"Concealed"

Hi everyone! This poem tells the story of an unidentified persona, who immigrated to another country; now he is returning to his homeland and dealing with his past and the long-term issues involved in this change, if you were wondering. It's free verse.

Eight-pointed, satin star that longing tourists depict.

Eight directions to voyage before falling onto the bended knees

on the maiden snow and silently pray to God,

thanking him that there was enough of you to return,

To notice unknown, innocent residents of the metropolis and adore them

with all your might for even the brilliants came up

On your pale cheeks. You hid your faithfulness to this realm

Under seven locks, in an unfortunate attempt to bury it from your heart,

Not to root millions of seeds of pain during those many years you were out.

Instead, you aimed to disregard the sorrow that smashed to smithereens your heart,

And invested your energy in knowledge,

Overcoming all of the difficulties of being taught to.

A single noble basis progressed all this hectic, frantic chaos in your

misted mind and heart. A family.

Only one realm. Only two towns. You saved your

pledge to such an internal announcement that it was the worst of times,

It was the best of times. Just like every other common matter we see day after day.

Hi! This was really cool. You really gave the main character (or whatever you wanna call him/her) feelings. It really reminded me of immigrants who have left and then returned. Awesome poem, you have tons of talent. Keep writing good stuff like this!

--Dreamy

Thank you very much, Dreamy! I'll be sure to pay attention to your works too, I have a feeling they are really good!

FlyingInEbony wrote:

Eight-pointed, satin star that longing tourists depict.

Eight directions to voyage before falling onto the bended knees

on the maiden snow and silently pray to God,

thanking him that there was enough of you to return,

To notice unknown, innocent residents of the metropolis and adore them

with all your might for even the brilliants came up

On your pale cheeks. (I would break this into two sentences after the word 'God')

You hid your faithfulness to this realm

Under seven locks, in an unfortunate attempt to bury it from your heart,

Not to root millions of seeds of pain during those (maybe change to 'the'?) many years you were out.

Instead, you aimed to disregard the sorrow that smashed to smithereens your heart, (I would switch this around making it 'smash your heart to smithereens')

And invested your energy in knowledge,

Overcoming all of the difficulties of being taught to.

A single noble basis progressed all this hectic, frantic chaos in your

misted mind and heart. A family.

Only one realm. Only two towns. You saved your

pledge to such an internal announcement that it was the worst of times,

It was the best of times. Just like every other common matter we see day after day.
(The capitalization confuses me, is it imagery?)

I feel a lot of power coming from this! It's a deep and well developed thought. The few adjustments I suggest here are merely to make it easier for the reader to understand.

Thanks so much for sharing this with me!

Hi, this poem is rather interesting, touching, and it displays the emotions very nicely.
There were a few problems, however:
1)

and #FF0000 ">silently pray to God

I have a problem with this word, seeing as there is no mention beforehand of someone who is there, and better word would be "and a silent...".
2)

with all your might for even the brilliants came up

I'm sorry, but I don't understand what this sentence is talking about.
Your poem is very nice, save those little glitches, and I would love to read another poem of yours, sincerely, ab5986.