The Riders - Prologue

Re-draft complete you can find the new version in Fantasy Fiction

Hello all,
Nit-picks are most welcome



Prologue:

I crouched on the floor, examining the tracks. They were fresh which meant the horses had passed through here not that long ago. I had tracked them for three days now and I was making record time. I already knew the horse I would choose when I finally caught up with them. She was a beautiful chestnut horse with a long mane and honey coloured eyes. I had fallen in love with her the moment I saw her and I knew that our bond could be strong. I ran forward, my bow drawn. What I had to do was horrible, but it was the most effective way of forming a bond with your stead.

I came to a clump of bushes and peered through, spotting my target. The horses were grazing in a clearing with my stead near the edge of the group. It was lucky, but I couldn’t rely on luck to get me through this. I skirted the group keeping out of sight until I was level with my horse. I drew back my bow and took aim; I had to hit the correct spot or she would bolt and I would have to spend more time tracking them down. I loosed the arrow and it hit her, squarely in her flank. She whinnied pitifully and I felt so bad. The rest of the herd bolted in terror, she attempted to follow them but her front legs buckled and brayed timidly. I dodged back the way I had come to the clump of bushes. I ran forward from this direction so it appeared that I had not shot the arrow. I ran up to my steed and looked into her eyes. My eyes glowed green and she lay down, obeying my command. I gently pulled out the arrow and held my hands over the wound, they glowed blue and the cut began to heal. I whispered comforting words to her. She tried to stand but I held her down with a strong grip. The wound soon closed. She stood up and rested her head on mine. I stood up too and reached out my hand, she placed her head in it showing her acceptance of me. I stroked her muzzle, pleased with myself. I moved to her side and pulled myself onto her back taking hold of her mane to allow me to guide her. I kicked her gently. She whinnied, setting off at a canter back through the woods towards our camp. The camp of the Riders.

Re-Drafting Complete, you can find the re-draft in Fantasy Fiction

Hey there! First of all, I have to say you have me instantly hooked. I loove horses. So to find a fantasy story that starts out with horses - win-win for me!

Lydia1995 wrote:What I had to do was horrible, but it was the most effective way of forming a bond with your stead I think you mean "steed."

I drew back my bow and took aim,semicolon I had to hit the correct spot or she would bolt and I would have to spend more time tracking them down.

When the wound had fully closed she stood up and rested her head on mine. I stood up and reached out my hand, she placed her head in it showing her acceptance of me. I stroked her muzzle, pleased with myself. I moved to her side and pulled myself onto her back taking hold of her mane to allow me to guide her. I kicked her gently. She whinnied, setting off at a canter back through the woods towards our camp. The camp of the Riders.

This all moved rather fast for me. I think you need a bit more description; what's going on with the rest of the herd? Wouldn't this horse be able to smell the MC? Also, wouldn't the arrow damage the flank area and possibly maim her? I think you could add a lot more description here; that being said, this is a prologue, not a first chapter, so I guess you don't necessarily need more details. It's up to you.

Please let me know when you post more! I'm really looking forward to the next post!

That initiation thing is just sick and wrong.

But effective.

Overall, I liked it. It has an interesting premise, and the shoot-and-heal thing seems pretty original. There were a few mistakes with the grammar though, among other things.

"I drew back my bow and took aim;"
You don't draw back the bow. You draw back the bowstring.

"She stood up and rested her head on mine."

That's gotta hurt.

"I stood up too and reached out my hand, she placed her head in it showing her acceptance of me."
That would be better as two sentences.

Hey there. I'm here to review.
That was quick. I liked this, but I think that you should've added in something that had to do with her orginization, or whatever it is that she's in. So I'm assuming that she's not human since she healed the horse with her hands. I'm curious about what her. I don't even know her name. I think that this is a good start to a story. Something I really haven't read about before.
Hope I helped. Keep writing!

~Danie

They were fresh which meant the horses had passed through here not that long ago.

Need a comma after 'fresh'

I had tracked them for three days now and I was making record time.

Try, 'I had been tracking them...'

I had fallen in love with her the moment I saw her and I knew that our bond could be strong.

Would be strong.

The horses were grazing in a clearing with my stead near the edge of the group.

It's steed, not stead.

I loosed the arrow and it hit her, squarely in her flank.

'Released' would be a better word here than 'loosed'

My eyes glowed green and she lay down, obeying my command.

You should be careful with this when you're writing in 1st person, because you are generally writing what you think, or see. This person couldn't see his/her eyes glow green, so you should fix it.

She stood up and rested her head on mine. I stood up too and reached out my hand, she placed her head in it showing her acceptance of me.

Comma after 'it'

I like the idea that the main character had to shoot the horse and then heal it to gain it's trust. It's creative, and I like that you're not afraid to go there. However, I did think it was a little too easy at the end when the horse just instantly went to the rider. I would make it (the horse) a little more apprehensive about this stranger before you do that.

