs some work. I'm not completely sure what you're trying to convey with it, but it seems like you're trying to contradict yourself with the first bit, so you need to include a connective there: it's a tiny thing, but/however/although it makes me cringe at the thought. 'Thusly' - I was about to say it's not a word, but it's an Americanism - whatever it is, it's sloppy English and I wouldn't use it. Anyway, it doesn't make sense, if (as the dictionary says) it means the same as 'thus'. I don't think you need a word here - you can use a colon. So the sentence becomes: 'It's a tiny thing, but it makes me cringe at the thought of it: I am different.'
But I doubt you picked up this, my story, to listen to an angsty teenager ramble on about how horrid 'Horrid' seems quite a trivial word to use here. Try 'awful' or 'horrible' her life is, so, on to my previous not sure about 'previous' here. It may be right that your character wrote the words previously, but I'd say you need to use something else. words.
Do you truly believe we were meant for greater things then feeding the dog? As I also stated earlier, I do.

Jensen (Jensey) Jones

thanks, i am pretty sure i got all the things you suggested, shook things up a bit, scrambled and unscrambled

Interesting piece. It's going to go somewhere. Keep it up! Here's some suggestions:

Do you believe that people have a destiny? Something greater than blending in with a crowd? Something more important than fitting in or getting good grades? Something more than a normal, mundane life? I do.

I hope its it's true, if only because I do none of the above. I don’t fit in, I don’t get good grades, but I do have a wonderfully normal life . . . for now.

My name is Jensen Jones.

I am a normal seventeen year old high schooler.

I want to remain a normal high school girl.

Staying under the radar, out of the spotlight, is my only goal.

I’m not incredibly pretty, nor smart; I’m not even tall, but I’m a mystery.

That little fact makes me an oddity, a story to be dissected. I came to the small city of Nampa, Idaho two years ago. I am an orphan. I don’t, infact, in fact remember my parents. The lack of those memories, that tiny thing, makes me cringe at the thought,Period here, not a comma. do I think you meant "Due". to that truth, and some . . . other things, I am different.

But I doubt you picked up this, my story, to listen to an angsty teenager ramble on about how horrid her life is, so, on to my other words.

Do you truly believe we were meant for greater things then feeding the dog? As I also stated earlier, i I do.

Like I said before, it's interesting. I really liked it. Keep going with it!

thanks everyone! i will most likely post chap. 1 later today, its going pretty fast!

by the way, the chapters are longer, so should i put it as a attachment or just post it?

This did catch my attenchtion!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You need to write a story on this!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have to see where this goes!!!!!!!!!!!!! this could be the basis of a best seller!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Message me when you write more!!!!!!!!!!

It really caught my attention and I am wondering where it might lead. I can't wait to read chapter 1!
What is your chapters name?
is it Bigger meanings? I like it
I think the name Jensen James is a really cool name
I look forward to reading your first chapter.

This piece was very good, even though it breaks a lot of the rules I don't like broken. The MC speaks directly to the audience. She tells us a lot, rather than showing. Yet despite that I did enjoy it.

What saved it was a terrific character voice. There was a subtle sarcasm there that I found very appealing. Keep that good characterisation going, and your story can be forgiven for a lot of things.

That being said, I wouldn't continue with this style for too long, because it will wear out eventually. Keep the voice, but don't keep telling.

You also did a superb job of pacing by varying sentence lengths and paragraphing.

by the way, the chapters are longer, so should i put it as a attachment or just post it?

The only place we use attatchments here is in the advanced critiques section. Just post it. If they're very long you might want to break them up and post half chapters. I'd be careful about posting more than 2500 words at a tim max, because a lot of people (myself included) don't have time to review something really long.

Caught my atention pretty well. But the whole lanky, talentless orphan girl seems really cliche to me. True having an orphan character gives them interesting backstories, but it's been done a lot. this was powerful yet subtle, which i find is a herd thing to do, so Kudos for that.
all in all good prolgue.people above got all the errors.

-OLLI

thanks. i have to admit its fun to write. . . sort of wierd, but even i dont know whats going to happen next, like the albanian gryphon, ahahaha.

Alright, your prologue. I think it has potential. Personally, I'm not one for prologues because most of the time they aren't necessary and they are quite difficult to write well. But to each his own, right?

The positives: interesting tone/thoughts from your character, I like it. Your character contemplating on the realities of life (mundane v. exciting). The general idea of this is good, and could be a very good prologue.

The negatives: telling. angsty teenager cliche.

On to my advice. Don't give us everything about your character in the prologue. As of this small part of the story I know Jensen Jones is an angsty, orphaned average teenager who is more than likely not going to be so average in a very short amount of time. I have very little interest in learning more about this character, because I know that I am dealing with an angsty not quite normal orphaned teenager. Give Jensen some substance and then reveal that substance throughout the story. Make the reader want to know more about this kid.

I do really like the idea of her giving a sort of monologue here. You can reveal so much through her thoughts and speech that you don't have to come right out and say. And if you can do so in a way that won't give away the plot yet will hook the reader in then you have a stellar prologue coming your way.

Good luck, and keep writing! Can't wait to see where you can go with this.

-Lauren

Hi Wolfdaemon
I like it and I can see that I've been beaten at nit-picking so the only thing I'd like to point out is that it's I do not i do. Can you pm me when you put up more because even in that short bit i got really into the story.

haha, thanks, i am working on editing the first chapter, its a little long.