Fear...then Death

Move! What are you doing, idiot??!! MOVE ALREADY!
You try to listen to your mind but fear has taken over your body. You see the car moving towards you like death coming up to greet you and put you in its grasp. As I was thinking these thoughts a trickle of perspiration hit my eye.
Move…NOW!!!
The truck’s getting closer but the weird thing is it seems like everything’s slower. The car was creeping my way while my mind was frequently advising me to move.
Do you want to DIE???!!! MOVE!!!
I tried to listen but as I tried to move nothing happened..you can say fear was sort of possessing my body in a way. The fear was messing with my mind too because the car was inching closer slower than ever but now…BAMMM!!!! I was thrust into the air with a magnitude of force from the truck. I felt nothing for a few seconds then a huge explosion of pain hit me…and it disappeared as fast as it had come.
My spirit was slowly drifting away from my body and finally death had a grasp on me and took me away from the world I lived in to the next…

I love yur story! Its truley a origanal. But maybe adding something to this

The truck’s getting closer but the weird thing is it seems like everything’s slower

will make it more ecxiting like " The 18 weeler truck was coming closer and closer, but the world was weirdly seems to be holing back the second hand of the clock of time." Not to be mean, just making helful suggestions1 keep on writng!

Thanks for the comment! And I noticed that! I was just really hyped to be writing! Writing's a passion and I sometimes just get like WOOO! But thanks for the compliment!!

Hey Princess!
I'll review your story today!
So, first of all I have to say that this is pretty small, and that's kinda obvious isn't it?
This is a setback for stories sometimes, because they tend to tell us things that are a bit too light to actually grasp something important in the story.But...
the general idea, or storyline that you have going on in this piece is actually great. I felt that because of the size of the piece, you weren't able to show us more, or make us be more into the story.
So some nitpicks.

Move! What are you doing, idiot??!! MOVE ALREADY!

This should be italicized because these are the character thoughts.

You try to listen to your mind but fear has taken over your body. You see the car moving towards you like death coming up to greet you and put you in its grasp. As I was thinking these thoughts a trickle of perspiration hit my eye.

IN here, I don't think that the second person point of view works good. Why? It's kind of hard picturing that when someone is talking to you instead of showing you and making you feel what that person felt. And second, because you changed it to first person in the next sentences. So, I think you should just write it in first person.

As I was thinking these thoughts a trickle of perspiration hit my eye.

This is quite an interesting picture to be honest, I liked it.

The truck’s getting closer but the weird thing is it seems like everything’s slower

You should rephrase this, really. First thing, you should change the verb tense and make it past, because most of the story in past tense.
The truck was getting closer, but the weird thing was, that it seemed like everything was slower.
Second you should place a comma between closer and it, and was and that.
Third, what were feelings when she saw everything slowing down? how did she feel?

I tried to listen but as I tried to move nothing happened..you can say fear was sort of possessing my body in a way

Your description of her reactions seem really dull and quite boring. You should try to make them sound more interesting and appealing, so that we can actually jump out of our seats when we read it.

The fear was messing with my mind too because the car was inching closer slower than ever but now…BAMMM!!!! I was thrust into the air with a magnitude of force from the truck

Ok, fear, fear, fear. Yes, it's an interesting feeling that can be portrayed in many ways and described in many other, but right now, you used fear as the only descriptive word. And...it came to a point where it said nothing. Describe us what she felt, how everything looked to her in that moment. Try this: was it in shades of black and white? was it bright or too dark? how was her body reacting? was she breathing heavily?

I felt nothing for a few seconds then a huge explosion of pain hit me…and it disappeared as fast as it had come.

Recommendation: don't rush into things and just tell us the things that are important. So slow down a bit and show us the transition from where the truck hit her to the moment when she felt the huge explosion don't just tell us she was in pain, show us. Remember that in writing, the most important thing is to show, not to tell.

My spirit was slowly drifting away from my body and finally death had a grasp on me and took me away from the world I lived in to the next…

I liked this ending, I really did, is great. But you can make it more dramatic and make us see everything from a different perspective if you just showed us and described us a little more things.

So overall, I think you've got a great idea here and you should develop it more.

Pudin

I sorta rushed through with this one so it isn't my best...and I was lazy about the italicizing so hehe yes but anyways I'm revising it so thanks for everything...don't worry I'm much better at writing than this...

I think this is great!

Hi it's PenNPaper here.
Your story was extremely short, try to make it a little longer next time.
Okay so it was okay, there's some suspense in the first few paragraphs, too many CAPS.

I tried to listen but as I tried to move nothing happened

Basically you're repeating 'I tried to'. How about 'I listened but as I tried to move nothing happened'. And if you tried to listen, you really wouldn't hear anything.

Okay that's all for the mistakes, have fun writing!

I think this is a good idea and a great begining but please never use caps when you write. I enjoyed the ending also:)