Young Writers Society

the eyes of a loved one
their touch lingering on your lips
as cool as a breath of morning dew;
the comfort of a mother
wrapped in color and ribbons
as gentle as a brush of feathers across skin.
the turn of a page
crinkling with discovery, wrinkled
marked now with your fingerprints

-
if you try to tame the wind
you’ll be blown away
if you kneel down, take my hand
I’ll take you to another place
-

discovery in every corner unexplored
inspiration in every garden unpursued.
dreams caught and kept, trapped...
release those lovely, lock this dread away;
words dance on my eyes, circle my lips;
i listen as nature calls,
belief in every daylight song bird.

StarDuster wrote:the eyes of a loved one
their touch lingering on your lips It seems as if you're saying the eyes' touch is lingering on the lips.
as cool as a breath of morning dew
the comfort of a mother
wrapped in color and ribbons This line doesn't really fit in with the rest
as gentler as a brush of feathers across skin Gentler? That word doesn't work, it should just say gentle
the turn of a page
crinkling with discover, wrinkled Crinkling with discover? That doesn't make sense here
marked now with your distinctive fingerprints Distinctive fingerprints is redundant, and messes with the fow


if you try to tame the wind
you’ll be blown away
if you kneel down, take my hand
I’ll take you to another place


discovery in every corner unexplored
inspiration in every garden unpursued
dreams caught and kept, trapped
release those lovely, lock this dread away This really doesn't fit together, it's a good line but it doesn't make sense.
words dance on my eyes, circle my lips
belief in every day light song bird Every day light song bird... What? I have no clue what this means

First off, hi, I'm litehawk and I'll be your reviewer today ^.^

REMEMBER: PUNCTUATION STILL EXISTS IN THE WORLD OF POETRY!!!!! Sorry for the caps, I just wanted to emphasize this point as it is a BIG issue.


All in all, I've marked everything I see wrong in red, you have a lot of work... I don't mean to be insulting but it looks like you wrote a bunch of related sentences, stopping in the middle of some and starting new ones in the same line... The flow was a bit sloppy, and your wording is just utterly confusing... Try reading it over again with fresh eyes, it helps you see what you missed.. I look forward to seeing the revision.

I think litehawk covered most of it, but I think you should even out the stanzas a bit

yes, punctuation does exist in the world of poetry, however i would like to remind you that there is creative license. like e.e. cummings doesn't capitalize his poetry; it is fine if you don't punctuate it either, and if a poet decides to then it is her/his right. poetry is a very personal style of writing, so you can not criticize it much, and most definitely not on punctuation or capitalization or anything else of the sort. but thank you, and i am glad you read it and thank you, as always, for the feedback. I do appreciate it, honestly.

Hi,

This flows beautifully. I think that the first three lines are a bit abstract so I'd try a more specific image, like the lovely images of the mother and feathers.

I love;
"crinkling with discovery, wrinkled
marked now with your fingerprints"
but I'd add a comma after "wrinkled".

I think that the second stanza is a bit vague and doesn't have as strong imagery as the rest of the poem so I'd try something more concrete.

I really love;
"inspiration in every garden unpursued."

and
"belief in every daylight song bird."
They're beautiful phrases.

Hope this helps.

Jas