The Unthinkable

It was last night. That horrible evening that I will never forget. Its claws scar my memory, and I shall always remember the terror that I felt.

My intentions of going out into the still, peaceful darkness were perfectly normal. One pack of cigarettes awaited me in the front seat of my blue lexis, my apartment less than a football field away from my car.

Easy.

I walked. Not really afraid, cause only scary stuff happens to people in movies, and whack jobs on the news, right? Just to be safe though, I quickened my pace.

The chapped autumn air bit my cheek as i let my fingers search for the keys. I jumped in my car for a moment to escape the cold and find my smokes. Pulling one out of the packet, I lit it up and sucked in the fuel my lungs were craving. Such a dirty habit, I blew another ribbon of smoke into the air. The darkness glared at me through the window.

Enticing me.

Should probably go, I reminded myself, scooping up my pack off the dashboard. Still holding the half-lit cigarette between my lips, I locked my car up and charted off towards my door. And as I hit the shadow of the building I heard someone. A firm yet unsure voice met my ears, "Hey." I spun around just after stepping onto the sidewalk.

"Got an extra smoke?" his dark eyes looked me up and down as though he were sizing up a piece of meat at the grocery store. I felt almost naked before him. "Umm, sure," I handed it to him, just for the hope that he'd leave me alone. My instincts told me to leave after he borrowed my lighter, but that's when his eyes began to light up.

"Keep talking to me," he ordered, pulling his right hand into the dim light just a bit. A gun was constricted by his fingers.

"Oh my G-"

"Shut up," he whispered, "smile and walk with me." Terrified, I obeyed. We walked, smiling and talking further into the shadows and rounded the building. That's when he shoved me.

I fell onto the cold pavement, my heart about to beat right out of my chest. "Be still," he growled in a whisper, "you so much as yelp and I’ll blow your brains out." I couldn't manage a response. This was all too real. His hands felt around my waist, and they unbuttoned my jeans and pulled them below my knees.

I wanted to scream.

Another stranger was holding my wrists to the ground. Where did he come from? My body began to shake as he stripped me of my underwear. A cold hand reached up my shirt and pulled down my bra.

Please... No.

Then in an instant I felt him. He was inside me. This stranger whom I'd never met had stolen my virginity. The virginity that caused me so much ridicule and torture through my early high school years. I was almost graduated, almost free, and now my efforts were stolen from me in one night... One instant.

The second man let his other hand work up my neck and on to my face. The first offender continued to pleasure himself with my helplessness. I closed my eyes as these monsters raped me.

I cried silently as they finished. My only prayer was that they didn't shoot me when They were satisfied. The two didn't bother to return me as I was before, they only left me exposed, cold, and alone.

In shock I lay there shaking for a few moments, unable to move. My eyes told me they were gone, but they were deceived. The last thing my weary vision enclosed, was that of a silver blade piercing into my chest and the words of a madman laughing in my ear.

