Unsure of title yet but I'll go with Mark Of The Stones

I haven't really edited it yet, I was hoping you guys could help me out:
This isn't the original version, original was a guy and third person style writing.
Mark of the Stones
Chapter 1

“Mom, I’m going out to the fields.” I called out to my mother who was busy cooking in our old country styled kitchen.
“Sure darling. Just be sure to get back before dark. Charles called and said that there were wild dogs in the area.” She called back, not looking up from what she was doing. I turned and rushed towards the door but she quickly added.
“Oh, and Alice, could you tell your father to finish up in the barn. You know how he likes to linger… we have to go to town early tomorrow.” My eyes rolled as I walked out the door. I hated town, so many people always looking at me with their cold eyes. They weren’t used to seeing a city girl there, even if I did grow up here.
A cool breeze welcomed me as I looked out toward the farm. I made my way up to the sheep pasture. The big boulder there always seemed to calm my nerves.
As I sat in my usual spot on the boulder, I started to think. Appraising my life, taking into account what had happened in my life recently. In six months, I had lost four jobs, all due to bankruptcy and foreclosure. My apartment building burned down and my boyfriend left me for another woman. It seemed that bad luck followed me everywhere.
I started fiddling with a twig, pushing small stones around and writing my name in the dirt. As I began to draw assorted shapes and lines, I etched a plus sign, then, its opposite, a minus sign. It got me thinking about the two poles of a magnet. Positive and negative. That means, if I had extremely bad luck, then, I’d attract someone with extremely good luck, theoretically, I mean, following the principle, opposites attract.
Perhaps in the sea of people I will meet in my life, I might just catch the attention of Mr. Positive. Or… perhaps not. But it is an interesting idea anyway.
I noticed a lamb starting to linger at the edge of the encroaching forest. Well, that was annoying, letting a sheep get away while I daydreamed. I hopped off the boulder and dropped my stick. I followed the lamb into the forest. I didn’t want to hear anything from my parents about letting a lamb get away.
Stepping over an overgrown root into the forest, something felt eerily wrong. The shadows of the huge trees in the forest seemed even more ominous and intimidating than usual, especially with the day coming to a close. My parents used to tell me scary stories about the forest and about the things that came out of the forest. But those are just scary stories, right?
I tripped on a root. “Oh man” I muttered. The lamb just led me even deeper into the dark forest. I thought I had lost it. I couldn’t see it anymore, but it started bleating. I followed the sound. It sounded hurt.
As I pushed aside a branch, I found the lamb resting beside a stump. “There you are.” I said, relieved that I finally caught up with it.
Suddenly, something, a twig, snapped behind me. Then, a bush started rustling. I noticed a fallen branch; I furtively picked it up and headed toward the sound. The thing, whatever it was, started circling me. My heart started to race. I didn’t know where it was. Then, I had a hunch; I quickly turned and lurched forward. A blinding flash of light covered my vision. When my vision returned, I was on the ground, everything was still hazy. My lids were so heavy and my ears were ringing. The last thing I remember seeing was someone in a green cloak.

Hola!

First of all, check out this tutorial on dialogue punctuation. You need to brush up on the grammar aspects of dialogue a bit, but that's easy to fix. Also, semi-colons. When you have two complete sentences, make sure to separate them with a semi-colon (;) instead of a comma.

My favorite part was the bit about opposites attract, with the magnets. It was definitely an interesting thought, and would make a hilarious romantic comedy, although I doubt you're going in that direction.

As for the overall story, I think the predominant issue here is that the lamb getting away doesn't seem important enough. Your prose is very casual and easy-- which can be a good thing --but since this is a first chapter, it needs to draw your readers in with something exciting that's happening. Alice's tone of voice is very unconcerned and kind of detached, in a way. I've noticed you use a lot of shorter sentences. I think connecting some of these sentences, elongating them, and adding description would help set a more interesting tone for the piece.

Connecting into Alice's emotions more, as well, will help draw the readers into your story. As each event unfolds (lamb trails off, she runs after it, she trips, the appearance of another creature) keep up with how she's reacting.

All in all, an enjoyable read. ^^ Just work on sprucing up the writing itself to keep up with the plot. PM me for anything!

~Evi

Hey Tree Hugger

“Sure darling. Just be sure to get back before dark. Charles called and said that there were wild dogs in the area.” - l don't like this piece of dialogue. There isn't much emotion in it and it feels like you are just using the mother as a pawn for your plot devices. You need to be careful not to do that in stories, it can ruin the character. Even if they are just minor characters.

But it is an interesting idea anyway. - I feel like this line is a bit too much like she is talking to the reader rather than her musing over the idea. Personally I don't like it when it feels like a character is talking directly to me. It breaks something known in theatre and film called The Fourth Wall. Sometimes it can affect the believability of your world. So just be careful with that.

