Monarch Butterfly [2]

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Okay Chapter two is complete :)


_______________________________________
Chapter Two: I Like Shiny Things!

I quickly made my way to the couch I had left Carla on only to see her not there. Although, Mark was.
“Where is she?” I growled at him.
He stood up quickly and studied my expression. I probably looked like shit, my make up all messed up and all. “Whoa, what happened to you?”
“You lost her?” I asked, clearly upset.
“Uh, not…well…”
I shoved his shoulders and he fell back. “Damn it,” I hissed.
“Ow, Mel, please!” He rubbed his butt. “She went home with Sean!” he confessed.
I rolled my eyes and rubbed my temples, this was not my day. Well at least that was one less thing to worry about. Sean was someone I probably could trust with her. I felt like I was going to have a headache so I went to the kitchen and pulled out a bottle of vodka from Justin’s father’s cabinet. I popped open the bottle and drank straight from it. I leaned on the counter and glared at the stair case across the room. Of course he wouldn’t come down, he was probably finishing what he started, that backing stabbing son of a…
I don’t know where the time went or what was going on but within those couple of hours I had made my way to the bathroom.
I gripped the toilet with shaky hands as I leaned my face closer to the bowl. I felt my stomach clench and churn as I gagged. My vision had already begun to rot and I didn’t exactly care. I wouldn’t mind passing out at this moment. I made a sour face, seeing a vague reflection of my long curly strands of black hair stick to my cheeks with sweat. My dark eye makeup smeared around my eyebrows inside the murky water.
Oh, it’s coming!
I heaved; my body rolling forward as hot gut soup came rolling through my esophagus. I opened my mouth and barfed up whatever the hell it was into the round toilet bowl. The heavy smell made its way up my nose but I was way beyond that to care. Tears slipped from my eyes and I moaned, pleadingly. Why does it hurt when you puke?
I reached over and flushed the toilet, seeing the dark material twirl and drain into a place I wasn’t so sure of. I took a few breaths of air and then slowly stood up. I dizzily walked over to the sink. I washed my hands with some soap, feeling my stomach quiet down a little. I kept the water running as I leaned down and splashed my face with some water. Sure my make-up was going to look like crap but whatever, I needed to get out of here.
I picked up my large purse and slowly walked out of the bathroom. The loud rap music hit me just as the door flung open. That was giving me a headache. I shoved my way through the dancing bodies and passionate couples, heading towards the exit of Justin’s house. That bastard, I can’t believe he cheated on me. I can’t believe he would dare bring another girl into his room, during his party when his damn girlfriend was there! Did he have a brain?
The cold air made the inside of my bones shiver as I stepped out of the large house. I drunkenly crossed the lawn, stopping a few times to regain some mentality and, well, balance. I even contemplated going back and bashing him up with a lamp. That would have been an easy revenge plan.
I looked at the woods next to his house and spotted something. I rubbed my crappy eyes and squinted, trying to catch a clear look. It was a flash of yellow and red, two small little dots in the middle that looked like fiery gems. They were twinkling at me – beckoning me to come closer.
Of course in this condition I would listen to them. I smiled. “So pretty,” I cooed. I made my way to the entrance of the large woods, tripping constantly on my way there. “Yoo-hoo?” I sang, a little too loudly. The pair of gems suddenly moved and backed away, disappearing.
“No, come back!” I cried, feeling tears boil up in the corner of my eyes. “You can’t leave me, too!” I quickly ran after it. My heels were thin and frequently made me trip and fall over a couple large branches that were in my way. The dark trees seemed to watch me as I quickly made my way in, like a lost child. Sheer cold wind brushed my cheeks and hands, making them go numb. Although I was so fixated on the moving gems that I didn’t give a shit.
My eyes widened as I saw the gems again. My lips parted and a soft smile drew itself on my lips. “Hey, kitty,” I whispered, taking a few steps towards it.
It didn’t move this time. As I approached, I could make out what they really were. They weren’t dancing gems or little fairies. They were eyes. Strong, blazing, orange colored eyes. I gasped, noticing those eyes weren’t the only thing that was weird. Underneath, there were marks, little dots and five dark, tiger-like strips painted below.
This wasn’t a tiger or an animal… or a kitty. It was a boy, around my age, maybe. He wasn’t tall and he wasn’t short either. He was tenderly built and had this messy shaggy hair that draped itself over his forehead. He was dressed in some strange clothing with jewels and long drapes that matched his amazing eyes. Come on dude, it’s not Halloween yet.
