Mark of The Stones Chapter 2

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Mark of the stones

Chapter 2:

“Mom?” I muttered as someone patted my shoulder to wake me up. I had a splitting headache. “Mom, I had the strangest dream…” I continued… When my eyes got clearer, I noticed that this wasn’t my room.
It was a strange place, filled with knickknacks of all sorts. Crystal balls, statuettes, and strange stuffed animals filled the shelves in the room, hanging on the walls, depictions of various scenes from ancient history; the battle of Troy, The building of the Parthenon and the Conquest of Alexander the Great. All the picture and paintings were framed by ivory or mother of pearl.
The only picture that was differently framed was the largest picture of all. It had a gold frame adorned with gems like rubies and emeralds It was a painting woman, she seemed to glow and she was sitting on a cloud reaching out to a man who was standing on the ground.. I stared at the picture for a while. Something about the woman seemed so familiar. She was a beautiful woman with curly, dark brown hair, skin as pale as the moon and soft and endearing brown eyes. A wave of comfort washed over me. I felt safe, I didn’t know why but I did.
I was taken out of my dazed state by the knocking of a girl on the door. She seemed young, maybe fifteen-ish. She was wearing a loose dress- like a toga. I realized that I didn’t have clothes on. I quickly jumped under the sheets. What was more embarrassing than waking up in a strange place, naked? She giggled. I bit my lip; I wanted to ask her so many questions. Which ones were the right ones to ask?
She simply strode across the room ignoring me. She went over to a small table with more of those little trinkets and boxes.
“Umm. Hi.” I said carefully from under the blanket that was pulled up until my nose. She didn’t even turn. A bit annoyed, I tried to think of something else to say to get her attention. While I was debating with myself, she had already placed herself beside me.
“Hey, where am I?” I asked. She didn’t answer, instead she just smiled. Then she handed me three shiny, white pills.
I didn’t know what to do. What if they were laced with poison or something? The girl waited intently, carefully watching me. Okay, this was awkward. I still held the pills in my open palm, she pushed my hand toward me and gestured me to swallow. “No!” I objected.
The girl said something in a fluid language I couldn’t understand. Then, once again, gestured me to take the pills. I just stared at the pills sitting on my sweaty palms. Her smile faded, she took the pills from me and I felt a bit relieved. She said something in the language again but this time, it sounded like she was talking before she di something she didn’t want to do.
She took a goblet of water and put it by my bedside table. I didn’t expect what she was going to do next. She pinched my nose, forcing me to open my mouth, then, popped in the pills, following quickly with water. I tried to spit it out but she covered my mouth with her palm. I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t breathe so I was forced to swallow the water. Once I swallowed, she let go. I gasped for air.
The girl relaxed and sat on the foot of my bed, her smile returned but this time it was an apologetic look that spread across her face. “Forgive me, I did not want to do that, but I had to.” She smiled.
I believed her, there was no explanation why I did. A few moments passed. “Do you still not understand me?” her forehead creased as she asked.
“Wha- what? Oh… yeah, I understand you.” I said dumbly, realizing a second late that she was talking to me.
“Oh, good.” She smiled, her hair bounced as she said it. She turned slightly to get something she had set on the bed earlier, and then she handed it to me. They were clothes. I sighed with relief.
“You can change there.” She pointed at a door.
I pulled the blanket, wrapping it around me, pressing the clothes to my chest. She skipped there and opened the door for me. “Thanks.” I mumbled.
It was a small room with mirrors, no windows and a small stool. After I had changed, I looked at myself in the mirror. The clothes that the girl had given me fit perfectly, as if they were made especially for me. She had given me a simple white, Grecian dress that hung loosely around my legs until under my knees. Along with it came two silk ribbons that I assume was for cinching the dress around my waist or tying my hair. When I was done, I stepped out of the room. The girl was waiting patiently, sitting on my bed with the smile still on her face.
“I knew that dress would be perfect for you.” She smiled even wider. “Shall we go? They are waiting for you.” She stood up and came closer, offering her hand to me.
I swallowed. They? Who are they? Uh-oh, maybe I was kidnapped and I was about to meet my abductors. My heart started to race. The girl seemed innocent enough, but what about the people she worked for? I felt a bit dizzy as fear started to consume my thoughts.
The girl must have sensed my nervousness and hesitation, so she just gently took my hand that was frozen at my side. “Don’t worry; the council will not do you any harm.” She said reassuringly. I tried to force my stiff legs to move.
She led me out of the room into a corridor, I just realized we were on a second floor, the windows quite ornate and it overlooked a city. I couldn’t help myself; I peeked out of one of the large windows, down to the street. Apparently, we weren’t just on the second floor. We were way up. It was a nauseating view, but it was nice, the streets weren’t covered in cement or concrete, it was just cobblestone with some patches of dry earth. The streets below were busy, full of people wearing clothes that looked almost identical with dull, earthy colors. Only a few dashes of color like an eye grabbing scarf or head dress. The view that really astonished me was the breathtaking vista of a seemingly ancient city. It was a city made of stone, not metal and glass, the building looked like they jumped out of the history books. Ancient Greece was alive again. It didn’t make any sense; the room, the clothes, the dress, the pills. All of these things were so confusing. The girl pulled my hand again; she led me down the desolate corridors. There were unlit torches on the wall.
“What is your name?” she asked, probably hoping to break the silence. We turned left.
“Alice.” I replied precariously.
“That’s such a nice name. Mine name is Thea, short for Galatea.” We turned right. The windows were gone; the torches in this hall were the only sources of light. I felt kind of excited or nervous, a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach tried to tell me to run. The girl just kept walking straight, not seeming to mind her surroundings. Everything went silent again.
Then, I stopped dead in my tracks. I realized what was going on, it was a dream, no, a nightmare. They dolled me up before feeding me to the beast. The girl realized that hers was the only footsteps she could hear. She stopped and turned around to see what was keeping me.
I had to escape. I wasn’t going to let myself be eaten or tortured, if it was a dream, it would be over soon anyway, I just had to still be alive before I woke up. I looked around, nobody was there. Good, I could escape and nobody could stop me.
Thea’s forehead creased again, “Miss Alice?” she asked.
I quickly turned and bolted. Thea ran after me, “Miss Alice! Wait! Don’t run...”
I didn’t see where I was going, I didn’t know if I could find my way out of this dark labyrinth. As I tried to run, I tripped over an unlit torch that had fallen on the floor. I picked it up and lit it. I was running again. At least I could see where I was going now. My heart pounded in my ears.
Repensum est canicula.

