The Riders - Prologue (Re-Draft)

Ok, so I took your advice and worked with it and here is the result Thanks to everyone who commented before, I would appreciate any further improvements.


Prologue:

I crouched on the floor, examining the tracks. They were fresh, which meant the horses had passed through here not that long ago. I froze and looked cautiously around me but nothing moved except the trees which gently swayed and a small bird which chirruped as it flew up into the canopy. I fell silent, breathing quietly, trying to hear them. I was about to give up, when I heard a whinny a little way ahead. I smiled; I would pass the final test in my training with flying colours if I completed this today.

I had been tracking them for three days now and I was making record time. I already knew the horse I would choose when I finally caught up with them. She was a beautiful chestnut horse with a long mane and honey coloured eyes. I had fallen in love with her the moment I glimpsed her. It was on my first attempt at getting close to them. I had seen her through a gap in the trees, before the lead stallion had detected my movement and the herd had bolted. I knew that our bond would be strong. I crept forward, my hand close to my bow, preparing to draw it. I would be more careful this time and try not to make a sound. What I had to do was horrible, but it was the most effective way of forming a bond with your steed.

I came to a clump of bushes, behind which I could hear the lapping of water being drunk and the snorts of disgruntled horses. I peered through cautiously, spotting my target. The horses were grazing in a clearing with the chestnut near the edge of the group. It was lucky, but I couldn’t rely on luck to get me through this. I skirted the group quietly, keeping out of sight until I was level with my horse. I drew back my bowstring and took aim; I had to hit the correct spot or she would bolt and I would have to spend more time tracking them down. I released the arrow and it hit her, squarely in her flank. She whinnied pitifully and I felt so bad. The rest of the herd bolted in terror whinnying, she attempted to follow them and she got a little way into the trees before she crumpled. I dodged back the way I had come to the clump of bushes. I edged forward from this direction so it appeared that I had not shot the arrow. I crept up to my steed and looked into her eyes. I felt the familiar burning which accompanied the use of magic behind my eyes. She lay down, obeying my command. I gently pulled out the arrow head and held my hands over the wound, they glowed blue and the cut began to heal. I whispered comforting words to her. She tried to stand but I held her down with a strong grip. The wound soon closed. She stood up and backed away from me. I stayed at floor level reaching out a hand slowly to push myself up. I edged closer to her, she was afraid of me, and I knew that this would be the hardest part of my entire training. I got closer and moved to her side, I gently rested a hand on her back. She whinnied and reared, sending me to the floor. She dashed towards the other side of the clearing. I cursed myself for being so foolish. I followed her at a slow pace reaching out my hand to her and speaking comforting words. She looked wildly around for her herd but she soon realised that she was on her own. She snorted backing away from me again. I came closer still, my hand still raised, trying to convince her that it was alright. She seemed to start to trust that I wasn’t her enemy because she stopped backing away. I edged ever closer, I was almost within touching distance of her when I stopped, waiting for her to come to me this time. She moved forward a little, sniffing my hand, she nudged me with her muzzle and snorted. I laughed lightly, she had character. Once she had finished sniffing me, she placed her head my outstretched hand, showing her acceptance of me. I stroked her muzzle, pleased with myself. I wondered whether she would let me ride her. I moved to her side and gently placed my hands on her, she didn’t move. I took it as acceptance and I pulled myself up onto her back, being careful not to hurt her. She brayed and bucked me off sending me sprawling to the floor. I wiped the blood from my bloody lip and moved to her side again. I pulled myself onto her back carefully preparing for her to kick me off. When she didn’t I took hold of her mane to allow me to guide her. I stroked the side of her neck with one hand, and thought for a while, trying to think of a suitable name for her. After a few minutes I leant forward and whispered in her ear.
“Thank you, Keita.” She snorted in what I hoped was approval of her name. I smiled and kicked her gently in the sides. She whinnied, setting off at a canter back through the dense forest towards our camp in the valley. The camp of the Riders.

Hey there! First off, your details and descriptions were much better. I could picture things more clearly, and it gives the reader more of a sense that you know about horses.

Lydia1995 wrote:I crept forward, my bow drawn;

She has to be exerting a certain amount of weight to draw the bow back, and creeping along isn't the easiest position when you're drawing the bowstring. So I think you could say something like, "my bow ready to be drawn."


Another thing, your second paragraph is very long and thick; I think there are several parts where you could break it up and make it easier on the reader's eyes. Also, a few of your sentences sound rushed and hurried; if you were reading it aloud, you'd have to take a big breath to be able to say it all without breaking for a pause, and that's not what you want. I like how you've added more to the bonding, it makes it a more believable process.


Please PM me when you post more!

Hi again Lydia!

This is much improved and I enjoy it just as much as the first draft. I'm glad you added a bit more in there about the horses. It makes it a whole lot more realistic But of course, I have a nitpick or two. Not many.

I had fallen in love with her the moment I glimpsed her.

This sentence sounds rather awkward. I would try to reword it to something that flows better.

The paragraphs are rather large and blocky. I agree with Ranger when she says you should split them up. They'll be less intimidating to potential readers.

Once she had finished investigating my pockets for food,

She's a wild horse, so therefore she would have no knowledge of humans carrying treats in their pockets. However, you could just change that around to say the mare finished getting a good smell of her newfound friend.

~~~~~

You used plenty of description, bringing the forest more to life. Also, you've intrigued your reader by stating that bonding with a wild horse is part of the final test. Now you have us wondering "final test for what?" Which is good for it insures we'll be back to read chapter one.

That's it for now. If you have any questions, feel free to PM me!

Cheers,

Meadow

Hi Lydia,
I really like it. It was very descriptive and it made me feel like I was part of the story because of it.
I can't see anything wrong with it so I'm not going to nit-pick.
PM me when you post more and I'll review it for you.
Thanks
Midnightread

Hey Lydia!

Well, I have to say that this was god, well written, I didn't read the unedited post so I can't really see the changes and improvements but I can see that this was good.
I liked your description, your description of the surroundings , of the mere, of your actions. I liked your pace too because it was easy to follow and not too overloaded with information. But, as the reviewer above said, your third paragraph is way too long and there are parts in which you could have broke it so that the reader feels more comfortable with it and becomes more understandable.
Mos of the story was good but I felt that your character still needs improvement. In your third paragraph you only talked about her actions, and what the steed did, but not much development of the character's traits, habits, moods, try to improve that,ok?

And also I noticed that in your third paragraph most of your sentences began with I or she, that makes the story boring and monotonous so try to begin your sentences with something a little bit more catchy.

So that's all
Hope I helped
Pudin

Very well written and i enjoyed reading it, not too many mistakes i saw.
I whispered comforting words to her. She tried to stand but I held her down with a strong grip.
Maybe you should write what she said to the horse.
She moved forward a little, sniffing my hand, she nudged my with her muzzle and snorted.
she nudged me with her muzzle and snorted.