The White Knight Chapter Ten Love Revealed

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Idres looked up, hearing something. He got up and looked towards the forest, eyes searching sword half drawn.
"What is wrong here?"
Idres turned around. It was James, a fellow Red Knight, who was a few years younger than him.
Idres disliked James for several reasons. Like Scott, James had to decide between either a painful death or becoming a Red Knight. Even though he was excellent on the battlefield, Idres was afraid that James would become a traitor. He would kill him whenever he saw any signs of desertion.
"I heard something." There was another sound. "Do not attack before you know who or what is out there."
A few moments later a woman and knight in gray armor came into view.
"Put away your swords, Knights!" shouted the woman. "I come in peace. My knights and I can join yours and help destroy the Knights of King Alexander and King Christoph. You know me. I am Melisande."
"Yes," Idres said. "I know about you. You once was the leader of my knights many a night ago. Welcome back my Goddess. We have waited for your reuniting."
"I lost hope years after my separation from the Red Knights. I was getting nowhere. Therefore, I created the Death Bearers. This is Grimson. He is their leader. The reason why I am here is to give you information of the Knights of Kings Alexander and Christoph. I have the power to foresee what their plans are."
"This is interesting. Come. Let us talk in private."
"I must give you a word of warning. You better not try to kill me. I could destroy the Red Knights just as easily as I created them."
"You need not fear that. Anyone who is an enemy of those knights is a friend of mine. Also, I know about you Melisande. I would not dare to think of killing you. I do not think there is any way of killing you, is there?"
"No. There is nothing that can kill me," answered Melisande. Then she added to herself, “No way, except one."
By this time Melisande, Grimson and Idres were out of earshot. James refused to go with them. He looked at Idres. Hatred flashed in his eyes.
"Damn him," he muttered under his breath. "I wish he was dead. I would be very pleased to kill him."

The knights walked in the shadows of approaching darkness. They were two of the several knights pulling guard duty. They walked around the perimeter of the camp, ready to rush to the aid of the Kingsbane if any enemy should chance to appear. To keep preoccupied from thought of time, they talked about different things that happened that day.
"Maria had a close call today."
"I know what you mean," said the second knight. "Bellerophon knew that she displayed great bravery. He gave her a second chance to live."
"Hopefully she has learned never to tangle with Melisande again. There is nothing to stop that sorceress."
"How is Maria anyway?"
"She appears fine. She was talking to Geoffrey before we went on guard duty.
"Geoffrey has not been himself at all. He has been in a quiet and morose mood all day."
"I have heard that he may be relieved of his duties."
"Because of his outburst? That can not be so. He is one of the best archers we have."
"If he can prove himself, his dismissal may be reconsidered."
"Let's hope so."
The two knights walked on. The night went on. Eventually, the first streaks of daylight could be seen. A knight appeared as if from nowhere. He approached a knight on guard.
"Who goes there?"
"Do you not know who I am?"
The knight looked closely at this stranger. By the help of the approaching daylight, the knight could see the stranger's armor. It was made of solid gold. His eyes fell upon the handsome face of the stranger. Realizing who it was, the knight fell to his knees.
"Forgive me, Lord Bellerophon, for not recognizing you."
"Arise," said Bellerophon, gently. "Bring me to King Alexander."

