Monster - part 4

Okay, here's part four! All reviews are very appreciated, especially ones that tear it apart. Thanks!
To get caught up, here's
Part 1 - viewtopic.php?t=56946
Part 2 - viewtopic.php?t=57175
Part 3 - viewtopic.php?t=57507

*Rated 16 for violence and some language

Monster, part four

Flashback, continued

The thing had bent over, resting on all fours like an animal, and seemed to choke. Its mouth opened wide, and in the faint light of the now dying flashlight, our hero saw something that looked like a white worm fall with a splat onto the ground. It was about the thickness of a man’s finger, grotesquely writhing around.

As the monster picked the worm up, our hero suddenly realized that he was in a very bad spot. He quietly, slowly, started to stand. Suddenly, the monster turned its head towards him and he froze as it stayed looking at him.

With a soft growl, it had advanced closer, and our hero had shot it with his already cocked gun. The bullets tore clear through the creature’s skin, puncturing it and causing a black liquid to gush forth. A scream left the monster, and our hero watched in satisfaction as it staggered back. He kept emptying his bullets into the monster’s head until it was finally shot beyond recognition.

As soon as the thing was dead, our hero had fallen to the ground, unconscious.

When he later awoke and remembered where he was, he glanced around the cavern. There were the remains of the monster and the human that it had burst from. The wormlike creature was nowhere to be seen, but he wasn’t going to take any chances. Staggering out of the cave, he worked laboriously until the entrance was covered with the heaviest boulders he could find. Then he had returned on shaky limbs to his home, wondering whether it had all been a dream.

~~~~~

As he reflected on the incident now, he was sure it had been something like that creature—perhaps the worm—that had been causing the murders now. And it was up to him to stop it. No one would believe his tale about some alien or other that was roaming the woods. He would probably be locked up in an asylum.

“It’s just up to me,” he murmured, and fell asleep.

When morning dawned, he was already up and preparing for the encounter. He would find this thing somehow; he knew all the haunts of the forest where it could be hiding, and he would search until he found and exterminated it.

His stomach roiled in anticipation.

“Keep a grip,” he told himself firmly. “It’s no use being a nervous mess.” He trekked out, armed with an assortment of guns and knives.

He went where he had found the first victim, a young woman with the same hole in her head and the brain missing. All that was left of her body was the dirt-streaked skeleton. He roved around the clearing, trying to ignore the jumbled feeling in his stomach. It was getting worse as the suspense for him increased. There were no recent marks from the creature, so he moved on to the next spot, where the hiker had been found.

“Damn nerves!” he spat. He wasn’t thinking clearly; he felt distracted and every motion was jerky. Shaking his head, he stomped on.

The spot was close to a well-used trail. There wouldn’t be many people here now, at this time of year. Again, there were no recent marks of anything other than the usual wildlife being here.

Something appeared on the ground, close to our hero’s feet. He looked down and frowned. A spot of blood. It looked as if it had fallen just now. With a sinking feeling in his stomach, he slowly raised his eyes upwards.

He scanned the trees, watching for any movement. There was nothing; no blood from the tree branches, no dead body hanging from above, and no creature leering over him, blood dripping from its fangs.

He frowned and looked back down at the ground. A startled expletive left his lips. There was another spot of blood now, next to the first one. It hadn’t been there before.

“Is the stuff rising from the ground?” he muttered hoarsely. His throat was so dry he could barely speak. Another spot appeared, and his foggy mind suddenly comprehended where it was coming from.

“Shit.”

That feeling inside of him; that wasn’t just nerves. It was one of those. A monster.

Oh come on! Really?! You had to make him have one of those things in him?? That T-totally sucks. I'm really very angry now. Not really. It's actually a fascinating plot twist. I mean, who knew? But seriously, I really don't want him to die. Okay enough of my crazy rambling. Time to see if I can find something to actually critique.
Alright I hate to even write this because I do it all the time.

Its mouth opened wide, and in the faint light of the now dying flashlight, our hero saw something that looked like a white worm, with about the thickness of a man’s finger, fall from the mouth and splat, writhing, on the ground.

But that is a pretty major run on. Don't worry I know how easy it is to hit that pesky comma button.

As the monster picked the worm up, he suddenly realized that he was in a very bad spot

The monster or 'our hero'? I'm sure I can figure it out but...you might try something like- As the monster picked the worm up, the man suddenly realized that he was in a very bad spot.- I don't know just my opinion trash it if it sounds stupid to you.

He kept emptying his bullets into the monster’s head until it finally was shot beyond recognition.

I think maybe was is in the wrong place? I think it would sound better before finally.

He himself would probably be locked up in an asylum.

Do you need the word himself in that sentence? It doesn't sound wrong but it sounds better to me without it.

he slowly raised his eyes upwards.

OMG! Thank you so much. Finally someone has some sense. I get so tired of those freaking movies and books where blood is dripping down and no-one looks up? Who doesn't look up?? Sorry ranting again. Moving on.

A startled expletive left his lips.

Nice word, expletive. I did not have to look that up. Really I didn't...


All in all another amazing job. Keep it up.
Keira

The thing had bent over, resting on all fours like an animal, and seemed to choke. Its mouth opened wide, and in the faint light of the now dying flashlight, our hero saw something that looked like a white worm fall with a splat onto the ground. It was about the thickness of a man’s finger, grotesquely writhing around.

I love this. But, there heaps of different tenses. I didn't highlight all of them.

As the monster picked the worm up, our hero suddenly realized that he was in a very bad spot. He quietly, slowly, started to stand.

#FF0000 ">Suddenly, the monster turned its head towards him and he froze as it stayed looking at him.

Moved down to another line.

With a soft growl, it had advanced closer, and our hero had shot it with his already cocked gun. The bullets tore clear through the creature’s skin, puncturing it and causing a black liquid to gush forth. A scream left the monster, and our hero watched in satisfaction as it staggered back. He kept emptying his bullets into the monster’s head until it was finally shot beyond recognition.

My gosh, I'm trying to figure out if this is really a flashback. Maybe it will do you good if you make the entire thing in present tense? Flashback or not.

As soon as the thing was dead, our hero had fallen to the ground, unconscious.

"fell" The various tenses are quite maddening. (You did ask to have this torn apart right?)