I grinned with wide eyes. “Hey, cutie,” I said flirtatiously. Of course, I would say such a stupid thing, I was freaking drunk and…messed up. A little.
His stare was both bewildered and angry. “Leave,” he hissed, lowering to a glare.
“I donwanna,” I puckered my bottom lip and made a sad puppy face.
He wasn’t impressed. “Leave,” he repeated.
Something was wrong, I felt my stomach twist again and I suddenly leaned over. I moved a little to my right and got support from a large tree. “I gonna throw up!” I cried like a child.
His eyes scrunched together and his mouth twisted.
My body lunged forward. I opened my mouth and dispelled the liquid that so dearly needed to come out. I heard it splat onto the ground and I laughed. My bones suddenly needed to take a nap. I yawned and sat on the floor. I was so done with this. I dropped down, falling into a deep sleep.
*****
I moaned, feeling my back ache. I slowly moved up to sit and then looked around the foreign room. Long drapes hung elegantly over the windows and on the floor, were Persian rugs. I blinked, surprised. Where the hell was I? I pulled off the silk covers and stepped onto the floor. I looked down at myself and I wasn’t wearing the same jeans and tank top as the night before. I was in a long bright orange silk nightgown. I wondered whether I was that dirty that I needed to be changed.
Okay, talk about weird.
The rest of the room was filled with decorative little objects and shiny mirrors and such. It was quite intriguing in my mind. I walked over to the window and opened the heavy curtains.
“Holy…shit.” I was in the middle of a forest. Up in a large tree and around the other trees were more tree houses with other people. All of them with different colored eyes, odd clothing and weird marks around their faces. I gulped, hoping I was in some sort of crazy dream. I slapped myself once. “Wake up, Mel,” I hissed. No luck. I blinked open my eyes and they were still there. I looked closer and few of them had antennas coming out of their heads, like freaking butterflies.
I closed my eyes and turned around. “Okay, Mel, you’re in a weird room and there are weird people outside. This is not a dream, so where in the world are you?”
My fingers began to tremble a little with confusion. I decided to search the room for any of my belongings. Really, I just needed my cell phone. I turned the whole room upside down searching for it. Throwing things here and there, honestly I was just a little too anxious to find it. I dropped onto the floor and crawled like a crab under the bed but found nothing.
I stood up, my hair a mess. I stomped over to the other side of the bed. My foot got stuck in some fabric I had tossed earlier and I slipped. “Whoa!” I waved my arms frantically in the air, aiming to retain some balance. I quickly reached for the long curtains that hung over the bed, clutching them in my hand. I lost it, my balance, the world tipped as I fell down with a thud, sending vibrations underneath me.
I hadn’t noticed the door had flung open within the last few seconds and there was a boy watching me with a disturbed look on his face.
I moaned and rolled around like a fat sea lion.
“Please, can you not make so much noise?” he hissed. He quietly shut the door behind him and walked over to me, squatting down.
I swear to god he looked familiar, like I’ve seen him before but it hurt my head to remember. He had glossy orange eyes and those same weird marks underneath them. His dark hair was neatly groomed and the silky hairs silently swept over his eyes. Wow, he was actually really, really cute. I mean, for a complete weirdo. Ack, what was I thinking?
I yelped and crawled back a little. “Who are you?”
“Shh!” he hissed, putting a finger up to his lips. “Please be quiet, no one knows you are here.”
I stared at him, trying to figure this whole thing out. I couldn’t remember much of anything from yesterday so I decided to ask him. “What happened? Why am I here? What is this place?” I asked quickly with slurred words.
He closed his eyes, biding his irritation. “Look, female, I told you to leave yesterday but yet you decided to stay. You even had the decency to fall asleep in my presence, announcing your ‘bones’ needed to take a nap.” He was glaring at me now, “It is against the code for us men to leave a female in distress. Although the covenant never stated whether a female human applied to the same rules.”
“What?” I spat, utterly confused.
“I think it’s best if I take you back to where I found you, with your memory erased.”
Last edited by Shearwater on Tue Feb 09, 2010 6:54 pm, edited 8 times in total.
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-W. Somerset Maugham




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Hey girl! Classy here.

