Crescent Scar Elena scene

Here's a short scene from a story im working on. Tell me what you think! Lancelot Knightly



Elena awoke to the mice gnawing on her toes. Kicking them aside, she wrestled with her chains but to no avail. She stopped when she felt them cut into her wrist. Elena sat on a floor of what looked and smelled like some rusty old prison. Moss and decayed wood roamed about, maybe she was in a forest. “Great a forest prison how convenient” she sighed. Her arms were hanging north leaving the rest of her body free to resist. It had been ten days since she was kidnapped and brought to wherever this hellish place was.

The memory hit her like a hammer. The day had been warm and peaceful. Since she lived alone, her life was quiet with little trouble. Then they came. She was sitting in her room combing her hair, when her front door was smashed open. On first instinct, she locked her door and scanned her window. There were two men outside in case she should run, so she did the next best thing she hid in the closet. Before her father had died, he warned her that someday she would be taken away. When she asked why, his last breath left him before he could answer. It was the reason they had moved every few years. After his death, she decided it was enough so she stayed at the last home that they had live in together. She never truly believed her father’s words until now. The men broke the locks on her room door and entered scanning.

It was quiet in those brief moments, until they entered her room. A fat man with freckles started opening her draws, pulling out some underwear. The man closed his eyes as he inhaled her scent. “Disgusting” she thought not uttering a word out of fear. The men continued searching while they looted her jewelry. As they started to leave, her stomach growled with hunger. Quickly placing her hands over her stomach she prayed it did not betray her. “Why didn’t I eat supper?” no one seemed to notice except the fat freckled man. He waved to the others as he approached the closet. Fear was etched across Elena’s face as the door broke opened and she’d been found. Filthy hands grabbed her and took her away.

As the men laughed, she kicked and screamed. Hunched over one of the men’s shoulders, she felt powerless to escape and bit the man’s behind. He yelled and another man punched the back of her head. Unconscious, she woke in chains. Following after, every morning they would feed her pig slop. When she did not eat, they shoved it down her throat. So they needed her alive, but for what purpose? It was night time, and she was exhausted with frustration pulsing through her tempos’. Kicking the remaining rats, they scurried to another cell. “Father what is the meaning of this?” She wanted to cry…wanted to scream…but she knew better than to show weakness. Tired of protecting her toes, she let herself drift to sleep if only for a moment till the rats feasted once again.

Elena sat on a floor of what looked and smelled like some rusty old prison. Moss and decayed wood roamed about, maybe she was in a forest. “Great a forest prison how convenient” she sighed.

-For one, how is she both in a prison, and in the forest? You need to explain that further. I cannot picture it.
-Secondly, after 'convenient' there needs to be a comma.

There were two men outside in case she should run, so she did the next best thing she hid in the closet.

So after 'thing' I would put a colon.

“Disgusting” she thought not uttering a word out of fear.

So direct thoughts from your characters are not to be put in quotes. They are to be italicized.

“Why didn’t I eat supper?” no one seemed to notice except the fat freckled man.

-Again, the thought should be italicized.
-And the 'no' should be capitalized.

It was night time, and she was exhausted with frustration pulsing through her tempos’.

Did you mean 'temples'? And there shouldn't be a ' after the word.

Overall
I liked this. You need some help on your dialogue, though, I can tell. When you insert dialogue, there are certain steps you need to take. Here is a link. It's really nice and easy to read.

You have a very interesting story here, I would love to read more.

Classy

Hey hi! I'm GryphonFledgling and I'll be your reviewer today.

Elena sat on a floor of what looked and smelled like some rusty old prison.

I know what you mean here by "some rusty old prison" and it works in dialogue and ordinary speech, but when just reading this sentence for the first time, I was really confused by "some". "A" would probably be a better word choice there, just for clarity's sake.

Moss and decayed wood roamed about, maybe she was in a forest.

How can inanimate objects "roam"? Perhaps they "were strewn" about or something like that? Roaming implies that they were moving around of their own power.

“Great a forest prison how convenient” she sighed.

When starting a line of dialogue by each new character, the dialogue should be bumped down to start its own paragraph. Here it's sort of trapped in the middle of the paragraph.
ex. Jamie took a bite of the cake and had to suppress his grimace.

"It's great," he said as soon as he was sure his gag reflex was in check.

"Really?" Opal asked, beaming. "It's not too sweet?"

Far from it, Jamie thought. She must have used salt instead of sugar. "It's marvelous," he said.

Her arms were hanging north leaving the rest of her body free to resist.

How exactly can one's arms hang "north"? Is it that they were pulled up? And how is she free to resist? Can she move about and resist anyone who tries to bother her? This sentence just confused me.

The men broke the locks on her room door and entered scanning.

Scanning what? The room? Without the scanning being directed onto anything, it sort of sounds like they entered with scanners, like sci-fi or something, and that wasn't the setting I picked up from this story.

This was just a scene, so I can't evaluate it in context with the rest of the story, but this seemed interesting. It'd be interesting to see how it all comes together.

~GryphonFledgling