Veni, vidi, nates calce concidi!




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Hello again

Another enjoyable chapter! I'm really getting interested in the plot. That's good :) Now on to my nitpicking around...

When you describe the room she wakes up in, you start to infodump a bit. Infodumping, in case you are unaware, is when you basically list a bunch of things all at once dumping all this info on the reader and it is overwhelming and often some of the info isn't required.

Give the most important aspects of the room, the ones that stand out the most. And try to give them in a way that's not a long list of description. Think of if it were you waking up in an unfamiliar room. What would you notice first? What else would jump out at you? Certainly not every detail would make itself present at once.

The same goes for the city. She probably had only a very short look out this window and she is high above the city. What would be noticed first? What other important details stand out? What amount of detail would she actually be able to make out from that height?

I like the girl, Thea. I don't really know why, I just feel like you represented her very well. She seems quiet and friendly and young. I don't know, I just like her. :)

One last thing... When she picks up the torch near the end and lights it, how does she light it? Was there something nearby to light it with? You said the torched were unlit in the hallway. Make sure you have a logical method for her lighting the torch.

Anyways, good job! Can't wait to see what comes next! PM me if you have any questions!

-Lauren
Got YWS?




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Hey again Tree Hugger :)

It was a painting woman - I think you meant 'It was a painting of a woman'

I said carefully from under the blanket that was pulled up until my nose. - It doesn't seem right to have 'until' on this sentence, to me it doesn't seem quite right. How about you use 'was pulled up to my nose'.

it sounded like she was talking before she di something she didn’t want to do. - I think you missed a D out here. 'it sounded like she was talking before she did something'

Uh-oh, maybe I was kidnapped and I was about to meet my abductors. - I don't like this sentence, it seems a little weird and not like something someone would actually think. Perhaps consider revising this.

Character - I still feel like I don't know Alice well enough to care so much about what is going on. I think you really need to work on her characterisation. This chapter is better but her thoughts are a bit all over the place. She seems to do quick 180 turns in her thinking that apparently come out of nowhere and it makes her hard to relate to. First she is sure she is safe in the place and the next minute she is running away? It is a little weird and somewhat confusing. It's a shame that Alice isn't jumping off the page because Thea seemed like a much more fleshed out character and I really got a sense of her character by the way she talked and the actions you described that she did. So maybe just apply some of the to Alice's character so that the reader can get to know her better.

Pacing - I like the pacing of this chapter, it didn't seem as rushed as the last chapter but I still don't think it is the right sort of pacing. Perhaps it would have been nice if you had given Alice time to wander around the room exploring and touching things for herself before Thea comes in. Overall pacing wise I think it's a bit too soon for her to be placed in this world in chapter 2 but I told you that in the last review.

Dialogue - The dialogue was better here. I got a sense of at least Thea's character from the way she spoke and I think you conveyed Alice's confusion well through her dialogue here. So keep that up! Bad dialogue usually kills a story so just make sure that you give it enough attention.

Description - Like the dialogue, the description was better in this chapter aswell. Still a little clunky in places but some of the chunks of dialogue you had were pretty nice. So just again when you look it over to edit just make sure that you see if you can make the description flow better.

Overall I like this chapter better than the last one but I think you really need to consider your characterisation of Alice because she is the main character and if she isn't working then there isn't much hope for your story but I think you can do it because you did it with Thea.

If you have any questions then just PM me!

Bex x
'The creation of a single world comes from a huge number of fragments and chaos.' - Hayao Miyazaki




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You have some mistakes in here. I would suggest reading your story out loud, it really helps. You are so used to your own words that you can't pick out what's wrong with it, to therefore you need to read it in a different voice than that of inside your head. So read it out loud, trust me. ;)


Plot

I am so interested, but also really scared. I feel like you are moving too fast. In this chapter, so many new things happen, but none of the previous problems are explained. Where is she? Why is she? Where is home? How did she get there? I just need to know those things before getting into the plot.


Creativeness

The pill part was magical. Once I realised what it was, I felt like I was reading a book, it felt like something out of Harry Potter, but better.
Everything in your story is a bit cliche. The labyrinth, the torches on the walls, waking up with a young girl to help you out in a new distant land. I think the story would go much better if you added more touches that make it different. Like, instead of going right into a safe area, like the home she woke up in, she can be introduced to some danger. Like waking up outside the land where she must go, and she has to run into the village and find a safe place to hide. Something like that. (ignore my blabbing)


overall
I am excited to read what is coming next. well done.

Classy




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I'm sorry, I haven't written in a while. This is actually an "old" story. I got a bad case of writer's block. So I wasn't able to read it or edit before posting here. I didn't even realize that I had made those mistakes. Anyways, thanks guys! I'll keep those comments in mind when writing the next chapters and editing these ones.
Repensum est canicula.

Veni, vidi, nates calce concidi!



Have you met a cow or another large animal?
— Liminality