Sorry about the wait, but I said I would, and here I am.
The beginning is a really good hook-in. However, I might suggest taking "Lucky me." out of it because you break up something very foreboding with sarcasm. Seems to throw off the seriousness of the matter. Other than that, great.
I was going to tell you (and those who corrected) not to worry, and that spelling things "realized," "paralyzed," etc. with a Z is a mainly American thing, and that spelling it with an S is perfectly correct as well, but you beat me to it.
...and I made my way to >"to" doesn't seem to fit well here--has a weird sound to it. Maybe try something like "back behind the counter." behind the counter, certain he would ask for his usual; cigarettes and lotteries.
But when he set foot on the step leading to my cash’s >Typo? Cash, or cash register, perhaps? -and to me- I knew two things: One, Eric was stepping into no man’s land.
No customer was permitted behind the counter, ever. And two, I was in big trouble and my guard dog was nowhere to be found. Lucky me. >Another "Lucky me." that seems to momentarily change the tone to sarcasm. Of course, if you want to keep it, you can say something like, "Lucky me, I thought. That way, it's not part of the narration.
I wasn’t stupid,(semicolon or period rather than comma.) I was pretty sure what he wanted but I was hoping to shake him out of it.
I can't really find much else wrong with your grammar--it's good. I'm quite impressed.
I agree with what others have said that perhaps more should be told about Shanna; we know more about Eric than we do about our main character. You could probably just slip a few small details about her in the narration, in places where something might fit. That would improve hugely without too much hair-pulling.
I sort of like that you haven't described the corner store in excruciating detail, as we've all seen convenience stores before, and they're all pretty much the same. You describe that there's a step-up to her station, and you say how the shelves are arranged. That's really, as far as a corner store goes, what we need to know.
I'm going to let the bleeding out thing go a bit; yeah, she probably would have lost consciousness a bit faster, but she covers the wound, which would slow the bleeding...I guess just take that into consideration...or have her wrench open the first aid kit and throw a gauze bandage tightly around it while the dog's wrestling Eric down. But it's plausible.
So my main thing is, and I know it's for plot purposes, but I want to know what's in her head that's making her not just give him the money. I've worked as a cashier for years, and at every job, we're told "If someone comes up and wants the money out of the register, I don't care if they are or seem armed or not, just give it to them. Your safety is more important than the money from your shift." And that's true. Companies have plenty of money (usually) and can easily write that off as a loss. So, something is making her defend it more than she defends herself. What's going through her head there?
Riley seems to have almost...er...human characteristics. This could get fun.
Your way of describing things is nice; you don't pile on the detail, yet you're not sparing with it. You seem to have a good balance with your narration.
This seems like it's going somewhere. I like it so far. I'm a little confused as to why it's in the fantasy category at this point, but I have faith that something's going to give it a nifty twist. You've done a good job!
If you'd like me to take a look at any further chapters, let me know when you post them. I'm really interested, and I'd love to check them out as well as give you some input.
Take care, and keep up the great work!
~Freyja
