Angels and Vampires-Part 9

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2 years later
Thought by thought, I had grown more assertive. Heartbeat after heartbeat, I'd grown braver. Step by step, I grew stronger. And it was all for the one person and me. Our perfect world. I spent the night trudging the streets, searching bins to find information that people hadn’t hidden. It was a perfectly adrenaline filled life, with terror and the chance of failure round every corner, but that was the thing. We hadn’t even failed once yet. Tempest was a more logical person that I had first thought. She gave me direct plans of what we were going to do each night, finding combinations for weakly reinforced safes, buying humans into being our alibis. We were both eighteen now, more grown up and mature. When we had both first met on that freezing winter’s night two years ago, I was still young on the inside. Thinking humans were superior, better than me, wealthy and clever. Gosh I was wrong about at least one part. But that was all the past, and we needed to think about the future.
It was about seven at night when Tempest came in through the door for only the second time today. She must have either been cashing cheques or watching a suspect. She was better at both than me, but I was always the best at pulling information out of them.
“Get anything good?” I shouted to her through the kitchen archway as I heard her throw her keys onto the shoe rack by the door. We had a reasonable house at the top of a hill, inconspicuous but still fancy enough for people not to question our luxury lifestyle. She threw her black Gucci jacket on the sofa and sat herself onto it shortly afterwards.
“Not as good as yesterday, but I got something promising. Found a card with an overdraft of nearly half a million.” She turned her head as she said this and smiled at my expression. 500,000 quid? Ah, the luxury! In the two years of treachery and illegal activity, we had taken almost quarter of a billion pounds with only two court cases to our name. I was sat at the kitchen table cashing cheques on the laptop, each one containing at least ten thousand each time. It felt good. Our life was very upper class, with the floors through-out the house made out of black marble and the walls covered in high class stone. Our kitchen was fitted with curved cabinets, following the black theme with a modern twist. Just to think that less than five years ago we both had lived on the streets. I got up and walked over to the sofa, and she stood up to say hello. I slung my arms around her waist and kissed her passionately on the lips, my tongue tracing her smooth lips slowly. Her hands moved from my neck to my hair, but I pulled away before we could go any further.
“A little later, okay? I still have work to do and well...not on the sofa.” I laughed on the last part and kissed her lightly on the lips, her eyes still closed as I let go of her hand. Things were so much better, in every way. Things were so much better.

She smiled as I turned around, my eyes just catching her beaming face. I knew now that she didn’t eat, and I always ate before she came home. It meant that we could cash cheques and discuss tomorrow. Our philosophy was always ‘today is happening, nothing you can do about that. But tomorrow, you can do something about that.’ I took my laptop off the table and closed the blinds, which was something we only did at night. Tempest threw the draw of cheques and papers on the floor, yellow and white papering in the pile. There was no red writing still, to our relief. I sat cross legged on the floor, and she joined me. The living room was open planned, with a marble arch leading into the kitchen. A faux rug covered the black marble.
“To work.” She said smiling, taking the laptop off the table. This seemed pretty monochrome for us, just the way it goes. There were a lot of precautions that had to be made, each one running through my mind every time this draw was emptied out across the floor.
1: Keep the lights on when we go out, even if one of us is still the house. Every time you go out, use the same name all the way across the journey. You could be traced from place to place.
2: However make sure you never use the same cover name twice.
3: If you find out that the name you are using is documented under a real person, never bump into that person.
4: You aren’t going to be on their Christmas card list once they get accused of murder/theft/manslaughter/break n enter.
It was our list of golden rules, like our hand-book that we never really had to hand. But even though it wasn’t a physical object, it was the most important thing we had. Even the little things still mean a lot to you when you have everything. We hadn’t just got here in a flash; there had been a lot in the middle. A lot. My behaviour had changed, yet so had hers. After that first kiss she had been under my spell right from the start, like a chain around her ankle that she couldn’t break. Not like she wanted to break it. The most conviction we had ever got was a fine. We used to money to buy ‘fit in’ clothes for myself like leather jackets and branded jeans, while it was used on her to buy designer clothing so she could find information from debt firms and bankers. They always trusted the wealthy clients more. Was all a game of trust in this world, which was exactly what she had tried to get from me at the start. The truth was now I had all her trust, and I was a little step ahead of her all the time. Like a fast paced game of chess. A lot had happened in the middle before we had got here, and it always brought back many memories to go back to it.

