I shivered involuntarily as the lights turned off one by one. Standing outside his apartment in the rain, I knew he would be happy. But that thought didn’t keep tears from mingling with the raindrops on my cheeks. Finally, the sound of his absent minded guitar plucking ceased and the light in his room flicked out, sending the outside street into darkness. I began to notice the chill spreading throughout my body and turned to leave, silently thanking him for the unbelievable happiness of the last few months.
Those months had been amazing, like my wildest cliché fantasies but ending it had been the right thing for both of us. I knew that the feelings we’d had for each other had been ripped away from us and thrown back, in a heap of confusion. We’d attempted to untangle the heap through arguments and jealousy-seeking actions. In the end, though, we knew it was in vain. We had something, something that couldn’t be ignored and had no reason to be ignored. He was everything I’d dreamed about and more. It was the more that had caught me off guard. It had been something I couldn’t control and so I separated myself from it.
If I were perfectly honest with myself, I’d been worried about him, unsure where we stood after our shaky separation and afraid that I’d never be able to laugh with him again. I had been afraid. Something had changed, though, after seeing him here tonight. There was a forgiveness that had had to take place within myself before I could accept that there was no We anymore. And yet, because We had once been, a small part of me knew that We would always be.
I walked slowly, meandering towards a streetlight that was directing raindrops onto the ground. I watched the drizzle splashing against itself and the brick sidewalk. Those drops, I knew were making the light murmur that a light rainstorm beheld the ears. But as I thought, one droplet alone couldn’t make that sound. It was a collective symphony, a calming orchestra.
I knew that these droplets together were like the experiences that make up our lives. One alone, doesn’t make sense, is barely heard and cannot make a significant enough noise to influence the path a single person takes through life. But, when these droplets, these experiences and decisions are combined, they create something beautiful that allows flowers and crops to grow, sidewalks to be washed clean and lives to be Lived.
I couldn’t go on pretending that we hadn’t cared. I couldn’t lie to myself anymore.
He didn’t need me.
He was happy alone.
And so was I, finally.
