Straight From My Moleskine (1)

4 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1206
Reviews 133
This is just a little inside look at my imagination. It's only the first page of 5 that I wrote last night. It drops right into the middle of the story, I know. I might work on some exposition later, but for now, this is a typical day in my head.

As I sat on the floor, book in hand, I watched the flame of my candle flicker. I had only lit it and set it on my desk a few minutes ago. Now, I couldn't imagine what made it shudder so violently. The only source of moving air was a small heater next to me, and it was facing the opposite direction.
I watched the candle wink at me as it danced to a fast beat I couldn't hear. Its sporadic bursts of light reflected of the white walls behind it, tinting the bare surface pale orange. For a second, I expected the candle to go out.
If only it had.
In one glorious moment the flame sprung up six feet and retreated back to its typical size. Where the great ball of fire had just been, a man now floated in the air. He stepped down onto the table and brushed himself off. Not a crease showed on his black suit, and his shoes gleamed in the steady candlelight. Everything about him was sharp, from his attire to his hair to the features on his face, and even the look in his eyes.
I knew him. But this wasn't the same person. It was like this man had taken the image of my friend and distorted his features till they were ice cold. This man was a stranger to me.
He did not waste time searching for me. Instead, he looked straight to the corner where I had curled up. He stepped off my desk gracefully and walked toward me like a great cat, ready to pounce. I watched him stalk over with cautious eyes.
"You," he said, jabbing the word at me like a sword.
I continued to stare at him cautiously.
"I know what you want," he said.
I narrowed my eyes. How could he know that? He couldn't. He didn't know.
"Yes, I do know."
Could he read minds?
"Make a deal with me," he said. "I can make it happen."
[url="www.royacrystaldoesnanowrimo.tumblr.com"]Follow my 2011 NaNoWriMo progress on tumblr[/url] or [url="http://www.nanowrimo.org/eng/user/734471"]friend me on the official NaNoWriMo forums[/url]!




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 53415
Reviews 1125
Hey Roy! I... how haven't we met before? This saddens me. Anyway, yo, I'm Stella.

I. NITPICKS

As I sat on the floor, book in hand, I watched the flame of my candle flicker.


Actually, I'd get rid of the "as" and changed it to "and watched." The way you put it sounds like the candleflame interrupted your sitting doing nothing. Maybe it did. I don't know. But still.

Where the great ball of fire had just been, a man now floated in the air.


Start a new paragraph after this line if you want this to be any way shocking.

and even the look in his eyes.


The "and" isn't needed.

Alright.

II. PASSIVENESS

Is passiveness even a word?

I don't have many major specific issues, this is almost too short to have any, except for how passive your voice is. I'm not sure whether or not this is a normal occurence for your MC, but the way it's written it sounds totally normal. Like "And oh yeah, then a man came out of the candle." Just, you know, another day in the life.

Connect with us. Make us interested. A good way is to show their reactions more, for instance, when the man comes out of the air, rather than describing how his suit looked, say "I stared at his creaseless black suit." Am I making sense? Make everything more direct, less roundabout. Then we'll be more interested.

III. OVERALL

This is nicely written, you've got some great imagery going on. I did have a slight problem that we learn absolutely nothing about your character, and also, we never found out why they lit the candle in the first place! But not too bad at all.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1368
Reviews 40
I must say this was an excellent read. Several errors as Stella pointed out, but they are considerably smaller than the ones that often show up in work around the site.

However, there really wasn't that much when it came to emotion. It was there, but it was well played to where the reader was drawn in to be IN the story and actually experience the mind of the writer.

It's fun to look into the minds of other people and I hope you will post the other pages as well. If you ever have the time of course.

PM me if needed,

Thief
By the Gods... Please let inspiration strike me! (Just in a non-violent way O.o)




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1206
Reviews 133
Cool. =] Thanks you, guys. I'll think about adding more emotional detail later. Maybe when I have more than two minutes before I go to sleep. As I mentioned, I'll have to come up with some exposition eventually. Thank you for reminding me to add about the MC. I couldn't help but skim over that since, well, I know who I am.

And Stella--yes, it is, as you said, totaly normal.

Theif--Happy one year on YWS! I just happened to notice that you joined a year ago today.

I'm glad I posted this, then. Edits will come along!
[url="www.royacrystaldoesnanowrimo.tumblr.com"]Follow my 2011 NaNoWriMo progress on tumblr[/url] or [url="http://www.nanowrimo.org/eng/user/734471"]friend me on the official NaNoWriMo forums[/url]!



I have lived through much, and now I think I have found what is needed for happiness. A quiet secluded life in the country, with the possibility of being useful to people to whom it is easy to do good... then rest, nature, books, music, love for one's neighbor - such is my idea of happiness.
— Leo Tolstoy