Forever Lost

Dawn comes, another day begun
The birds begin a song already sung
Your eyes, your smile, your stuck in my mind
I search for another, you all that I find

I look for you in hallways and classes
But spotting you is like one way glasses
I can you see clearly standing there,
But you cant see me or feel my stare

I watch through the one way glasses
Watching as your swallowed up by the masses
Another day of a one way feeling
Another day of just being

LOST

I'm seem to be just in a line
Girls just waiting, all saying "MINE"
In the back I watch one by one
The girls claim you, by setting sun

Can you hear my sorrow
My thoughts of no tomorrow
My future blank, fading away
Without you, i have no day

Cant you see my hope lies in you
Even after all Ive been through
The stars give me a different fate
I stand alone, behind the locked gate

LOST FOREVER

I love this poem all the rhyming words actually go with this poem! Great job! But there are a few misspelled words and punctuation errors but I bet if you go back through you could find them and fix them real fast. Keep up the awesome work ! p.s: I wish the poem was longer!

Hello Kayay

I really liked this and like Snicker said your rhymes make sense and don't seem too forced. There are some mistakes, mostly punctuation towards the end but it won't take you long to find them. Remember to be to capitalize you 'I's, you have one in there that it lowercase but this is probably a typo.

Well Done,
Keep Writing
~Lydia

Hey Kayay!

I like this poem, and like the others have said it's got a few typos and punctuation errors, so you should juts fix them up.

I like the poem, but it seems a little cliche, and doesn't have a lot of depth to her emotion. She seems to be making a big fuss, about one person, who she doesn't know? Maybe if you said he never looked at her in that way. But it seems as though she's obsessing, and deeply in love with someone she doesn't know well enough to say 'hi' to?
I think you should try and add more to their relationship, or what isn't their relationship.

Good work, keep writing!

~Mo.

Mo. wrote:juts

typo XD

Anyway the poem! (Hi, by the way)
I think the second line of your poem is a little forced in rhyme. As much as I get the picture you're painting I don't think it fits and it jutters the fluency. I'd scratch the rhyme and reposition this line somewhere later in the poem.

Your eyes, your smile, your stuck in my mind

Fluency and rhythm of this line are great but it doesn't work with the following line becasue you haven't punctuated the ending. Put a semi-colon or fullstop at the end of this line and your flow of reading will improve.

LOST

I'd get rid of it and just put "lost" on the line before. The capitals don't do anything for effect or impact and it merely looks cheesy.

Apart from this I think you've done well in painting some vivid imagery. I'd merely revise some of the rhythm, alter the rhyme scheme so you can rebel a bit and perhaps flower up the description and content to give us a real shot of effect.

Keep up the writing,
Ben

kayay123 wrote: Without you, i have no day

An I by itself must always be capitalized, your poetry has a certain rhythm to me.To me it is not all about the rhymes and riddles. It has to make you feel something and this poem really did.

You are a talented poet, keep it up and I shall look out for more of your work.

Hey there!

To be blatantly honest, I generally don't like poems that rhyme and carry romantic themes because they come off as overdone or cliche. Here, I don't think you did too bad, although you do have a few spelling errors, such as your instead of you're, and so forth.

However, I think your word organization can be improved, dear. In some spots, the lines read fine, but in others, they stumbled and came off as lines that seemed to be thrown in for the sake of letting your poem rhyme and/or say something love-like, and I don't think you should do that.

Alot of times, writers make the mistake of thinking that they have to forcefully complete an idea when it doesn't naturally close, and you don't have to. You can transition an idea to a new thought, you can leave it alone, and come back to it later --anything! Just don't force the words, because it shows in your writing.

Hope that helped some! Keep writing!

June