Remembering Yesterday, ch 1 part 1

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This is a new storyline I"m working on. Ideas and comments welcomed.


The sky was gray. That wouldn't have been odd had it actually been cloudy. But it had been a sunny day, very bright and warm, this morning. And it looked almost like it was snowing. Not directly above me but off in the distance I could clearly see small specks falling from the sky. That was very odd, considering it was April and we hadn't had any snow at all this year. What had happened to cause all this? I remembered the planes and the bombs and everyone running around screaming but I couldn't remember why I was lying on the ground. I was very tired and my head hurt, there seemed to be no harm in just resting for a few minutes... Just as my eyelids were closing I heard someone call out my name.
"Megan! Megan can you hear me?"
The voice sounded male and seemed very familiar but I couldn't place it. They continued to call but I didn't answer back. I seemed to at least know I didn't want this person to find me. It sounded like the person was getting farther and farther away so I decided it was safe to get up. Slowly, so as to not strain my aching body I raised my self on my elbows. Carefully I looked around.
I was lying in a small divet in a mountain of rubble. Bits of wood, cement, rock and plaster completely covered the ground. A loose wire was sparking a few feet away. The sorry-looking base of a house was nearby, as were a few other small structures that looked like they had once been homes as well. Farther in the distance there were partially destroyed homes but everything around me had been flattened out. Thinking back to the planes I realized a bomb must've been dropped near here. Warily I scanned the sky again but there was no aircraft in sight.
I cautiously stood up and looked around again but I seemed to be the only other person around here. Picking no particular direction I set off that way. I had to constantly go around large pieces of rock or sharp metal and kept stepping over more rubble. Soon I discovered I was not the only person there, I was just the only one who was alive and moving around. Walking around the second body I'd come across, I caught the sound of sirens. Of course the police and ambulances would be arriving soon. They couldn't just leave everyone there without even checking to see if they were alive. Briefly I considered just waiting here until the EMTs came but I decided it was best just to keep moving.
It took several more minutes to get out of the field of rubble and into an area where the destruction was less complete. Bits and pieces of things were still laying about but it was easier to walk now that there was an actual road. Houses were half gone with only parts of the first floors still standing. Whatever caused the collapse of these houses also caused them to explode outwards as furniture, pictures and other house decorations were littered across the sidewalks. Although I wasn't really sure where to go, I thought it would be best to find other people, so I headed towards the sirens and flashing lights in the distance. I hadn't gotten far when a young firefighter ran out from behind a large pile of debris and towards me.
"Hey! Are you all right? What happened to your head?" he asked upon reaching me.
"My head..." I hadn't realized there was anything wrong with my head, although that would explain the headache. Instinctively I reached a hand up to my forehead but the fireman grabbed my wrist before I felt anything.
"Don't touch it." he warned. Reaching down he opened what looked like a medical bag and pulled out some bandages and a cloth. "Here," he said handing me the cloth, "Press that to your head. We'll need to get you stitch..."
An incredibly loud BOOM! interrupted him mid-sentence. Grabbing my arm he yanked me into a crouch and covered my head as the air filled with fire and shrapnel. As we stood back up, I turned around to see firemen all running towards a building now engulfed in blazing flames. The fireman with me swore. He turned to look at me. "Look I've got to go help them, you need to get somewhere safe. You should probably head that way," he pointed the direction I'd been heading. "There are people there who will help you. Take the bandages and go." He shoved me off down the road. As he ran towards the fire he called back. "Go find your parents!"
I watched them fight the fire for a few minutes before I continued walking. Pressing the now blood-soaked cloth to my head I thought about what the firefighter had said. "go find your parents!" You should probably do that, I told myself, only thing was I couldn't actually remember my last name or my parents names so that wasn't really going to help. Deciding to worry about that later and walked away from the chaos and into even more chaos.




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They continued to call but I didn't answer back. I seemed to at least know I didn't want this person to find me. It sounded like the person was getting farther and farther away so I decided it was safe to get up. Slowly, so as to not strain my aching body I raised my self on my elbows.


After reading the entire piece, this part still didn't seem to make sense. If Megan can't remember her last name or parent's name, why does she know that she didn't want the person to find her?

Bits of wood, cement, rock and plaster completely covered the ground. A loose wire was sparking a few feet away. The sorry-looking base of a house was nearby, as were a few other small structures that looked like they had once been homes as well. Farther in the distance there were partially destroyed homes but everything around me had been flattened out. Thinking back to the planes I realized a bomb must've been dropped near here. Warily I scanned the sky again but there was no aircraft in sight.
I cautiously stood up and looked around again but I seemed to be the only other person around here.


Where's the feeling? You describe the scene well however what does Megan feel about all this?

Soon I discovered I was not the only person there, I was just the only one who was alive and moving around. Walking around the second body I'd come across, I caught the sound of sirens. Of course the police and ambulances would be arriving soon.


Again, where's the feeling? You have Megan act like being the only one alive is totally normal. Also, ideally I would expect that the police and ambulances and firetrucks would already be there along with helicopters.

"Hey! Are you all right? What happened to your head?" he asked upon reaching me.


"alright" not "all right". Also, a firefighter wouldn't say "Hey" or "what happened to your head". Most of the firefighter's dialogue was informal and as such unrealistic. Try to make the firefighter less like a friend.

An incredibly loud BOOM! interrupted him mid-sentence.


BOOM! is not needed...just boom is fine.

I watched them fight the fire for a few minutes before I continued walking.


Describe! How did they "fight the fire"?

Overall:

This was a good start! I think the few things you should work on is description, feeling, and grammar. You don't use commas or apostrophes much at all. Description was a nice start as well though there's always room to make a better visual picture for your reader. One of the most useful writing tips I've ever gotten is to always remember the five senses. Sight, hearing, taste, touch, and smell. This has a lot of potential, I hope you keep it up!