Earlier that evening, an hour before the sun had completely disappeared from view, Maria awakened from a deep sleep. She looked around and noticed where she was. She vaguely remembered Bellerophon talking to the group of concerned knights and also being carried back to the camp.
Maria continued to lie down, trying to remember her dreams. She could not recall them, but had a feeling some were about Geoffrey.
"Maria? Are you awake?"
"Yes, I just woke up."
"I am pulling guard duty tonight. Will you sit with me? I need someone to talk to so I can stay awake."
"Yes, I will come. I slept enough. I do not feel tired now."
She got up and followed Geoffrey.
"We are going to be in the woods. If anything happens or if I tell you to run, go as fast as you can back to the other knights."
Finally, they reached the wood line. They walked a few meters in.
"This looks like a good place," Geoffrey said, throwing down a couple of wool blankets against the tree. "We may not need these now because it is warm. Yet, it may get chilly later tonight."
Maria sat down with her back against the tree. Geoffrey sat down next to her.
"Maria, what you did for me today was the most courageous and unselfish acts I ever saw. However, never do that again for me."
Maria faced Geoffrey. "What do you mean?"
"Maria, I thought I had lost you today. I felt empty when I saw what Melisande did to you. I just can not think of what to say. It is just I did not deserve it because of the way I treated you. This is hard for me to say because I am confused about my thoughts. Geoffrey reached out his hand and caressed her face. "What I am trying to say Maria is that I love you."
It took Maria a moment to let that sink in. "You love me?"
"Yes. I think I have loved you all the time. Howeve3r, I was just too stubborn to admit it."
"The way you treated me when I first appeared in this world was not that much of an act of love."
Geoffrey bowed his head in shame. "I know. I treated you harshly. A Kingsbane does not have much room for trust. I did not believe your story at first. But, as I got to know you more I trusted you.
"Do you remember when I told you to hide in the forest before the battle began?"
"Yes. I could not believe it when you suggested such a thing."
"I said it because I care for you. I said it before and I will say it again, I love you. You do not have to love me."
Geoffrey started to rise as if to leave.
"No stay!" Maria reached out and held his hand. "Nobody has ever told me that he loved me before. I was shocked to hear it, especially from you. Since you have told me, I will tell you also. I love you. I think about you every day. I guess I did not realize it was love until tonight."
Then, as if the moment was right, they began kissing.
"Maria, you are so beautiful. I will never let anyone hurt you."
Geoffrey pulled a ring off his finger. "I want to give you this. This belonged to my father."
"I can not take it."
"You must. I want you to remember me." He slipped the ring on her finger.
"I will never forget you. If you want me to I will keep the ring. If you want it back just ask."
"I will."
They sat holding hands for a while. Soon Maria’s eyes got heavy and she soon fell asleep.
She woke up just before dawn. Geoffrey had put the blankets over her because it got cold.
"It is time we get back,” Geoffrey said.
"Yes. And I have a feeling Bellerophon is there."
Soon Maria and Geoffrey reached the remaining knights. She noticed Sir Peter and King Alexander talking to a knight in gold armor.
"Is that Bellerophon?"
"Yes it is. He is in his human form."
They approached the small group.
"Good, I am glad you arrived," said Bellerophon, said facing them. Maria was shocked when she saw this creator of Utofamia face-to-face. She was expecting to see a being that was formidable, somebody she could not approach. With his long curly blond hair, tanned body-well at least the parts she could see-if he was wearing sunglasses, board shorts, and a muscle shirt and holding a surfboard, he would look like the surfer dude who sat next to her in class, the one who was more interested in hitting the waves than he was in hitting the books. She felt comfortable in standing in Bellerophon’s presence. He continued talking, "Peter and Geoffrey, what I say you must repeat to your men. Maria you may stay and listen to what I say.
"I am here to protect you from Melisande. She knows what your plans are even though she is miles away. With me here, my power can hide your thoughts from her."
"There is a bit of bad news. Melisande and her Death Bearers have just joined the Red Knights.
Bellerophon continued to talk, instructing different types of strategies. Maria did not listen much. Finally, he was done and Sir Peter and Geoffrey went to talk to their men.
Bellerophon turned to Maria. "We have finally met. I understand you have read a bit of the history of Utofamia?"
"Yes, I have."
"Well, then you have heard what has happened to Romana Marlena--my wife--and of the stranger who is to release the spell?"
"Yes I did. Am I that person?"
"I do not know. There have been several visitors throughout the years."
"I am sure if I am the person, I will find a way to destroy Melisande."
"Do not tangle with Melisande unless you are positively sure of a way to destroy her. If she finds out that you are from a different world, she will make sure that you will not end her life."




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Good lord, girl, you can write! I love this! I just read all ten chapters within an hour. Be sure to contact me when you put out the next chapter!

OK, so I love this book. However, it seems like you don't manually check your grammar. I'd suggest that, since YWS spellcheck doesn't check punctuation. I'm a little short on time, so I'll just say there are a lot of missing commas, and some misplaced quotation marks in random places. Also, I'd suggest being a little more descriptive with certain things. Such as
Then, as if the moment was right, they began kissing.

