At the End of a Deployment

15 months. 15 long months since he left. Don’t get me wrong, I love being a navy girlfriend. It’s the best job in the world. Then again, maybe it was just the guy that had me saying that. I knew that when I accepted this life, he wasn’t going to be around but that didn’t make it any easier. It was like half of everything you are was ripped from you and thrown into the ocean… literally.

Pearl Harbor, Hawaii was by far the most gorgeous place in the world. It was the middle of winter and I was standing on base with my white sundress gently swaying from the light breeze, the sun warming my bare back. It was a great day. I was standing with countless other women and families who all wanted the same thing, their man back. It might be a father, a husband, a son, or a boyfriend. Either way, no one understands my pain better than them.

When they opened the hatch and started to come out of the submarine they called home for the past 15 months, I started to cry. I wasn’t sad or upset, I was elated. Men and boys of all ages and rank were pouring out and running to their loved ones. I saw one enlisted man meet his daughter for the first time and another officer pick his boys up and kiss his wife. It was beautiful and I wanted the reason for my happiness in my arms.

I put my hand above my eyes to allow me to better see. More people came out but not the one I was looking for. The one I was looking for was my whole world, the reason I got up in the morning and slept at night. He was the reason my heart kept beating. My breathing caught in my throat when I saw my man climb out of his underwater tank and smile that heartbreaking smile at me. Before I knew what I was doing I was running straight to him. His strong arms caught me effortlessly and swung me around while I buried my face in his shoulder, latching my arms around his neck to make sure he was real, he was home. My feet didn’t hit the ground when I unwound my hands and put them on either side of his face. I looked into the eyes I always got so caught up in and kissed him with everything I had. It was a kiss that came from the tips of my toes.

Not a lot had changed in 15 months. When he left for this first deployment, I didn’t know what to think. Was he going to be different when he came home? Was I going to be different? Would we be different when we were together? What was going to happen? These doubts and questions ran through my mind over and over again but when I was in his arms, I realized it was all for not.

I still fit perfectly into his chest. His arms wrapped around me the exact same way. His lips still moved in all the same ways that always seemed to make me a puddle at his feet. It was like magic. He pulled his lips from mine and kissed my nose, cheek, and anywhere else he could reach. I put my arms back where they belonged around his neck as he put my feet back on the ground.

“I love you,” he whispered into my ear. I smiled into his neck.

“I love you too.”

Hello, I'm Kate. You did an excellent job at capturing my attention. As well as adding the perfect amount of suspense! As silly as it is of me to say this, I almost started crying when he wasn't coming to her!

You had a very few mistakes, but you had a punctuation error that I saw repeatedly.

boston1533 wrote:I wasn’t sad or upset, I was elated.

It wouldn't be and comma. It would be a semicolon Because, you're adding a extra thought.
There are a few of these throughout the story, but I bet you could go through and find them!

Keep writing,

Kate

This is really well written- i like the part about her worrying about the two of them being different, but in the end they're not.

"all for not." I'm pretty sure that this should be all for naught. Just a thought...

In your second paragraph, you really describe that well. I like your little details, like the white dress,and how no one will understand my pain the way that they do. Nice touc

--Kelly---

---PM with questions---
---comment my stuffs---

Hiya, Classy here. Let's get started...


Your story is very 'cliche.' If you don't know what that means, it's boring, overused, and uninteresting. Not saying your story isn't uninteresting, just some parts. In a whole, if you can continue to display the emotions correctly, I think this story should be very beautiful and romantic. I am afraid that you might have introduced the happily ever after too soon. And if the boy ends up beating her or had cheated on her while away, scrap it and start over, because that's about as cliche as you can get. (:

It was like half of everything you are was ripped from you and thrown into the ocean… literally.

So, you are talking in first person, and then you jump to second person, indicated by your use of 'you.' You need to change this sentence. It is a bit awkward, and doesn't flow as well as the previous parts.
It should be something like: "It was like I was ripped in half, one part thrown into the ocean... literally." or something like that.

It was the middle of winter and I was standing on base with my white sundress gently swaying from the light breeze, the sun warming my bare back.

So this is a bit cliche, also. The little white sundress? How many times have we seen that in cheap Hollywood movies? I would change it to a different color, and find another way to explain the scenery. Perhaps instead of telling us the sun hit her warm back, indicate that the sun was shining, and we can just assume it is warming her.

When they opened the hatch and started to come out of the submarine that they called home for the past 15 months, I started to cry.

This is a bit confusing. Do you see the bolded word? I would add that in here. It makes it more clear what you are saying. As the way you wrote it, I had to reread it a few times to get what you were saying.

The one I was looking for was my whole world, the reason I got up in the morning and slept at night.

You have already said this. A lot. You might not have said these exact words, but we already know this, thrice over. Please find something else to say. I am a little bored.

My breathing caught in my throat when I saw my man climb out of his underwater tank and smile that heartbreaking smile at me.

"heartbreaking smile?" So overused. You need to come up with saying of your own to express your voice. Right now, I have no idea what your voice it. Are you a smart-alec writer? A romantic, compassionate writer? I have no idea because of all these cliches!

I looked into the eyes I always got so caught up in and kissed him with everything I had.

Another very overused saying: Caught up in his eyes? You can do better...

As I said before, this story has potential. Just work with making it more your own.

Hey boston,

I really liked this. I think you portrayed that hiding panic when the guys are coming out and all she can focus on is seeing him. I loved the thing you said about her other half being thrown into the ocean as well, though I kind of laughed at it, but I understand how you meant it. And I loved how you said she still fit perfectly with him.

By the end I got a little tired of hearing how he was her whole world though. I'm not too sure why, and it may just be me, but it seems like you could cut back on that a bit. We understand she loves him like no one else and he's her reason for existing etc, but you don't have to state it so much. Do you get me?

Either way, it was a joy to read. You made me miss my best friend though lol (He's in the army so I don't get to see him for long periods of time) But that's good. You got to your reader's emotions.

Good job, keep on writing.

-Lindsay

Yup, I'm commenting on my own post to respond to some posts. First of all, this story is a one-shot. I'm all for constructive criticism but really?

Second thing, there's a reason I said he was my whole world and stuff multiple times. You have NO idea what being in the military is like. I WAS in the military, I know what it's like when people get deployed. I know what it feels like to be away from the kid the story is about. Wondering when he was coming back home, if he was safe. Those emotions go through my head every single day. He IS my whole world, he IS the reason I get up in the morning. He's not going to beat her because he would never beat me. Get it? This is the whole story, there won't be a bad ending, this is the ending.

Oh, and every time people come back for a deployment, it's cliche. I'm 18 years old, I know what that means. The story was MADE to be a cliche. Next time your man gets deployed, get at me.

Sincerely though, thanks to everyone who commented on my grammar. I know I needed help with that. You're the best!

Keep it classy everyone,
Boston15

PS Thanks for picking up on the hidden panic haha. I didn't know if I made it sound right.

I'm not sure if you understand how good you are. I beg you to not ignore this talent.