~~~~~

As he reflected on the incident now, he was sure it had been something like that creature—perhaps the worm—that had been causing the murders now. And it was up to him to stop it. No one would believe his tale about some alien or other that was roaming the woods. He would probably be locked up in an asylum.

Did you mean "was"

He went where he had found the first victim, a young woman with the same hole in her head and the brain missing. All that #FF0000 ">had been left of her body was the dirt-streaked skeleton.

He roved around the clearing, trying to ignore the jumbled feeling in his stomach. It was getting worse as the suspense #FF0000 ">escalated within him. There were no recent marks from the creature, so he moved on to the next spot, where the hiker had been found.

Slightly edited in my insane manner. *Throws head back and laughs like a madman*

The spot was close to a well-used trail. There wouldn’t be many people here now, at this time of year. Again, there were no recent marks of anything other than the usual wildlife #FF0000 ">that lived here.

Last view words were tweaked by me.

Something appeared on the ground, close to our hero’s feet. He looked down and frowned. A spot of blood. It looked as if it had fallen just now. With a sinking feeling in his stomach, he slowly raised his eyes upwards.

What! He "frowned" Just how in the world can someone frown upon seeing blood on the ground? Perhaps he, "cringed" or any other related word of revolt.

He frowned and looked back down at the ground. A startled expletive left his lips. There was another spot of blood now, next to the first one. It hadn’t been there before.

He frowned again!

That feeling inside of him; that wasn’t just nerves. It was one of those. A monster.

Hehe, our hero is a dead man.

Overall:

*Goes to last piece*