But those are just scary stories, right? - You kind of do it again here. Maybe it's the style you want to write it but it just bothers me. I also think this line is really obvious. You're practically telling the audience that something bad or scary is going to happen rather than creating that scary eerie feeling.

The last thing I remember seeing was someone in a green cloak. - This feels a little too obvious as well and a little too cliched. Just be careful with these kind of lines.

Characters/Pacing - I put these two together because in this story they kind of go hand in hand. Pacing wise it is all a bit too fast. It's just one after the other. I always find that in Chapter 1s you should give the reader room to get to know your character and the environment they are in. Basically you need to do the setup. It's kind of like the classic 3 Act structure you usually find in films. You need to set up before you have the event that sends the character on their journey. Because you have paced this a bit too quickly the reader doesn't have time to get to know the character properly and you as a writer don't have a chance to flesh out the character before something happens to them. The reason this is bad is because if the reader doesn't know the character well enough then they won't care if something happens to them. I know set ups can be a bit dull to do but you need them in order for your reader to properly engage as a character. As it is at the moment, the reader might give up on reading this book because they aren't properly engaged. So just try to pace it more slowly, set up her relationship with her parents. Maybe have her wander around the farm more and dwell on her thoughts about her past. As you have it now she thinks about her past for like a paragraph and so it is over really quickly. So yeah just think about the pacing when you go back to edit this.

Dialogue - There wasn't much dialogue in this piece but I mentioned it before about being careful not to use your character's dialogue as a way to divulge plot information and if you do you need to do it better, so that it sounds more natural. That is something to think about when you continue this story and dialogue becomes more of a factor. If you need some help with dialogue or just some tips I have written an article about dialogue here.

Description - In regards to description it just seems a bit clunky. It didn't flow very well and there were moments, as I pointed out above, where you sort of address the audience directly and it throws you out of the story. When going back to edit I would just look at your description and see how you can make it flow better so that it doesn't feel so stunted and clunky.

Overall I think this could be an interesting piece if you just iron out a few things. I definitely want to know who the person in the cloak is and whether this positive negative notion has something to do with the overall story!

I hope that helped! If you have any questions just PM me!

Bex x

Hey there!

As Evi mentioned, your dialogue grammer could use a bit of sprucing up. But she provided a link for a tutorial so you should be all set there.

I loved the part about the magnets and opposites attract. Your character is clever, and I like her way of thinking

I feel like you rushed through this chapter. Slow it down and take in the details, bring the reader into this world. What does the farm house look like? What sort of things do they farm? Apparently they have sheep, but do they farm anything else? What do the pastures look like? What is the land around the farm like? What else is in the field besides the boulder, Alice, and the wayward sheep?

Just slow down and explore all there is to see in this chapter. It will draw your readers in. Connecting with how Alice feels, using her 5 senses to describe things, will help as well.

I'm really interested in the plot, so definitely keep this going!

-Lauren

Hiya! You should definitely read Evi's link. You have some issues with dialogue punctuation and must fix it. I will try and point out some issues for you, but these are not all.

“Sure darling. Just be sure to get back before dark. Charles called and said that there were wild dogs in the area.”

Comma after darling instead of period. Also a comma after area.

Sure darling. Just be sure to get back before dark. Charles called and said that there were wild dogs in the area.” She called back, not looking up from what she was doing. I turned and rushed towards the door but she quickly added.
“Oh, and Alice, could you tell your father to finish up in the barn. You know how he likes to linger… we have to go to town early tomorrow.” My eyes rolled as I walked out the door. I hated town, so many people always looking at me with their cold eyes. They weren’t used to seeing a city girl there, even if I did grow up here.

This should all be in the same paragraph.

That means, if I had extremely bad luck, then, I’d attract someone with extremely good luck, theoretically, I mean, following the principle, opposites attract.

Too many commas. I suggest writing it like this: “That means since I had extremely bad luck, then I’d attract someone with extremely good luck. Theoretically, I mean, if humans also followed the principal that opposites attract." It just flows better.
-I am also afraid that you are saying this too bluntly. Now I have a feeling she will meet a guy with really good luck or something. I hope that’s what you wanted to do.

I tripped on a root. “Oh man” I muttered.

Comma after “Oh man”.

“There you are.” I said, relieved that I finally caught up with it.

Instead of a period after ‘are’ put a comma there.


Plot
I really like this idea. I also think that if you just went with the story without this and used the flashbacks, it would be more original, and I think I would have liked it better. I do like this, keep going.

Classy

Thanks for all your posts! I know I have a lot to learn. Thanks for your comments. they were helpful! I think I might have a problem with describing the farm because I've never been to one. I mean I've been to a farm but that's with carabao and chickens and no sheep. We don't really have the farms I'm trying to describe here in my country so I think I need a bit of help there.