I know it is a rather awkward thing to describe things like that if you are trying to keep it modest, but it would definitely be a much more meaningful scene of reading if you were to describe it as, say, "Then, as if the moment was just right, Geoffrey leaned in tentatively and kissed her." or something of that sort.

But whether or not you miss out on punctuation, or leave out a little descriptiveness, you fill it in very well with all the great lines which you follow with the story! Keep it up!

~ Spiral




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Thank you. A lot of helpful people are leaving suggestions and telling em where my spelling mistakes are. I have about seven more chapters to post. Then I will go back and rework.

There is a second fantasy story I wrote last year for Nano and I will be posting that one also. I think you will like it, I feel that it is a lot better than this one.




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Yeah I am pretty modest and feel awkward when it comes to a romantic scene. A kiss here and there is all that will go in my stories.




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Okay, well I read chapters nine and ten, but I'm just going to comment on this one since I thought it would take a while to correct the mistakes...

writewannabe wrote:He got up and looked towards the forest, eyes searching sword half drawn.

You should put a comma after searching or add "and"

writewannabe wrote:He would kill him whenever he saw any signs of desertion.

I would change whenever for if ever, since it might not ever happen

writewannabe wrote: You once was the leader of my knights many a night ago.

you once were

writewannabe wrote:To keep preoccupied from thought of time, they talked about different things that happened that day.

That's just said a bit weird, I'd change that

writewannabe wrote:Finally, they reached the wood line. They walked a few meters in.

The only problem here is that you don't describe the surroundings much. It's hard for people to imagine the scene when they don't know what the scenery looks like.

writewannabe wrote:"Maria, what you did for me today was the most courageous and unselfish acts I ever saw.

It's only one act, so stays singular

writewannabe wrote:This is hard for me to say because I am confused about my thoughts. Geoffrey reached out his hand and caressed her face.

There's missing a " after thoughts.

writewannabe wrote:It took Maria a moment to let that sink in. "You love me?"

There's nothing wrong here per say, but you use the characters names a lot! It would be good to use more pronouns or other ways of calling them, especially in scenes like this when there is only two characters.

writewannabe wrote:"Yes. I think I have loved you all the time. Howeve3r, I was just too stubborn to admit it."

You added a 3, lol

writewannabe wrote:"No stay!" Maria reached out and held his hand. "Nobody has ever told me that he loved me before. I was shocked to hear it, especially from you. Since you have told me, I will tell you also. I love you. I think about you every day. I guess I did not realize it was love until tonight."

I was definitely expecting that, ever since the beginning. My only thing is, yes you mention that Maria thinks about him during the story, but there isn't much building of emotions, in all honesty. In the other chapters, you should make more time for them to actually seem like they are getting closer and closer, and not just by thinking it. Simple things like loooking at him/her a long time and stuff like that.

writewannabe wrote:Then, as if the moment was right, they began kissing.

You wrote that you had problems writing kissing stuff, which is okay. A hint of advice, think of the 5 sences if you want to write about it; stuff like how it felt, tasted, how a person smelled and stuff like that. It tends to help.

writewannabe wrote:They sat holding hands for a while. Soon Maria’s eyes got heavy and she soon fell asleep.

You can remove that one, it's too much

writewannabe wrote:"Good, I am glad you arrived," said Bellerophon, said facing them.

You can also remove that one

writewannabe wrote:Maria was shocked when she saw this creator of Utofamia face-to-face.

I would change this for the, because it makes it seem like if there is more than one creator or else.

writewannabe wrote:Bellerophon continued to talk, instructing different types of strategies. Maria did not listen much.

Here I would mention why she isn't paying attention to something so important as war strategies. Is she lost in thought? Is she thinking of Geoffrey? It's important to know what her reasons are.

So, that's the basic things I wanted to mention. As I said before, your story is very interesting, it has so much potential! However, you make a lot of mistakes (not so much in this chapter) and sometimes pass over small details that turn out to be important. Although you do a spelling check, everytime you publish something, you should completly go through it again, just to make sure.

I know I might sound like a nag, but know that I really do enjoy your story over all!
Got a story you'd like reviewed?
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Punctuation is the difference between "Let's eat, Grandma" and "Let's eat Grandma".



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Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.
— Brené Brown