Chapter 2: His Secret

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So I love this chapter :]. Honestly I'd say it's some of my best work. I'll leave that up to you guys though! Try not to kill me to much on grammar and spelling. I have issues with that :lol: but I appreciate anyone who points them out to me. Thanks for reading/reviewing and enjoy!



Chapter 2

Kayla was what kept the family together to be honest. I was at work most of the time and
she would constantly worry about me. Fifteen years its been since the day my wife was lost. I should confess right now that Kayla is in fact alive. We tell people she is gone but she is not. Mel knows, I told her when she was old enough to understand the concept.

I said darkness could conquer even the mightiest man, but I thought that Kayla could handle it. She was stronger than any man I knew. What she saw that day would scar her for the rest of her life if you even want to call what she has a life. The truth is she would be better off dead.

A string of murders in the area had led to a full on police investigation during the summer of 1996. West Tennessee had seen at least 4 families murdered within a month. Slaughtered in their own home, it was a sight that would devastate the mind of anyone who saw it. I was lucky enough to have avoided the crime scenes until now.

We weren’t a wealthy family, so the only car we owned was my police cruiser. I was taking Kayla to work at usual, she’s was a veterinarian at the local animal hospital, when I got a call about screams coming from a neighborhood just around the block. Thinking it might be the Nomen Killer, as he called himself, I rushed there immediately.

Kayla was scared out of her mind of course, she had never seen me in “action” before. When we arrived on the scene the front door of the house was broken into and it was silent. I jumped out of the car commanding Kayla to stay. Gripping my gun, I walked slowly toward the front of the house.

It was a cute white townhouse with some ugly tan shutters on the windows. It reminded me of a house a kid would draw; One door with two windows on both sides of the door, a porch with a standard roof. I slowly allowed my gun to come in line with the doorway. I moved up the steps making the least amount of noise possible.

As I started to enter the house what I saw threatened my very sanity. A bloodbath, there was a family of at least four, maybe five, I couldn’t tell due to the decapitation and vast amounts of blood. I covered my mouth and looked away as I gagged on my dry throat. I knew the killer had to still be in the house, all of it was too fresh. Stepping over mutilated body parts was the like a mighty hand squeezing the life out of my brain.

I had to look forward to try and avoid capturing any of these images. I tried to examine the house instead; to the left of the door was a TV, and a couch sitting a few feet away from it. The kitchen was to the back of the room, and a hallway led to the right. I pulled my gun back up and away from my face and I crept around the corner and into the hallway.

Quick turn into the hallway, gun pointed straight and finger stiff on the trigger. It was empty, but looked like someone had just finished cleaning it which was a refreshing change. I could see a room on the right and one directly to the left as well as on to the back on the left which had a closed door. Carefully I approached the door on the right, swinging in pointing my gun all around then room, then quickly spinning around doing the same to the one on the left. Both were empty. The only place left was the room in the back. I knew I just had a feeling that he was in there. Being more careful then I ever had in my life, I quickly opened the door and yelled “Freeze!”

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

Marcus jumped.

“Wow Marcus I didn’t mean to scare you.” A large black man hovered over him.

“Seriously Terry you want to make my leg even worse?”

“I could snap it in half if you’d like that?” His voice was deep but gentle.

“Yes you're very funny Terry, now what do you want? I’m busy.”

“Melony is on the phone line three.”

“Thank you Terry.”

Terry exited the tiny office space leaving Marcus parked at his desk. He grabbed the phone hitting line three and picked it up to his ear. “Melony?”

“Hey Dad, I made to Vancouver!”

“I’m glad you got there safely. Thanks for calling so soon.”

“I wish you could have come. It’s so amazing here.”

“Just put some pictures on Facebook for me. I’ll look at them later.” A smile lit up on
Marcus’s face. Melony his daughter had gotten into a Vancouver college for Fashion and Design. Her mother was talented like her; Kayla had designed their whole house and they were always complimented on it.

“I will definitely do that. So where are you right now?”

“Well I’m just sitting at the police station writing some stuff.”

“Oh sounds mysterious. What are you writing?”

“Ha-ha, nothing you would be interested in.” Marcus laughed aloud.