JC
Give hugs not bombs or whatever that saying says




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Hey,

First off, some suggestions:

The sky was gray; although it wasn't cloudy. But it had been a sunny day, very bright and warm, this morning. It looked almost like it was snowing. Not directly above me but off in the distance I could clearly see small specks falling from the sky. That was very odd (repetition), considering it was April and we hadn't had any snow at all this year. What had happened to cause all this? I remembered the planes and the bombs and everyone running around screaming but I couldn't remember why I was lying on the ground. I was very tired and my head hurt, there seemed to be no harm in just resting for a few minutes... Just as my eyelids were closing I heard someone call out my name (I thought she couldn't remember her name? To make it more mysterious, why don't you just say "calling"?).


"Megan! Megan can you hear me?"
The voice sounded male and seemed very familiar but I couldn't place it. They continued to call but I didn't answer back. I seemed to at least know I didn't want this person to find me. (Good bit of mystery here) It sounded like the person was getting farther and farther away so I decided it was safe to get up. Slowly, so as to not strain my aching body I raised my self on my elbows. Carefully I looked around.
I was lying in a small divet in a mountain of rubble. Bits of wood, cement, rock and plaster completely covered the ground. A loose wire was sparking a few feet away. The sorry-looking base of a house was nearby, as were a few other small structures that looked like they had once been homes as well. Farther in the distance there were partially destroyed homes but everything around me had been flattened out. Thinking back to the planes I realized a bomb must've (No point in the abbreviation: must have) been dropped near here. Warily I scanned the sky again but there was no aircraft in sight.
I cautiously stood up and looked around again: I seemed to be the only other person around here. Picking no particular direction I set off that way. I had to constantly go around large pieces of rock or sharp metal and kept stepping over more rubble. Soon I discovered I was not the only person there, I was just the only one who was alive and moving around. (Very good!) Walking around the second body I'd come across, I caught the sound of sirens. Of course the police and ambulances would be arriving soon. They couldn't just leave everyone there without even checking to see if they were alive. Briefly I considered just waiting here until the EMTs (I may be just being stupid but what's an "EMT"? Always introduce the full phrase before making it an acronym) came but I decided it was best just to keep moving.
It took several more minutes to get out of the field of rubble and into an area where the destruction was less complete. Bits and pieces of things were still laying about but it was easier to walk now that there was an actual road. Houses were half gone with only parts of the first floors still standing. Whatever caused the collapse of these houses also caused them to explode outwards as furniture, pictures and other house decorations were littered across the sidewalks. Although I wasn't really sure where to go, I thought it would be best to find other people, so I headed towards the sirens and flashing lights in the distance. I hadn't gotten far when a young firefighter ran out from behind a large pile of debris and towards me.


"Hey! Are you all right? What happened to your head?" he asked upon reaching me.
"My head..." I hadn't realized there was anything wrong with my head, although that would explain the headache. Instinctively I reached a hand up to my forehead but the fireman grabbed my wrist before I felt anything.
"Don't touch it." he warned. Reaching down he opened what looked like a medical bag and pulled out some bandages and a cloth. "Here," he said handing me the cloth, "Press that to your head. We'll need to get you stitch..."
An incredibly loud BOOM! (Try and find away of introducing the sound with capitalising it) interrupted him mid-sentence. Grabbing my arm he yanked me into a crouch and covered my head as the air filled with fire and shrapnel. As we stood back up, I turned around to see firemen all running towards a building now engulfed in blazing flames. The fireman with me swore. He turned to look at me. "Look I've got to go help them, you need to get somewhere safe. You should probably head that way," he pointed the direction I'd been heading. "There are people there who will help you. Take the bandages and go." He shoved me off down the road. As he ran towards the fire he called back. "Go find your parents!"
I watched them fight the fire for a few minutes before I continued walking. Pressing the now blood-soaked cloth to my head I thought about what the firefighter had said. "go find your parents!" You should probably do that, I told myself, only thing was I couldn't actually remember my last name or my parents names so that wasn't really going to help. Deciding to worry about that later and walked away from the chaos and into even more chaos.



Good work! I'd love to read more. You describe the scene perfectly, and I like the emergence of a hint of mystery. You should definitely follow this plot up. However, don't go anywhere the World Wars. There too much overdone, and this could be a lot more. (Obviously I don't know if you were or not. Just saying. :) )

Keep up the good work! Feel free to PM when/if you post the next part.
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Just thought I'd tell you that this caught my attention. The description and feeling of it was amazing. I will read the next part for sure.
Oh, one thing:
What time is this set in? I'm pretty sure it's modern-day, but could you specify that a little better? Thanks.
Let me know when you post the next chapter. :P

~Crazy
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Look to Jesus.:)




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I really like this. You seem to be able to explain your surroundings, which is something I can't do with my story. I am writing one similar to this, similar at least in setting.

Your voice flows nicely. I really like it. There were no choppy parts, or anything for me to pick out.

The only thing I don't like is that you don't explain her feelings. Isn't she the least bit worried that her family and friends might be dead? That her home was destroyed?

Keep writing.

Classy




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Great beginning! The way you described the attack was great, it reminds of short clips of building collapses or attacks. You made it realistic, though the fireman most likely in real life would of made sure you got to an EMT before heading into the explosion/fire. And if someone was calling for her, why would she just lay there until their voice faded away? Wouldn't she try to yell back for help or scream? Otherwise, you got a great story going and you should definitely continue it!
"If there's a book you really want to read, but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it." ~Toni Morrison



Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
— Plato