Only found two things!

I drunkenly crossed the lawn, stopping a few times to regain some mentality and, well balance.

-comma after 'well', also.

“You can’t leave me either!”

-“You can’t leave me, too.” I believe.

Characters
I highly suggest creating a few chapters before this. I think we don't know your character enough. I don't even know her name. It would be easier to get why she was so angry about her boyfriend if we knew what he was like, looked like, and how long their relationship is.
But, if you are heading in the direction of: her memory gets erased but then she finds hims again, then I think you are fine. I just need more information of her home life, first, before you get into the huge, awesome story.

Plot
I really like this. I think it's going to be a wonderful, beautiful story. Everything in this chapter drew me in and made me want to read more. You are a wonderful writer, Pinky.

Classy




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Hey Pink, Stella here!

I. NITPICKS

with inhuman strength as I gagged.


Not sure about inhuman to describe the actions of an organ.

long curly strands of black hair stick to my cheeks


I always find if hair is plastered to your face, it isn't curly.

heading towards the exit of Julian’s house.


Hang on, she's in his house? There's a toilet cubicle? What?

and, well balance.


Another comma after "well."

I smiled, “So pretty,” I cooed.


Full stop after smiled.

Okay, talk about weird.


Just to say, I like the effect of this line. I was about to construct a point about how cliché your last paragraph is, but this counters it neatly.

“Okay, Mel, you’re in a weird room and there are weird people outside. This is not a dream, so where in the world am I?”


are you, maybe?

stated weather


whether.

"I think it’s best if I take you back to where I found you, your memory erased.”


With your memory erased, maybe?

II. OVERALL

I don't have any big specific issues, so I'll just list my small ones instead. Firstly, though this isn't an issue with the piece, I wasn't aware whether or not this is going to be continued, I assume it is.

Secondly, fine, put her in a bed in a room, but why dress her in a silk dress? Do they not have night clothes? If not, surely her own clothes will do just fine? It seemed sort of odd and just a plot point. Which you need, admittedly. But explain it.

Other than that, I'd like to see more character, she's very 2-D.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010




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Awesome, thanks Stella, I didn't notice the mistakes.
I've reviewed and edited this part. :)
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
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I stared at him, trying to figure this whole thing out. I couldn’t remember much of anything from yesterday so I decided to ask him. “What happened? Why am I here? What is this place?” I asked quickly with slurred words.

You use ask and asked too close together. It comes away here as clumsy. ‘I fumbled over the questions, slurring them together.’ Maybe?

Your Experiment:
I think there are many people who could fall in love with this story, I already have. :) As said add some story before and I’m sure we’ll grow to love [insert girl’s name].

Characters:
Names. Defiantly need names along with more depth a personality. Your boy already seems to have one though. ^^

Description:
I find there to be too much too quickly. In the unknown room I was trying to imagine it but there was so much so quickly I got confused. :(

Overall:
I find myself wanting to know what these people are and what the plot is in this story. I also find myself hoping someone finds out she’s there, like a fiancé forced on the boy? :smt002 I would love to see what happens next. Your story is intriguing and enchanting as a fantasy should be. You have my support. I think you should continue with this plot bunny.

Keep writing.
We've all been broken in some way. It's just how we express it that makes us dffrent form eachother.

“This precious book of love, this unbound lover,
To beautify him only lacks a cover.”
~William Shakespeare, The Tragedy of Romeo and Juliet




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Hey Pink!

Everyone got here before me so I don't have any nitpicks. I like the fast pace of this, no issue whatsoever. I assume you will be adding more details about her life in the next chapters, yes?

I really enjoyed this piece. I really didn't have time to read it tonight but I read the first sentence and thought 'what the hell.' Very nice. Pm me for the next?

Tanya :D




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Ok, so this is basically the same piece as before and I enjoy it as much, especially since we now have some background on Melanie.

I really only have one question: Why doesn't she storm out of the house like a bat out of hell? I would have. I might have gone for the alcohol but then I was definitely gone. She might have wanted to nurse the bottle and so she remained near the forest, licking her wounds or something. Anyway, that's just my question for the day :D

Tanya



Nothing says criminal activity like strong bones. ;)
— Magebird