“Alright just keep being mysterious Mr. Mystery Man. Anyway I have to go check in so I will call you later okay!”

“Be safe, I love you.”

“Love you too Dad.”

Marcus hung the phone up, letting out a sigh.

“Terry!” Terry walked into the room, his bald head gleaming under the lights.

“What now?”

“Can you close my door and no more interruptions for a while please?”

“Yes sir.” Terry exited the room closing the door behind him. Marcus rubbed his hand through
his thick brown hair and left it there for a few seconds. He reached over and grabbed a fresh pencil from a pink and purple jar Melony had made him when she was in first grade. Staring down at the next page of his book, he reread his last words and tried to continue writing where he left off.



Chapter 1
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic57397.html
Last edited by Derek on Sat Jan 23, 2010 7:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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Hey Derek, here I am for chapter 2! :D

There were several sentences that seemed rather rushed in your story, and they could use a semicolon in them; I'll try to point them out.

The thing that really confused me was when Marcus stopped writing and it suddenly changed from the first person to third person. I wasn't sure at first whether we were hearing about what had happened in the house or whether the scene was changing. If you used some marking like ***** or ~~~~~, just to show that there's a break in the story and something new is going on now, it would make it much much clearer to the reader.

Derek wrote:Kayla was what kept the family together to be honest. I was at work most of the time and
she would constantly worry about me. Fifteen years its been since the day my wife was lost. I should confess right now that Kayla is, in fact, alive. We tell people she is gone but she is not. Mel knows,; I told her when she was old enough to understand the concept.

I said darkness could conquer even the mightiest man, but I thought that Kayla could handle it. She was stronger than any man I knew. What she saw that day would scar her for the rest of her life, if you even want to call what she has a life. The truth is she would be better off dead. This is creepy, good line!

A string of murders in the area had led to a full on police investigation during the summer of 1996. West Tennessee had seen at least 4 families murdered within a month. Slaughtered in their own home, it was a site do you mean "sight"? that would devastate the mind of anyone who saw it. I was lucky enough to have avoided the crime scenes till 'til or until; till is used more in the context of "till the land." now.

We weren’t a wealthy family, so the only car we owned was my police cruiser. I was taking Kayla to work at usual, she’s she was a veterinarian at the local animal hospital, when I got a call about screams coming from a neighborhood just around the block. Thinking it might be the Nomen Killer, as he called himself, I rushed there immediately.

Kayla was scared out of her mind of course,; she had never seen me in “action” before. When we arrived on the scene the front door of the house was broken into and it was silent. I jumped out of the car, commanding Kayla to stay. Gripping my gun, I walked slowly toward the front of the house.

It was a cute white townhouse with some ugly tan shutters on the windows. It reminded me of a house a kid would draw; Oone door with two windows on both sides of the door, a porch with a standard roof. I slowly allowed my gun to come in line with the doorway. I moved up the steps, making the least amount of noise possible.

As I started to enter the house what I saw threatened my very sanity. A bloodbath,; there was a family of at least four, maybe five, I couldn’t tell due to the decapitation and vast amounts of blood. I covered my mouth and looked away as I gagged on my dry throat. I knew the killer had to still be in the house, all of it was too fresh. Stepping over mutilated body parts was the like a mighty hand squeezing the life out of his Eh? Whose? brain.

I had to look forward to try and avoid capturing any of these images. I tried to examine the house instead; to the left of the door was a TV, and a couch sitting a few feet away from it. The kitchen was to the back of the room, and a hallway led to the right. I pulled my gun back up and away from my face and I crept around the corner and into the hallway.

Quick turn into the hallway, gun pointed straight and finger stiff on the trigger. It was empty, but looked like someone had just finished cleaning it which was a refreshing change. I could see a room on the right and one directly to the left as well as on to the back on the left which had a closed door. Carefully I approached the door on the right, swinging in pointing my gun all around then room, then quickly spinning around doing the same to the one on the left. Both were empty. The only place left was the room in the back. I knew I just had a feeling that he was in there. Being more careful then I ever had in my life, I quickly opened the door and yelled “Freeze!”

Right here is where you'd need the separation. I can't tell you how long it took me to finally realize what was going on.

Marcus jumped.

“Wow Marcus, I didn’t mean to scare you.” A large black man hovered over him.

