Untitled Story, Chapter One

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Critique away.
*
Chapter One

It rains.

This is not, strictly speaking, the truth. Yes, there are thick storm clouds overhead, and water is indeed falling from the sky. There, however, the similarities between rain and this storm end.

This is not rain. This is nature’s direct assault on the tiny stretch of farmland wedged between mountains and forest. Bluish lightning flutters across the clouds, now streaking down to set fire to a barn, now causing a small panic when it strikes just a little too close to home. Thunder shudders and rumbles constantly along behind its quicker, more visible companion, like a vicious dog confronting a horde of angry rats. Crops are flattened by the wind. When the water hits the ground, it leaves punctures two inches deep.

Inside their homes, the people cower, powerless against an army such as this.

All but one.

He is not a tall man, though his presence has a certain weight to it which more than compensates for his height. His black hair is quite long and tied back. At the moment it flaps wildly against his chin, beaten by the wind. His only other submission to the ferocity of the storm is to curl his shoulders up a little and keep his back to the wind.

Presently he becomes aware of the faint thud, thud of horse hooves, unnaturally loud even against the cacophony of thunder and rain against collapsed wheat. The corners of his lips rise very slightly.

“Good evening… Tyrone.”

“Jonul. Of course.” There is a loud sigh. “Please go away.”

The man called Jonul turns, still smiling slightly. Before him stands an enormous bay horse, and comfortably in its saddle is a broad-shouldered man in shiny mail. Jonul tilts briefly forward from the waist in a mock bow.

“No.”

“Surely you have more important things to do?”

“At this time? In this place?” Mock surprise passes over Jonul’s face. “I can think of nothing more… important.”

“This is hardly your area. You certainly haven’t any business here. At this time. In this place.”

“No.” Jonul shrugs. “But this is… interesting. Besides, in time, everything falls into my… area, as you put it.”

Tyrone raises an eyebrow and leans forward in his saddle. “Not for quite some while, in this case. Unless you have something planned?”

“Of course not.” His smile widens slightly, and he spreads his arms wide. “Why should I? I am nothing if not… patient.”

The horseman’s thick eyebrows draw together. “You’re lying.”

“Nonsense.”

“Mot would tell me.”

“No. I’ve… ordered him not to. It is really no concern of yours.”

“Quite the contrary.” Tyrone bares his teeth, a faint snarl rising in the back of his throat.

Jonul raises his hands, palms outward. “Peace, Tyrone. I have no intention of interfering with your little… experiment. I am merely… intrigued. I don’t suppose you could tell me what you’re doing?” he adds hopefully.

“No.”

“I thought not.” Jonul sighs. “Regrettable indeed.”

“Hm.” Tyrone frowns at the pale man. “Incidentally, do you know what all this is about?” He gestures around at the devastation and the greenish thunderclouds overhead.

“Haven’t the slightest,” Jonul replies calmly. “And it isn’t… important.” He crosses his arms tight over his chest and lets out his breath in a short burst of air. “You have everyone in quite the little… uproar. Even my… charges have noticed, and you know what they are like. Surely I’ve as much right as anyone to be… curious?”

“Hm.” Tyrone’s gaze flicks up towards the horizon momentarily, and then back to Jonul. “You know the rumors.”

“Of course.”

“Then you know enough.”

Jonul leans back, half-closing his eyes and staring at Tyrone’s scarred face. “For now… I suppose a ride is out of the question?”

Tyrone merely snorts and nudges his horse’s flanks. The big bay tosses its head and plods away. Jonul watches them go, his lips pressed tight together. After a moment he reaches a decision and sets off after the horse.


In the forest, a woman runs.

She wears dark green, and her brown hair streams out behind her as she threads her way through the trees. A rough linen blindfold is tied securely over her eyes.

Thunder groans in the distance, and the woman accelerates.


Jonul follows Tyrone to a tiny village, no more than a collection of rough buildings clustered around a stone church. The storm has driven everyone inside, and the only sounds are the wind, the thunder, and the rain as it strikes every exposed surface.

Tyrone pulls the horse to a stop just in front of the church, and dismounts to find Jonul instantly at his side. He glares briefly at the man before turning to rummage in his saddlebags. Jonul rises onto his toes in a vain attempt to see over Tyrone’s shoulder.

“Really, Jonul,” Tyrone says as he transfers a small, round object from the saddlebags to the crook of his arm. He pats it absently as he turns and begins to walk toward the church.

“What?” Jonul follows him.

“You’re being quite unreasonable. Childish, some would say.”

Jonul smiled slightly, and half-closed his eyes. “I like to consider that I am… above such accusations. I am far from… childish, Tyrone.”

“Hm.” The heavy wood doors swing open and Tyrone steps into the church. Jonul follows, glancing right and left as he crosses the threshold.

“Why… here?” he asks. The sounds of the storm are barely muffled by the solid stone walls and wooden roof.

Tyrone ignores this, and walks swiftly past the hard benches to the altar. It is a large, rough slab of stone, stained reddish from numerous sacrifices. He leans down and gently places the round object on it, then turns to leave.

Jonul is right behind him, peering closely at the altar. “A stone? All this… trouble for a… stone?” He leans down until his nose is inches away from the stone. His eyes narrow. “Quartz… yes?”

“Yes.” Tyrone pauses at the door, his head cocked to one side. “Do you hear that?”

