why did you have to go?? why did you have to leave me feeling so low... the more I thought about you,the more it hurt me... still,I longed for the moment when you would see... that how I loved you with all my might, and then one day...all my dreams seemed to be out of sight. the feeling of betrayal is killing me inside, why did you leave me with the tears I couldn't hide? it's because of you i can not feel anything more.. it feels like I am standing alone on the shore... you turned out to be totally different from what I thought you'd be, you left the girl feeling bad about herself,who was always filled with glee. I really don't care about whatever you do now the problem is mine and i'll move on somehow... i am happy being alone, you made my heart turn into stone. i knew love wasn't meant for me... i've become so numb...can't you see?
Hey! I'll be brief, too. First! You need to fix your capitalization and punctuation. Next! Your rhyming wasn't very good. It sounds like you just really needed rhyming words, and based your poem off of those, not off of a deeper meaning or whatever. Keep working on this, it shows promise! --Dreamy115
So, hi there. Nice to meet you I won't be as brief as the others--I'm barely short on time. I have eons. Not literally. First off, your capitalizing and punctuation needs a lot more than a little work. Seriously. And all those '...', they don't do much for you. Remove them. Okay, I'm going to be honest with you. Your rhyming was as terrible as...well, you get the point. It was terrible; everything sounded like you just put it there to rhyme, and poems aren't always about rhyming. We want to feel, see, etc. You do not always need to rhyme, and in your case it was quite annoying because you did it poorly just to get it TO rhyme. Now: what I think is this has a definite beat to it. I can really picture parts of this being a phenomenal song, rather than a poem. I was singing it out loud, actually, as I read it. Or, in a whisper. I do think with editing this will be a good poem, but it could be a wonderful song. Really. Well, I'm off to review. Tata, and PM me with any questions. I'll answer as soon as I can. -Mizz
"Chase your dreams, and remember me, speak bravery, Because after all, those wings will take you up so high." -- Owl City, "To the Sky" ✯ ✯ ✯
Okay, so I just woke up so if I am mean I am so sorry. First of all, when doing poetry the first letter of each line must be capitalized. Also, I have the same problem of not capitalizing and I when it is by itself. Remember on what Mizzle said, Poetry is not all about the rhymes and riddles. It has to make you feel something.
Ellipses are disastrous and they're just as disastrous here. Never, ever use them in poetry. This just tells me that you can't convey the tone so you have to punctuate the poem to force me to dwell on effects that aren't there. Fix this up and it'll improve.
Hello, there! Welcome to the magical lands of YWS (we're all out of unicorns, though).
Seems as if you've already got a bit of criticism here. I'll keep mine brief, too, because short and sweet's the way to go.
I can't say that I like this poem for various reasons, but the main reason would be that romantic poems -- whether it be the falling in love, being in love, falling out of love, or the aftermath of it carry a far too common pattern and generally come off as cliche/uninteresting. I think you should take your time when you write about love, dearie, and try to make it sound as original as it may feel to you.
Moreover! Don't ask so many questions in poetry, dear. It's okay to ask a question or two, but hypothetical ones, and ones that we can't answer/aren't answered by the poem hold the poem back, and don't really do any thing of benefit for us.
SO, I think you should rewrite this! Keep the same message -- try not to blame so much with the "you" message, and eliminate questions, add more poetic description and make this fly.
Thumbs up, June
"I'd steal somebody's purse if I could google it and then download it." -- Firestarter
