....

.

Hai! Twit here, emerging from years of hibernation to finally crit something. Be flattered. Be very flattered.

Dakota
1 – White Winter

I’m not sure why you have this here? If it’s set in Dakota, it would be better to have it after the chapter title – which I’m assuming is ‘White Winter’.

Harsh winds ripped through my fur and shivers shook my entire body coinciding with each rumble of my stomach.

There’s too much action here. The winds, the shivers, the rumbles... I’d put the stomach rumbles in a new sentence. Like, “Harsh winds ripped through my fur and shivers shook my entire body. My stomach rumbled.” It’s less busy like that.

My little sister, Lizzie, and I had been having a great time on a hot summer day at the public swimming pool.

Friend of mine said that she didn’t like the word ‘fine’ because it was so vague. It’s the same with ‘great’. It’s vague and doesn’t really give a clear picture of what you’re describing. Also, it’s boring.

The Pull urged me to move but I resisted. I wanted to lie here, just for a moment. Maybe I’d get lucky and freeze to death.

I love how you capitalised ‘the Pull’. Very cool. And I like your character’s voice, as well.

Well the answers are; sort of; the overpowering magnetism that likes to jerk me around here and there and; of course it’s a nice name, it’s my sister’s name.

I’m not sure about your semi-colons here. For me, they’re like hyperbole (“Never use hyperbole, not one writer in a million can use it correctly”). I think the first one could/should be a full-blown colon, and the last one is wrong. I’m thinking it should be like, “... likes to jerk me around here and there; and, of course it’s a nice name, it’s my sister’s.” I think. I could be, like, totally wrong. ^_^

I guess it was for the best, the food was scarce enough as it was without extra mouths to feed.

This feels like a tense-switch – “I guessed it was for the best” is better. Also, I think that comma should be a semi-colon.

You think I would’ve lost count by now, but when all you have is time you don’t want to lose track of it.

You need a comma after “time”. Nice line, though, quotable.

Three years since I almost killed someone and ran away from home. Three years since I’d seen my family– my parents, my little sister and my baby brother. Three years since I became a werewolf. I missed my family terribly but I couldn’t be near them; I was a monster.

This is kind of tell-y. Scratch that – very tell-y. It wasn’t too bad until the last line, it’s too typical angsty and too obvious. We already know that the character misses his family, but saying that he misses them “terribly” cheapens it. Saying “I couldn’t be near them; I was a monster” is boring and obvious and cliché. Sorry.

I hadn’t chosen what I am.

Tense-switch again. “I didn’t choose what I am” is better.

We are dealt our cards and can’t change them; it’s what we do with them that counts.

Clichéd.

I had chosen to follow the Pull like a mindless sheep.

Every time I see this, I think it’s ‘Paul’ and wonder at such a boring name for a werewolf.

So here I am, lying in the snow, not knowing whether I’m more likely to die from the cold or starvation ‘cause THERE’S NO DARN FOOD IN THIS BARREN WASTE LAND!

Nix the caps. Italicise if you want, but all caps is kind of childish.

Since day one it practically high-jacked me and steered me through deserts, forests and countryside; up mountains, over rivers; through rain, shine or snow.

Make that, ‘Day One’.

I got to my feet, or paws rather, and shook the snow from my fur that had gathered during the night.

After three years, I’d have thought that the guy is now used to being a werewolf. So why the feet/paws thing? I’d take it out.

Then I was off again, trudging through the deep snow

These two phrases are at odds with each other. ‘I was off again’ implies speed, when ‘trudging’ has connotations of slowness.

The whistling wind blew sheets of snow in my face as I made my up to the ridge where I’d seen the shape.

This is too abrupt a change back to narrative from the monologue. The guy’s been telling us about his life and thoughts, and then all at once we’re back in the present. Add more of a transition.

~

I liked this. It was well written and your character's voice is really alive and believable. You had good descriptions and it was all nicely paced. ^_^ The only thing you need to work on is showing and not telling; a few times here you told so much it was awkward, instead of letting the readers figure things out for themselves.

Keep writing!

EDIT: Oh yes, you need to review at least two pieces before posting any of your own work and keep that ratio afterwards as well.

Why, hello thar, I am Light_Devil and I shall be your trusty reviewer today.

Let's begin!

lonewolf wrote:1 – White Winter

Authors tend to use writing to write numbers and not numerals. I think this is also the case as with in chapter titles as well.

Harsh winds ripped through my fur and shivers shook my entire body. My stomach rumbled. When did I last eat? I had just woken from a dream.

Huh? In red it seems like that this is connected to the previous sentence, but the sentence after red . . . it goes on a completely different tangent! I think perhaps this should be the start of a new paragraph.

My little sister, Lizzie, and I had been having a water fight on a hot summer day in our backyard.

Is this the dream? I'm not sure. Are they human? Wolves? *confused*

The Pull urged me to move, but I resisted. I wanted to lie here, just for a moment. Maybe I’d get lucky and freeze to death.

I like this part. I am now very intrigued as to what the Pull is.

Right now, you’re probably wondering is this guy some sort of suicidal emo? What the heck is the Pull? And possibly even Lizzie is a nice name.

Well, in red, I think this should be put into speech marks. You can keep the itallics, but I would think it should look more like this:

Right now, you're probably wondering, "Is this guy some sort of suicidal emo?", "What the heck is the Pull?" and even possibly, "Lizzie is a nice name."

Well, the answers are; sort of; the overpowering magnetism that likes to jerk me around here and there, and; of course it’s a nice name, it’s my sister’s name.

Wherever there are natural pauses there are commas. Please remember this. Woah, in red, serious abuse of semi-colons. I think you should be using commas.

Day 1102. You think I would’ve lost count by now, but when all you have is time, you don’t want to lose track of it.

In red, this is a pet hate of mine. Try to avoid using words that have the same base twice or more in a sentence. I think this sentence would flow better if you replace the "you don't want to lose track of it" with "you just can not forget it."

I missed my family terribly, but I couldn’t be near them; I was a monster.

I think, perhaps, you need to relearn your comma placements, or read this out loud and where there are natural pauses put the commas in.

I hadn’t chosen what I am.

In red, it doesn't flow with the tense you have. Try "I didn't choose what I am."

Was I lonely? Of course. But others of my kind held no interest for me. Life’s tough. Stuff happens.

Hmm, read this part closely. The "But" doesn't appear to be the correct word here. Perhaps there should be no word here. Think about it.

Maybe I was not alone in this strange white world.

Like the last part. It made me smile.

Overall:

Anyway, I have to say this is a pretty good piece of writing; you don't overly describe things, but it wouldn't hurt to have a little more description. I am intrigued by the plot and I like the whole feel to the story. However, you could clear up a few things that I mentioned. Please, learn how to use commas properly. They are majorly important. You have next to none spelling mistakes, so I applaud you. I enjoyed reading this.

Hoped this helped.

Have A Nice Day,
Azrael.