I Would Sing to You

I worshipped the golden days of autumn
When cinnamon spice speckled the trees
And the sky crumbled into itself.
The smell of pumpkins thickened the air –
Like a jaundice-colored drug
Painting my eyelids with fire.
But who was I to know that bright leaves
Would dissolve into a winter sunrise?
Pink and violet candy ribbons:
Spun sugar wrapped around ice.
For this was a season that dripped
With sickly sweet lies perfectly designed
To eat me alive as I consumed myself.
I’d have cut my heart away
To taste the tissue-wrapped muscle;
If I’ve a trace of that poison,
I’d feed it to my contaminator.
But mitten clad hands caught my eyes
And taught me how to see again,
Taught me to believe in summers
When sunshine had been my antidote.
A smile made of cloudy days
Brought more syrup to my heart
Than the chocolate-coated promises
That had turned me into a diabetic.
Darling, I would sing to you
Of all the colors I can see,
Of how the world smells like roses.
Darling, I would sing to you.

Your poem is Amazing!
I love that picture it's so enticing.
There are lots of description and imagery into your poem which I love. There's nothing I could point out about your poem except that the repition of Darling I would sing to you in the last stanza throws me, as a reader, a little off, but other than that it was an awesome read.

Have a great day

Tiffany

Hey.

I love this.

A smile made of cloudy daysBrought more syrup to my heartThan the chocolate-coated promisesThat had turned me into a diabetic.

My favorite lines. Hmm... I've nothing to critique on this. It was original, vivid, smart. Your imagery is fresh. This was a lovely read.

--Nixie

Hi Pen!

My comment to this: *clicks like button* I'd click numerous times if I could =D

This is a very beautiful poem, and the word choice was exquisite; it definitely had a big part in this poem. It flowed very well, and surprisingly I only had a small issue with this: this'll sound crazy, but I don't like the repetition of 'Darling, I'd sing to you' so close. I think that if it was a bit more apart, it would work a bit better. But as I said, small thing

The imagery and comparisons, dude, rocked! I loved this, Pen. You put my poetry to shame <3

- Kat

Here I am! =D

Now this is a great piece. Just really well done. *likes*

But I can't make this all positive no?

Well, I think you suffer from the exact same thing I suffer from in everything I write. Which is lines flowing into one another. You have the flow down, the language down but it's basically structured like:

Idea 1 (done)
Idea 2 (done)
Idea 3 (done)

For it to really work, try to something like this:

Idea 1 Id-
ea 2 Id-
ea 3 (done)

If that makes sense. ^^
Not in that exact format but you want the poem to lap into each other.

Also, I don't like this line:

Like a jaundice-colored drug

You're talking positives right? Warm, beautiful colours that make you happy before you fade into cold colours that make you sad? Jaundice has a sort of bitterness to it, as well as being a medical condition that causes the yellowing of skin and the eyes. Which doesn't quite fit in with this happier, warmer tone.
As well as the literal interpretation it creates: A medical condition - coloured drug? I know you where looking for a word for yellow, but this entire rant in about four words, not the right word.

Thesaurus search for yellow: flaxen, golden, gold, blond, lemon, cadmium, tawny.
(just to help ^^)

Darling, I would sing to you
Of all the colors I can see,
Of how the world smells like roses.
Darling, I would sing to you.

Weak ending compared to the imagery you created through the rest of the poem. Seems the words ring a little hollow and the imagery you created doesn't last, it sort of fade back. Nothing to hold on to.

<3 Lovely.

Kamas

Hi! This was an awesome poem. I absolutely loved your imagery. However, I agree that your ending was a little weak. I'd tweak that if I were you. You have tons of talent, that should be a breeze. Other than that, amazing job!

--Dreamy115

Wow, I've read enough poems that can create beautiful images, but I think this is the first one that's also done the same with smells and tastes.

I love this poem so much. I really like the imagery and the strong words that tie together! I'll read your other posts!

, Pacific

Wow, Pen. You've officially embarrassed me with your superior skill and awesomeness. Your imagery here is so clever, and the way you paired the Autumn things and more...I don't know...real things...together to make brilliant comparisons like "chocolate-coated promises" was so enjoyable to read. Keep up the great work. *likes*:D

P.S. I are jealous. >.<

Hi Splodey! Here is your review, as promised. Sorry it's been delayed so much! Anyway.

I really liked this poem. You had fantastic word choice, which help paints a great picture in the reader's mind. I feel as though I'm standing in the middle of a surreal painting when I read this, and it's a really cool feeling.

However, I have a few nitpicks.

Like a jaundice-colored drug

I don't like jaundice. If you know, it's a disease that effects coloration of the skin and eyes. The things you're referring to are supposed to be beautiful, and I feel your use of 'jaundice' clashed with that. If you mean to say yellow, just yellow, or lemon, will do. ^^

But who was I to know that bright leaves
Would dissolve into a winter sunrise?

I don't understand this portion. Unless your narrator is a little infant (which she should not be, considering the vocabulary used), she should know that the year is divided into four seasons.

Than the chocolate-coated promises

It's usually sugar-coated.

That had turned me into a diabetic.

Anyway, I really liked this! PM me if you have questions.

Wow! Your poetry puts mine to shame. Makes this winter seem more endurable. You would be crazy to change your poem it looks fantastic as it is! Well done!

Twinnehhhh!!!<3 Is this the poem that you were trying to show me before when I was all sadful??
Anywayz, it's beautiful! My personal favorite part is the first two lines - the imagery there is amazing.
The only line that bothered me was teh "jaundice-colored drug" part. Now, the entire poem has a pretty happy-go-lucky tone. It's almost as if you're just skipping along, madly in love and learning true happiness and stuff.
The jaundice-colored is negative and the word drug seems almost too strong to use? Try just using yellow and addiction maybe instead of drug?
Oh, awesome job on the rhythm, by the way. I haven't read any poem of yours that has as good a flow and stuffz as this one.
So, not much overall to correct.
Good job!!! I loved it
Love,
Twinneh<3
P.S. Feel special, you've received the first review I've done in over a month.

Hey, Pen! Nice poem!
Like others, the jaundice colored....etc, I don't think it fits. Jaundice and drug. A little too harsh for describing such serenity.
Also, nice rhythm. There's some other things I wanted to add but they're covered, so I just put in the most important stuff.
Anyhoo.
Tata.
-Mizz

I really liked this. It's a really amazing poem. i think I will just take it the easy way and say I do kinda agree with what everyone else said that you might want to change but I really like it and if you don't want to change it, then don't because it's really good. I also really love the picture...it's captivating.

Keep writing! You're a great poet!

Hey !

Unlike most poems on this site, this poem flew way above my head...which
is a very good thing. There are loads of amazing poems that I've found here,
but I've always been very envious of people who can write
poems without needing to state the meaning obviously...people like you
who can wind around the point with beautiful,meaningful words and descriptions
and leave the writer wondering what you meant but still feeling impressed.
I loved it!

T