Tremors (For Haiti) - Edit

For Haiti.

--

The forsaken underbellies bloat, ripping apart their hovels
left with the blighting of our very oblivion.
calamity that bisects their populace with a primal brutality.
Mere mortals come play as the Jesus for the tangled, limp frames.
Stairways to escape crumble into further ruins
dormant lives lined on the boulevard.
More graves will be dug tonight.

Kamasss. <5
I love you and I love your poetry. And thank you for offerring me a quick way of escaping my reviewing rut. ^^
Your poem is wonderful. The only complaint I have is that you use too many "bug words." Although it's tempting, I find that the most successful poems are the ones with simpler language. One or two higher-level words are great in the exact right circumstance, but when you start throwing them around everywhere... It's like C.S Lewis said, "Don't use infinite when you mean very. Then you won't have any words to describe something truely infinite."

Mere mortals come play as the Jesus for the tangled, limp frames.

I love this line. ^^

Anywho, great job. *stars*

Hey i love that you've written a poem about the devastating Haiti. Theres a lot of words in it that i don't understand so its kind of hard to understand but hey i don't have the best vocabulary. It seems really thought out and looks like it would of taken a long time to write even though its fairly short. I agree with explosive_pen that that particular line is really moving.

Yes, this was quality writing. Beautiful, even in the sadness. I agree with Explosive Pen; that one line is a standout. I don't mind your use of unusual vocabulary, since you actually are putting it to good use. Some people just throw in pretty words to look nice without thinking about it, but it didn't come across that way to me this time.

"Tremors" carries that same tone of devastation that Kylan captured in "hispaniola"... and I think both pieces of work are powerful.

Thanks for sharing this with us.

–antimelrose

You're making me want to post mine. Haha.

And nice, I see you kept some lines, well most from the other poem you let me read. (Is this the same one?) *doesn't remember* Lol.

I love this, Kammie. You've captured the emotion really well here, and it's beautiful, despite the subject.

I would agree with Splodey in some cases; although the longer words do add to the poetic feel of the whole ensemble, they do feel a little unnecessary in places. Sometimes, simple words carry emotion so much better.

Well done!

~Amy

Kamas,

Well Done for writing a poem for Haiti. This is beautiful and sad and it really captures the emotion. I will have to be honest when I say I didn't understand the exact meaning of a couple of the longer words but they helped to show the emotion.

Well Done,
Keep Writing
~Lydia

Kamas --

I think this suffers from something similar to what some of my poetry falls victim to -- static, still-life. There is no action, there is no movement. Like the picture above it, it stays still and paints the reader a two-dimensional picture, which doesn't really have the depth to unlock any real emotion or give them any real images. One of my goals in writing poetry is to start livening things up a little, and (a suggestion from Snoink) to stop focusing on the periphery of the scene and start directly addressing my topic of choice.

Another goal of mine is to move away from the formality of some of my poetry as well, which is a problem here. The words you use and the way you arrange them: "Kosher", "hovel", "malnourished". Not only this, but this has too many adjectives I think. In such close proximity, the adjectives feel tacked on and a little forced.

I would suggest some similes/metaphors/imagery of the free-association nature, as well.

Not sure how I feel about that last line, either. Like some of the adjectives, it feels forced -- overly romantic/classical. Either get rid of the "oh", or elaborate more on the graves.

Thanks,

-Kylan

Hey, Kammieyaz!

I'm going to agree with Kylan on the boardwalk that says that this is too still-life. It's like, almost as if you've paused a scene in Haiti and walked around, writing everything that you see down on a page.

Nonetheless, I think that your images are very vivid! Just be careful about which words you place together -- look deeper into words, look at their parallel meanings and make sure that it fits, because it's usually the background meaning that flaunts itself in the poem.

Also! I may have said this in one of your previous poems, but there's a lack of connectivity in this poem, which keeps it from flowing swiftly like the river it should be. You need to transition one image into another, fade them in like a slideshow, and not flip through them one by one.

Nice job, though. Kudos on writing about Haiti.

June

Kammie. Nice work. It feels so wierd to review the better writer (you)! Nonetheless, here I am. *stands formal*
I like the subject on Haiti. It's so pitiful, watching those poor people over in Haiti...makes you want to make a change. Anyhoo.
The flow on this isn't great, as Junie pointed out. It needs to come freely, easily.
Also, it is pretty stiff but your images are especially fantastic.
Great work, Kammiator.
Tata!
-Mizz

I feel the same as Kylan and June in that it is too still. It sounds like you have described a photograph.

Moreover, it has absolutely no flow and no rhythm. The problem with this is half of a poem's effectiveness is the way it sounds, how it rolls of the tongue, how it reads. This is disjointed and choppy. You really need to think more about how your words and lines fit together.

The first two sentences also have a very confusing mix of pronouns that doesn't help me to identify with anything -- there's no narrator. It's "their hovels" but "our oblivion". Which are you going for?

Some of your phrasing is also quite clumsy -- "Stairways to escape crumble into further ruins" is badly-phrased.

That said, I love "bisects their populace with a primal brutality." There's a lot of good sounds in there. Populace doesn't really fit because it's full of soft consonants, compared to the hardness of "bisects" and "brutality", but there's shows potential. It just isn't reflected in the rest of the poem.

Furthermore, I think this is just too short. Short poems are fine in they do a lot in a small amount of space, but this poem doesn't move anywhere, or make any commanding statements. It's a little too lifeless.

Thanks for all the comments everyone.

Kamas

That was amazing! You really captured just what it's like there in Haiti in just a few lines. That was complex, but not, both at the same time, you know what I mean? You used elaborate language but got your point across perfectly. Anyway, great poem.

-Dreamy