The Fallen Apple

The Fallen Apple

The Apple drops high from a tree, what words are said can truly not be.

The truth I hear is truly real, but I only hope I'll be saved by the hill.

Yet the hill comes up and I roll down, right into the river I'll most likely drown.

The water is cold and I bob to the surface, breaking the layer of water with merciless dare.

Here I am floating along, and I only wish I could sing a song.

But yet i can't because I have no mouth, because here I am floating down south.

A hand reaches in and pulls me out, forever I will remember without a doubt.

He pick me up and sets me there, looking at me with true flair.

A tray of paints and an easel is set, now he's ready to make a bet.

They place their bets and I'm fair game, although I have never felt pain.

Cutting me open and peeling my skin, sweet juicy fruit is held within.

Splitting me up into eight little pieces they take the seeds and plant them high, with the sun and water I never die.

Soon my appearance changes into a tree, bigger and bigger I steadily flee.

The leaves on my branches fall to the ground.

The snow starts falling and winter comes around.

Next spring shows its bright colors.

The flowers blossom and the sun comes out.

My branches are heavy and the apples turn red.

The mood quickly changes into anything but dread.

Children come up and take one of my apples.

But soon they stop, because instead they eat grapples.

The apple drops high from a tree, I once was an apple but now I'm a tree.

Copyright 2010- Property of Akorn

Hello! I'm Lydia and I will be your reviewer today.

Ok so to start with I noticed that you haven't done any reviews, try to review more peoples work and then you will get more reviews in turn. Now onto the review...

I think that you should split some of your longer lines down, because this would make the overall poem flow much better. For example

snickerdooly wrote:The Fallen Apple

The Apple drops high from a tree,
what words are said can truly not be.
The truth I hear is truly real,
but I only hope I'll be saved by the hill.
Yet the hill comes up and I roll down,
right into the river I'll most likely drown.

Splitting me up into eight little pieces,
they take the seeds and plant them high,
with the sun and water I never die.

I think that this line is so long you can afford to split into three, like I did above. I also thought with this sentence, they plant the seeds up high? Surely they plant them in the ground?

Soon my appearance changes into a tree, bigger and bigger I steadily flee.

This line is too long as well, break it down the middle and change 'my appearance changes' into something like 'I mature' or 'I grow'

He pick me up and sets me there, looking at me with true flair.

I think you mean 'picks'

You also said a couple of things like,

I will most likely drown

Apples cannot drown, just something to note there.

Ok I think this is it really, that I picked up. Your rhymes seemed a little forced, but I don't think I mided much because the content was lovely, it just needed a few tweaks here and there. Well Done!

Keep Writing
~Lydia

I just want to say that I love this. You should feel honored, because I never say that I love poems. haha

I love how original this is! Telling the weird story of an apple, well I like it. I like how I actually felt bad for it as it was eaten at the end.

I think you should get inside the apples head a bit. What does it feel about being eaten? Is it sad, or happy? Does it think that is what it was made to do? Just some things to think about.

Classy

Oh! You're the apple!You might want to clarify that. I was confused. Actually, the whole thing was pretty confusing. You might want to do some re-writing, because It's not all that great, currently. However, it shows potential. Work on it! And welcome to YWS!

--Dreamy115

Thanks guys. this is to captain classy, I never wrote the apple as being eaten I wrote it as like going through different stages. I'm re writing it so it makes more sense but I'm keeping the stuff about where it drowns because I'm trying to give the apple characterization. Thanks for the advice!

Hello! I like your concept, but some parts of your poem don't really make sense. I don't know what the first two lines mean, and I think you only said some things so that the poem would rhyme. You might want to try writing about the same thing, and not making it rhyme at all. Play about with different styles and have fun with it. And remember, if a poem only has three good lines, it should only be three lines long. If something doesn't need to be said, or doesn't add anything to the poem, then don't say it. Play around with different ways of saying what you want to say, because it's a very original idea.

Hey there!

I see you've mentioned you're making edits on clarifying the conveyed message, so I guess I don't need to say anything there. XD But if you were wondering I found it interesting and because I'm a sucker for mystery it was in a sense, captivating. However, I did come out a little bewildered so that's probably not the most pleasing of reactions.

I think I need to agree with classy that it's original but perhaps original enough to make it weird. In a way this is good, but to some readers it may be off putting. I see it as a giant enducing metaphor. It's brilliant.

What I will mention is your punctuation. Especially here:

The leaves on my branches fall to the ground.
The snow starts falling and winter comes around.
Next spring shows its bright colors.
The flowers blossom and the sun comes out.
My branches are heavy and the apples turn red.
The mood quickly changes into anything but dread.
Children come up and take one of my apples.

Not only are the sentences a little long ~ note the improvements Lydia mentioned ~ but there's no varied punctuation. They're just blunt sentences. I want commas, semi-colons, questions, exclamation marks. You know? I don't think making it cheesy and overdone is an option either, but I feel that the poem's lacking potential because it is so blunt. I think if you replace a few fullstops/periods, it'll look alot better.

keep it up,
Ben