"Goodnight, bitch."


~~~~~~~~~~


Just a little something I felt the impulse to put down last night. Let me know what you think...

~Voice

Hai!

I didn't like this that much, but that's because of the subject, not your writing. However, it is kind of that. Rape is such a terrible thing -- it's like the one thing that still manages to really 'shock' in our society -- so you need to handle it well or not at all.

A lot of this was telling and not showing. There was little emotion.

I wanted to scream.

I closed my eyes as these monsters raped me.

I cried silently as they finished. My only prayer was that they didn't shoot me when They were satisfied. The two didn't bother to return me as I was before, they only left me exposed, cold, and alone.

It's too bland. You're telling the reader that the character is exposed, cold and alone, but you don't shown anything. There's no imagery that makes us think. I once read a Red Eye fanfiction that had rape in, and what it made it different was that the woman (Lisa -- I don't know whether you've seen that film?) had an orgasm when she was raped. That, I think, made it all the worse; as though she were enjoying it. Even though her mind was shutting down from what was happening, her body still responded. Rape victims suffer from fear, but also shame, and there wasn't a lot of that in your writing.

I started to read Lucky by Alice Sebold (who wrote The Lovely Bones) but had to stop because the way she described the way that she was raped. Read that, and research the psychological effects on rape. I know you're dealing with the actual event itself and not the aftermath, but your character does think on what's happened, so I'd still try to make it as realistic as possible.

Your writing style itself was very good and smooth, and I liked the way that, even in the opening narrative, you introduced foreboding -- mentioning the distance of her car from her apartment, and the darkness "glaring" at her, and the wind "biting [her] cheek". Add in more emotion and subtlety, and this'll be very good.

I think the story was a bit cut-and-dry. (This is where I went. This is who I saw. This is what happened.)

I think, especially given the topic you've chosen, that you should try putting more emotion into it, and help the reader feel the terror, helplessness, suffering, etc that the character is experiencing. Obviously, this a situation in which emotions and feelings would be quite strong, so try to explore that in your story.

Also, this might just be my personal opinion, but it's something to think about regardless:
I didn't care for the comment made early in the story

Not really afraid, cause only scary stuff happens to people in movies, and whack jobs on the news, right? Just to be safe though, I quickened my pace.

I thought this foreshadowing was a bit too strong, and gave away the rest of the story. I knew something bad was going to happen to her. I agree with the last technique, that the more subtle foreshadowing is a better way to go.

Nice piece on the whole. Just a few things to consider
=)

Hello, Loveless here on her cell to say:
*Writing*

I somewhat agree with the other two lovely writers that posted before me. You don't use much imagery, and always say I did this and I did that. For example, on the part where you were explaning how she closed her eyes, typing something like," My view slowly faded away, replaced by only the feel of these two strange men having their way with me," or something like that. Now that I think about it, if her view was fading away it would give the reader the impression that she was about to die. Oh well, you get what I'm trying to say. Don't you?

*Grammer*

You ofter forget apostrophes -I probably butched that word. My apologies.- and to capatalize your I's. Though you only forgot those things maybe once or twice, I still felt the need to point them out to you.
*Sort of helpful randomness*

Up until the part where you mentioned the bra I though the MC was a male. I suppose that's why I, in a way, gasped when the man went for the pants. Haha, silly me.
This was sort of dry. 'Ya know, clean cut. Bland. Boring. Lacking in- well you get it. I am not saying it was a bad story, but you must put more "umph" into it if you want to keep your readers interested.
If you spice this up a bit, add more description, give the letter "I" a rest, and use correct grammar, this could be worth wild.
*Conclusion*

'Tis all my dear. I thank you for your time. Though I am not saying you must take my advice -as well as the other reviewers- I though it might work in your favor if you did. Pip pip, cherrio! -Yes, today is talk like a British person day. A Loveless holiday.- I hope to hear from you again.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
Summer "Loveless" Night

Thank you all for your amazing reviews. I really appreciated each and every one. I'm not going to give excuses for my piece and say that it was a mistake, because I truly believe it's not (even if I wrote it on a whim ). I can't wait to edit it and polish her up Thanks again!

~Voice

I totally disagree with the other critics, I loved this. You should continue writing this. I just want to point out a few things.

One pack of cigarettes awaited me in the front seat of my blue lexis, my apartment less than a football field away from my car.  

I'm pretty sure you spelled Lexus wrong, but I'm not sure so consider looking up the correct spelling, or just simply look at the car. And it should be capitalized also.

Not really afraid, cause only scary stuff happens to people in movies, and whack jobs on the news, right? 

since you said "'cause", there should be an apostrophe before the "c" because 'cause is a shortenage of because.

The chapped autumn air bit my cheek as i let my fingers search for the keys.

I should be capitalized.

And as I hit the shadow of the building I heard someone.

It would sound more suspicious(man that's a hard word to spell!) if you put a comma after building.

Then in an instant I felt him.

After 'instant' put a comma.

The two didn't bother to return me as I was before, they only left me exposed, cold, and alone.  

after before instead of a comma, put a period and make the second part of the sentence it's own.
Overall, this was very good. You have a great imagination.