Help me out of heaven! (better name needed!)

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Chapter 1 - The party


Heaven used to be something I dreamed about. When I was five and my grandma died, my mom was the one to introduce the concept to me. I ran around for hours yelling "Hey heaven, where are you?" as if it was right in front of me, I just didn't look hard enough. Now that I'm 14, I realize I was right.


"Hey Vicky, are you almost ready?" My best friend is sitting at my vanity, applying eye shadow. It's evenly applied, which surprises me, considering she normally puts way more on the left eye accidentally. I'm sitting on my yellow powerpuff bedspread that I got when I was seven, lacing up my ballet flats.

"Umm..." I stick out my tongue in concentration. "There! Yup, I'm ready! Do I look like the best ballerina in the world or what!"

"Amazing darling. Let me tell you your fortune." Julie drawled. "Stick out your hand. I will read your palm." I giggled and stuck out my right hand. She read it for a second, then looked up. "I see you winning the costume contest tonight, but then a vampire will take you and suck your blood!" she exclaimed, then cackled.

"Oh no!" I feigned terror, clutching my throat. "Wait, you cackled! Are you a fortune teller or a witch?" I jokingly laughed.


"I am everything and nothing," she replies with a straight face. That's a little weird, she seemed offended at that question. Oh well, she's joking! It's Halloween, of course she is, I reassured myself.

"Come on! Let's go!" She pulled me up from the bed and we twirled our way out.

Twenty minutes later we were standing in front of the school. We had survived a werewolf, Frankenstein, and three witches. Without hesitating a second later, we ran into our high school. The gym was tricked out with spiders and cobwebs, and a table with "eyeballs" and "brains". A song was playing that I loved, and tons of kids were dancing. A "games show host" approached me. "Victoria Sulton, for one million dollars, what is the name of this song?" he crowed.

"Cut it out, Michael. It's... Umm... Dang it! I can't remember! Man, has it ever happened to you that something's just on the tip of your tongue, but all the pulling in the world can't get it off?!" I ask, exasperated.

"Umm.. No?" he replied, genuinely confused. "By the way, the song is Poker Face." Michael walked away, ready to ask other kids the same question.

I began to walk through the horde of amazing dancers. They looked professional. Now that I think about it, everything looks to perfect to be real... I catch up to Julie. "Julie, does everything here look too perfect to you?"


She turns around. A boy is behind her. Oops, they must have been dancing! "No. Now no offense, but I'm with a guy." She bobs her head in the slightly dazed boy's direction.

"Yeah! Sorry! I'll leave you alone." I quickly tell her. This is too weird... I decide to go talk to Mr. Mayer, the principal, and question him about the great decor. I tiptoe quietly into his office and look around at the once messy room that now reveals a picture perfect fantasy office. He's at his desk, watching some Google Earth looking thing. He turns around.

"Victoria! I heard you coming. Sit down." He motions to a reclining chair. I sit down, and stare at his head, which appears to be glowing.

"Umm, Mr. Mayer, your heads glowing!" I say.

"Yes Victoria, now what did you come here for?"

"You're not Mr. Mayer, are you?" I cower.

"No Victoria, that is not my name." He shakes his head. "I can sense you came here for a reason. Will you tell me what?"

"Who are you?" I exclaim.

"God."

"Don't take the Lord's name in vain!" I yell.

"No, Victoria," he responds. "I am God."
Last edited by bobberrules on Mon Jan 25, 2010 11:21 pm, edited 2 times in total.




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Kind of small yet still very good. And I like the name! Otherwise I think you have a lot of dialouge but still it wasn't to much because there was other things so ovreall great job! :elephant: Keep going can't wait for the next one!




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Haha! Love the way it ended and how you get the sense that everyone is in on some sort of secret but Victoria! I'm not gonna get all nit-picky on you so really the only thing I noticed was that when you described the place as being too perfect you forgot an "o". And you need a bit more description on how Victoria's feeling at the time.
Maybe you could call it "Playing God" or something(my idea is sucky I know) I like your title though.
It was really good though. I'd love to read a second part of it if you decide to continue with the story.
Byyyyeeee!!! Keep Writing!!!! :D :elephant:
“If I had to choose between betraying my country and betraying my friend, I hope I should have the guts to betray my country.” -E.M. Forster




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Hey there bobberrules. I'm Danie, and I'm gonna review this for you. Also I see that you're new here. Welcome to YWS. On to the review.

bobberrules wrote:I ran around for hours yelling "Hey heaven!! Where are you?" as if it was right in front of me, I just didn't look hard enough.

I'm not the best at grammar, but I think that after yelling there should be a comma. Also I think that if you change the comma after me into a period it would make it more dramatic, or the other option for that is put an and there.

bobberrules wrote:Now that I'm 14, I realized I was right.

It confuses me by saying I'm since the rest of the sentence is in past tense. You might want to change it, but then again it's just my opinion.

bobberrules wrote:"I am everything and nothing." she replied with a straight face.

The period at the end of the dialogue should be a comma.

bobberrules wrote:I began to walk through the horde of amazingly amazing dancers. They looked professional. Now that I think about it, everything looks to perfect to be real... I catch up to Julie.

Saying amazingly amazing isn't nescessary. Really. You also change tenses in this sentences. When you say to perfect to be real, that first to should be too. If that makes any sense. The elipses can be replaced with a period because it seems wierd.

bobberrules wrote:Storming into his office, I look around at the once messy room that now reveals a picture perfect fantasy office.

When did she become angry? If she isn't don't use storm because it changes the atmosphere.


bobberrules wrote:"Victoria! I heard you coming. Sit down," he motions to a reclining chair.

That shouldn't be a comma at the end of the dialogue. It should be a period.

Other things I noticed:
~You seem to switch tenses alot, and it can get confusing.
~The two girls seem to be very ditzy with all the twirling and stuff.
~Vicky''s friend has the craziest mood swings. At first she's joking, and then she's dead serious then she's joking again. It can be difficult to follow.
~What was the point of having Michael ask her that at the beginning of the Halloween dance? It seemed completely irrelevant.
~Why is it wierd that the dance is really nice? Is their school poor or something?
~That ending was very unexpected, which can be a good or bad thing. I'm not sure which in this case.

Hope I helped. Keep writing!

~Danie
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