Pleasure Amidst Vanity (Part 1)

February 3rd, 2010

This is my journal: A collection of brief writings about the going-ons of my day, or any spontaneous thoughts that cross my mind and are given the opportunity to vacate onto my paper via pen. Whatever it is I ponder for any length of time I will jot it down. This journal is the closest thing to my heart at all times, it's my life support, my cure for ennui, and a project to improve my writing. My name is Elie and I dedicate this montage of the mind to those who seek the intangible.

February 4th, 2010

There he was, distant. To him, I was a tear unnoticed in rain. What would he think if he knew about my concentration on him. My attention to his detail.
I lusted for him with fiery primal passion, while at the same time I respectfully admired and appreciated his beautiful body, like a connoisseur of the eroding rotten flesh, all in the hope of pleasure amidst vanity.

I wanted to lye with him the way a man lies with a woman.

With echoes of Tantalus I bit my lip, left only to entertain hollow thoughts. What some take for granted, I hold sacred. I savor and cherish it the same way a poor man does a meal, not knowing when, or if, he will be blessed with another. A full stomach does not retain its appetite for food.
For, an intimate union between two people actualizes, makes physical, the spiritual link felt between all mankind. But I am left to my own animalistic desires, and nothing to satisfy them with. I am empty, and alone in my own introspective and mirrored universe.

As someone once famously said: love hurts.

He may not have meant it in the same context as I do now, but that only testifies to its deep resonance within every human's heart. And so we press on.

And he turns away.

* * *

The aroma of roasted coffee beans flutters and swims below my nose, leading it on. My body courses with and drifts in unison with the current.
I gently lift my eyelids to see Jean in front of me with a cup of French roast coffee within his wrapped hands. He giggled and greeted me, "Hey! Good morning, good morning!"
"You too!" I creatively replied. Another smooth day it's turning out to be.
Jean is a real bon vivant. I could sit, sipping hot tea, and exchanging thoughts with him for hours on end. He is majoring in Art and learning philosophy as well. The two of which I admire greatly.
"What have you got there?" He questioned.
"Oh nothing, just some papers for Monsieur Dupont." Pascal Dupont is a man of omnipresent influence. He is the head of our local library. A very avid reader, who, once he retired, took this position to help bring literature to the world like Prometheus did with fire. Stealing them from the gods and sharing them with the less acquired.
"Well then, I'd better get going. See you later." He headed off past me and I turned around to watch him make his leave. He really knows how to dress a la mode.

I digress.

* * *

"Mr. Dupont, you said you wanted to see me?" I asked with a hint of what-could-it-be-this-time in my voice.
He swiveled in his chair and lifted his head from a a book like a whale comes out of the sea: quite gracefully... "Ah yes, Elie, I've been meaning to talk with you." He pulled off his reading glasses and stood up quite deliberately like he was about to say something significant, like he was about to object to a wedding.
"Oh..." I sort of sighed with nervous anticipation, that of someone reeling in what he thought was a fish, except this time I was being reeled in. Maybe I'll have to improve my analogies, for the sake of my seldom reader.
"Maybe I'm losing my touch with age, but it seems to me that you've been acting strange lately. Is there something going on that I should know about? You can tell me anything."
I paused in my head when he said strange, like a deer in the headlights.
"Elie..."
I quickly jerked my head up blinking rapidly like someone coming up for air after drowning in their... thoughts, "Oh, um... There's nothing you need to worry about Monsieur, if something were 'going on' I would of told you by now." I kind of gave him a cheesy smile and turned around to leave.
"Wait, you've got red on you."
I turned my head sideways in search of this mysterious red matter that Dupont had detected. My head sunk in defeat: ketchup. I nodded at him in thanks and departed.


February 5th, 2010

"If you like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain." That was my purely platonic girlfriend, Stephanie, singing as she dance-walked down the aisle. She just arrived to work. I peeked over the prehistoric computer monitor and giggled.
"Good morning Steph. I see your perkier than ever on this fabulous day."
She glanced at me, leaned in on her desk, and with a silly smile and twinkle in her eyes, "If you like making love at midnight!"
I threw my head back with laughter and started to go through the to-do list I made the night before.
"Splendid morning, Elie. What's first on that list of yours?"
I focused in on the note left after "1." and squinted my eyes with disbelief.
"Take Stephanie to the corner cafe for lunch."
Now it was her turn to throw her head back and laugh.
"Sure, I'd love to go, Eli.. pahaha!"
I gave her my classic get-real look but then smiled and said, "It's a date!"