Descriptions were okay. They're in a forest, right? I'd like to see a little more detail about the setting.

You also want to lessen your use of pronouns, particularly 'I'

Good start. Keep working.

Hey!

I'm with everyone else. I really liked it. The initiation is... cruel at best, but its creative.

There is no input I can provide for this section specifically, but I can give a warning: Know your animal.

So many authors think horses are machines. They are anything but. Do research, if you haven't already, on all of the food that a horse can eat, how much it needs, how fast it can run etc. and if there is going to be mounted fighting, research that too. Its not easy. I'd be glad to help with what I can, and I have a link somewhere. If I find it I'll send it to you.

I really enjoyed reading this, you have incredible writing skills that I was hooked from the very first sentence. I envy how easily you seem to be able to describe scenes in your story, that's something that I can never do without ripping my hair out by the first minute lol! Anyway, I am intrigued and I can't wait to read more!
*coco

This was really good, although kind of bad for the horse
I really enjoyed your writing, details but not too many. Plus, the prologue got my curiousity, which is what you want to happen for anyone.

Keep me posted (PM me) for the rest, I'd like to read it.

Hiya there, Lydia!

This is a very interesting piece. I personally love the fact that you started the story out with horses. I always have to include them in my stories, no matter the genre

Anyroad, onto the review. It's going to be a lot about the faults I see here about the wild horses. I can't help it

---->Description is a big thing here. First off your MC is following the herd of horses. At first I thought she(?) was tracking a group of riders, but then I realized it wasn't so. Perhaps you could change that so your reader realizes the MC is following wild horses?

---->Horses are very alert creatures, even the domesticated ones. There isn't a terribly big difference between domesticated horses and wild ones. However, wild horses rely more upon their instincts for survival more than their tamed counter parts. And so, to put this short, there is always a stallion on watch. He's the one that senses danger or another stallion first, thus warning his harem. It's the lead mare that actually leads the herd whilst he keeps them together.

So, what I'm trying to get at is, wouldn't the stallion or possibly any other horse have heard the MC running through the trees towards their grazing spot?

---->Also, your MC would have heard the horses snorting and such as they grazed. I've been around horses for a while now and there always is a great deal of snorting, sneezing and perhaps the occasional squeal and hoof pounding. You need these details to bring your story more to life!

---->Also, describe the forest(?) around your MC. Is it near the mountains? Foothills? Or is it just a forest with gently sloping terrain? I suppose it doesn't matter much, but you need a tab bit more description.

---->I haven't really figured out the plot idea through the prologue, which is what a prologue is supposed to do. Sort of describe what the story is about. Besides something to do with Riders.

---->The flank of the horse is the rear end. The mare would have been able to still gallop after her band, but would have slowly gotten weak from her wound, therefore easy prey for predators. Such a wound wouldn't have made her collapse to her knees straight away.

---->I'm not exactly sure how your MC managed to heal the wound and gain a wild horse's trust right away like that. Was it magic or what? I think you need to explain that so your reader understands. For it takes a long while for an actual wild horse to completely gain a human's trust. Here are two instances that I've read about:

A man adopted one of the wild horses of Alberta a couple years ago. It took him two whole years before the mare finally let him ride her. That was using the horse training methods of today.

Back in 1930-something, Rich Hobson Jr. bought a wild horse called Nimpo and broke the horse to ride using the old cowboy style. You know, ride him out till he stops bucking. That horse never trusted man, but he was a good sturdy mount. It took Nimpo over fifteen years to finally trust Rich, and that was after Rich and his partner saved the horse several times.

---->You have to keep in mind a horse's nature when you write about them. Horses who have been raised in a herd and who are always with their pals have a tendency to be considerably reluctant to part with their herd mates. Even the most well trained of horses and possibly even the ones under a spell don't like to leave their safety.

~~~~~

This is an amazing start and it has plenty of potential. Sorry about my whole rant on horses. It's a bad habit of mine. Perhaps you could have your MC explain how she managed to heal the horse and her ability to tame it so fast. And why she was trying to capture the mare.

I know it's only a prologue, but it doesn't hurt to fully explain things and add description. Sometimes a descriptive prologue is more gripping.

Please keep writing on this and if you have any questions, feel free to PM me! Hope I helped a little and didn't rant on endlessly

Cheers,

Meadow

Gotta say, I love horses! This had me hooked fast. Looks like they all got all the nitpicks...sadly, I gotta log on here more often.
It was a bit fast, but I loved it. More description is nice, but they already said that.
I get to compliment! Yay!
It was awesome, truly.
Keep Writing!
~Shaard

Thank you everyone for your commments, I will go away, re-draft and re-post