Jonul straightens, turning to stare at the other man. “I hear… many things.”

“Footsteps, I mean,” Tyrone says with a sigh. “Running footsteps.”

A smile flashes across Jonul’s face. “Ah. Yes. I thought she… would be here.”


The woman is a blur, across the ruined fields and into the village. She slides to a halt outside the church. A spray of water flies up and out behind her.

Jonul and Tyrone stand in front of the church, Tyrone glaring and fiddling with the straps on his saddle, while Jonul smiles and bows slightly in the woman’s direction.

“It’s a stone, Ansi,” he says calmly. “Quartz. From the… mountains, I believe.”

Tyrone grunts.

“What?” says Ansi, grinning. Faint white light seeps out from behind her blindfold. “Not even going to say hello? Surely you were brought up better than that, dear.”

“Hello,” Tyrone says through gritted teeth.

Ansi clicks her tongue and moves to peer into the church. “That’s it?”

“Rather… unimpressive, isn’t it?” Jonul asks mildly.

“Mm.”

Tyrone swings into the saddle and nudges the big bay into a trot.

Behind him, Ansi leans towards Jonul and asks, “Do you know what he’s up to?”

“No more than you.”

They watch as Tyrone and his horse vanish into the storm. A few minutes later they are gone, too.
April: Um. What's with the weird special effects?
King Thing: Either it's an effect of the broken dream barriers or the fact that this was written with massive budget cuts in mind!
April: Wait, what?




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Hey there! I'm Lauren and I'll be your reviewer today.

I really liked this! You have a very interesting writing style and it kept me interested. The plot, too, intruigues me. Or at least what I can see from it now.

The character Jonul has an interesting way of talking. I'm assuming the elipses (the three dots, ... ) are supposed to signify him randomly trailing off mid-sentence and pausing and such. Very interesting. It makes me want to know more about him and perhaps why he speaks this way.

The only thing I'd like to point out is your dialogue. Your prose is so well done and almost even poetic at times but then you sort of lose me in the dialogue. The words are fine, but I have very little idea about what is happening outside of the words while they are being spoken. Try putting said tags on dialogue (said, asked, demanded, interrupted, shouted, etc). Give the reader a bit of a hint as to how the characters say these things, or what they do while they say them. It will help keep the reader drawn in to the story.

Anyways, great job! I can't wait to read more of this, so keep writing! Feel free to PM me if you have any questions.

-Lauren
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Hi,

I agree with Lauren on this one. Very interesting characters and setting. The dialogue initially had me confused on who was who between the two men, but I got it eventually. What Lauren is trying to say is that when you give that extra bit of description in how they say things or how they are thinking, it helps the audience feel more connected with the characters themselves, as well as more interested in the story overall. The way you introduced these characters also was well done.

Great work, I hope to continue reading in the future.

Dub.




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Chapter One
Hiya!

Well, I loved your story. I had hardly any critisms, and enjoyed reading it. Normally, I don't like stories that are told from the 'outside view', where only the visual account and no emotion is written. It can sometimes make the reader feel detached, but your portray the characters in such a way that their personality is clear for everyone to see. Thats a hard thing to do, well done!
It rains.
This is not, strictly speaking, the truth. Yes, there are thick storm clouds overhead, and water is indeed falling from the sky. There, however, the similarities between rain and this storm end.

What an interesting start, it draws the reader in by making them think 'so, what is it then?' Its a really constructive thought that must have taken a deep thinker to think up such a philsophical start at that.

I also think you have a very promintent talent for description. I can see the scenery just like a painted picture!

If you need any help of any kind, give me a shout. Also when you release Chapter 2!

Forgotten x
He was just one of the forgotten fallen...one? Maybe the only. All he knew was that if anyone another angel had fallen someone would have come and helped them up.

Oh gosh Maths has never sounded so good : "Lexifer"




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Thanks guys. I'll definitely work on the dialogue. :)
April: Um. What's with the weird special effects?
King Thing: Either it's an effect of the broken dream barriers or the fact that this was written with massive budget cuts in mind!
April: Wait, what?




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Hey i think you have a really good writing style that sounds almost professional when you read it. You use just the right amount of big words and small words and it all flows wonderfully. My only criticism is that it runs a bit slow, the beginning starts off with a long description which isn't exactly attention grabbing and not much really happens. Then again i'm the sort of person who likes reading stories that run really fast. Anyway i still think this is really good and when read you would of sworn it was written by someone a lot older
"You grow, you grow like tornado
You grow from the inside
Destroy everything through
Destroy from the inside
Erupt like volcano
You flow from the inside
You kill everything through
You kill from the inside"




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Hi TNO!

This little piece of what I feel is a much bigger story makes me definitely want to find out more. What is the background of each of the characters? what motivates them?

The woman Ansi who enters intrigues me, I sense that Tyrone dislikes her and she has a positive relationship with Jonul. Again i ask why? What is their history? I feel like you are saving this information for future chapters, however I think possibly a little more information could be added to give subtle clues as to the relationships between characters and their occupations. I feel there are too many questions to start off with, and the reader might feel like you are alienating them by not answering any of them. This is more of a personal choice, so you may take it or leave it. I guess its about finding the balance between suspense and keeping the interest of the reader.

I did like how the story began though! I like to think about ordinary events at a deeper level and the rain description fed my appetite nicely :D

keep at it! your readers needs those questions answered!
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