Just then Monsieur Dupont strolled by and said with the typical sight of us giggling, "Morning you two..."
Stephanie was the first to reply, "Oh, wonderful morning Monsieur!"
"Yes, wonderful!" I added with a smirk.

Today was turning out to be carefree and... fun.

* * *


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Note to Reader

I am new to this site and have yet to learn the ins and outs. I will use this space to adress anything I feel necessary.

Can anyone explain to me why my piece is so gapped? Is there a way to fix or do you prefer it that way?

The story plot as a whole left me a little confused, but that might just be me, so don't take it too seriously. Just something to consider...

I loved the phrase:

I asked with a hint of what-could-it-be-this-time in my voice.

I couldn't even tell you why I like it so much. Maybe long hyphenated adjectives make me laugh. (in a good way of course. I liked it!)

I think that you could have eliminated the very first February 3rd entry. It might be more effective if you took the relevant information (like his name, that it's a journal, and that it's very close to his heart as you say) and revealed it throughout the story. For example, someone calls his name, so we learn that about him, or he writes his deepest feelings, so the reader knows that the journal serves that purpose as well.

As a reader, I had a metaphor-overload in February 4th. Metaphors are good things, and you had some great metaphors in there. However, too many metaphors make this passage vague and confusing. I'd advise adding something concrete to this entry, so the reader can get a better idea of what all this means. Or else, leave it metaphorical, mysterious, and vague, but make it shorter. Cut some of it down, and you'll have the effect without losing your reader.

I did notice a theme of references to mythology and gods, and I did like how that carried through the story.

Lastly, as the format of a journal goes, I wasn't sure that dialogue totally fit in. I for one don't record basic conversations in my diary. Maybe I'd write what someone said, and how I felt, without the actual quotations. On the other hand, maybe that's just how Elie rolls, and there's nothing wrong with that either. Just something to think about.

Good writing, good vocabulary, good start. It definitely sounds like you've set it up for more entries.

nickelodeon wrote:The story plot as a whole left me a little confused, but that might just be me, so don't take it too seriously. Just something to consider...

Yeah I was worried about that but I'm hoping it reveals itself as it goes. I intentionally started in the thick of it.
I tried to alleviate some of it with the extra details in the first entry.

I loved the phrase:

I asked with a hint of what-could-it-be-this-time in my voice.

I couldn't even tell you why I like it so much. Maybe long hyphenated adjectives make me laugh. (in a good way of course. I liked it!)

I know what you mean! I like it too, but don't know why! Hehe.

I think that you could have eliminated the very first February 3rd entry. It might be more effective if you took the relevant information (like his name, that it's a journal, and that it's very close to his heart as you say) and revealed it throughout the story. For example, someone calls his name, so we learn that about him, or he writes his deepest feelings, so the reader knows that the journal serves that purpose as well.

As a reader, I had a metaphor-overload in February 4th. Metaphors are good things, and you had some great metaphors in there. However, too many metaphors make this passage vague and confusing. I'd advise adding something concrete to this entry, so the reader can get a better idea of what all this means. Or else, leave it metaphorical, mysterious, and vague, but make it shorter. Cut some of it down, and you'll have the effect without losing your reader.

I did notice a theme of references to mythology and gods, and I did like how that carried through the story.

Yeah, I took Latin for two years and so it's all in my reserve of knowledge. I think Greek/Roman culture is suitable for the piece and complements it well. I'm biased though.

Lastly, as the format of a journal goes, I wasn't sure that dialogue totally fit in. I for one don't record basic conversations in my diary. Maybe I'd write what someone said, and how I felt, without the actual quotations. On the other hand, maybe that's just how Elie rolls, and there's nothing wrong with that either. Just something to think about.

Format! Well to answer that I should tell you that the format is inspired by Elegance of the Hedgehog in which the main characters have journals but write them like a first-person narrative. The only difference is I wanted to stay more journalistic by adding entry dates.

Good writing, good vocabulary, good start. It definitely sounds like you've set it up for more entries.

Thanks for reading and giving feedback!