“Seriously Terry, you want to make my leg even worse?”

“I could snap it in half if you’d like that?” His voice was deep but gentle.

“Yes your you're very funny Terry, now what do you want? I’m busy.”

“Melony is on the phone line three.”

“Thank you Terry.”

Terry exited the tiny office space leaving Marcus parked at his desk. He grabbed the phone, hitting line three and pickinged it up to his ear. “Melony?”

“Hey Dad, I made to Vancouver!”

“I’m glad you got there safely. Thanks for calling so soon.”

“I wish you could have come. It’s so amazing here.”

“Just put some pictures on Facebook for me. I’ll look at them later.” A smile lit up on
Marcus’s face. Melony his daughter had gotten into a Vancouver college for Fashion and Design. Her mother was talented like her; Kayla had designed their whole house and they were always complimented on it.

“I will definitely do that. So where are you right now?”

“Well I’m just sitting at the police station writing some stuff.”

“Oh sounds mysterious. What are you writing?”

“Ha-ha, nothing you would be interested in.” Marcus laughed aloud.

“Alright just keep being mysterious Mr. Mystery Man. Anyway I have to go check in so I will call you later okay!”

“Be safe, I love you.”

“Love you too Dad.”

Marcus hung the phone up, letting out a sigh.

“Terry!” Terry walked into the room, his bald head gleaming under the lights.

“What now?”

“Can you close my door and no more interruptions for a while please?”

“Yes sir.” Terry exited the room closing the door behind him. Marcus rubbed his hand threw through his thick brown hair and left it there for a few seconds. He reached over and grabbed a fresh pencil from a pink and purple jar Melony had made him when she was in first grade. Staring down at the next page of his book, he reread his last words and tried to continue writing where he left off. This was where I realized what was going on.


Okay, done! Good work, you're doing a good job with the main character's personality! :D
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
~Rick Castle




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Yikes thank you Ranger! I swear I fixed some of those though when I reread it...
But all is well and those mistakes have been fixed :].




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Yeah, I agree this was even better than the last chapter. I could learn a thing or two from your writing style. The way you take an everyday object and stick it in the story (while making sense!) is a hard thing to master. Also, good hook you have. I really want to read the next part.
Definitely write more of this!
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Look to Jesus.:)




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I'm back! :D

You're right, Doe! This is so much better, and I can tell you enjoyed writing this too. The crime scene was really cool and vivid!

Dialogue

You fall into this trap a lot! The last section when Melony and Marcus are on the phone together, you have straight dialogue. It's just so empty though! Marcus must be thinking or tinkering or something while he's talking to his daughter. The pencil jar you mentioned after the phone call? That was very good! I know you can do something similar during that dialgoue. It's just so blah and boring to read through. In fact, I think Mel's words could be a bit more smooth and realistic. Unless there's some reason why Mel's so concerned with her dad? Maybe she feels alone at the college and that's why she's asking questions about Marcus. I'm not sure! Beef up that section with your MC's critical thinking and actions and whatever. Make it real!

Introduction

Again, your introduction is weak here. Talking about darkness and how scary it is and how his perfect-beyond-perfect wife was stronger than any other man ever to exist still couldn't survive whatever she faced. I think you can skip the darkness ooga booga stuff and jump straight into the blood! It's more effective to explain things as the story moves on rather than tell the reader the information and show it afterward.

----

At this point, that's all that really stands out to me. This was much better though! Keep it coming. :D

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!
I make my own policies.




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Totally dig this chapter more then the last. Its sweet!! Just a couple errors this time around. Not as much spelling and grammer. But I don't understand why the first chapter is only in 1st person while this one is in 1st and 3rd. I guess you can do whatever you want, but i didn't really make sense to me. Also you really do need to liven up the dilouge between Marcus and Melony. Talk about how nervous Melony must be or Marcus' thoughts about his daughter growing up. You need more there. All in all very good and I'm very impressed. PM me when you post the next chapter. I want to find out what happens!
rise and shine
and open up your eyes
to give this world some color
shine on diamond eyes
seperate the space
between love and lies

3393 words



Education is education. We should learn everything and then choose which path to follow. Education is neither Eastern or Western; it is human.
— Malala