“Lexy!” Tempest shrieked, and I came running. Running fast. Of course, when Tempest needed me I had to run fast. She was an impatient woman. But since when had you met a patient one? I sprinted round the corner and found her sitting on the grass giggling, ripping up single blades of grass in her hand.
“Why did you call me? I might be half a year younger than you, but I am at least more mature.” She laughed at that, and I rolled my eyes. Sometimes I wondered where her brain had wondered off to.
“I don’t want you to play daisy chains with me stupid. I saw something.” She stared at me like I had just ruined her fun, and I sighed. I sat down next to her on the dewy grass and looked her straight in the eye. She looked down once she realized I was angry with her, and she sighed too. I took her hand.
“Tay, what did you see then if you want me to be interested. Just means we won’t be able to eat tonight if you take up so much of my time saying you saw a plane.” She scowled at me like a five year old, and the mature mask on my face cracked. I smiled, but she just scowled harder.
“You know what I mean by saying I saw something! I was sitting daydreaming and I just saw a face. Y’know, just a face. I don’t know who it is and I want you to tell me if you know it.” She took her right hand from mine and placed it on the side of my forehead. I quickly closed my eyes and let the picture play back to me. The face was male, strong, blank and white. We both knew what it was, who it was, but she just didn’t want to accept it. To tell me. She was scared, for the first time in years. I tried to urge the word out of my mouth, but it just wouldn’t slip out. But Tempest was one of them, why was she so scared! A female vampire could fight off nearly five males with a single breath. But why was she scared? I clutched onto her arm, and she buried her face in my chest. She started to sob, and stroked her hair.
“Who is it Tay?” She just sobbed harder. I pushed her lightly away from me so her face was looking at mine, and I caressed the side of her face.
“Please tell me…” I said quietly, and she just stared. After a few seconds of looking intently into each others eyes, she gulped and opened her mouth to speak.
“Chaos.”

How that name haunted me to this day. Every time it was said in a paper, or on the news, both me and Tempest would stop dead. Because we knew he would be waiting. Somewhere.
Last edited by forgottenfallen on Wed Feb 10, 2010 1:45 pm, edited 2 times in total.
He was just one of the forgotten fallen...one? Maybe the only. All he knew was that if anyone another angel had fallen someone would have come and helped them up.

Oh gosh Maths has never sounded so good : "Lexifer"




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A little small yet still rally good. The characters were strong and theme well known.
I spy!




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Hey forgottenfallen! Sorry about slacking off and not getting around to reviewing your stuff. :( But, I guess doing them out of order will just have to work :P Anyway, here's my review of part 9.

Wow. Much different than the past 8 parts! :shock: I'm pretty sure it's a good thing and all, but I dunno. Well, just have to wait and see, I suppose. Down to the nitpicks:

2 years later
Italicize those kind of things. Not sure what to call them, but definitely italicize it!

Thought by thought I had grown more assertive. Beat by beat in my chest I had got braver. Step by step on the ground I was getting stronger.
I don't really like the... repetitive feeling of this. I get the point of it, but it just doesn't sound right. What do you think of:

Thought by thought, I had grown more assertive. Heartbeat after heartbeat, I'd grown braver. Step by step, I grew stronger.

Personally, I think this version seems less... confusing, repetitive... (dare I say it?) odd? I'm not sure why, but I don't really like it. Also, I get the feeling this is the actual start of the story, and the previous parts have been like a prologue (if a little more in-depth). Just a thought, that's all.

And it was all for the one person and me. Our perfect world, with the humans as our pets. Our dogs. Our servants! Tempest was a more logical person that I had first thought. She gave me direct plans of what we were going to do each night, finding combinations in weakly reinforced cupboards, buying humans into being our alibis.
I don't think I really understand or like this. I get that I'm tearing this part apart, but there's just something about this part. Almost as if you're taking too long to get us into the story while trying to catch us up on their emotions towards humans, as well as each other, and 'take over the world' type plans.

One part I really don't understand is the 'finding combinations in weakly reinforced cupboards, buying humans into being our alibis.' First, most cupboards are A) inside houses, and B) don't have combinations. Do you mean safes, perhaps? Also, 'buying humans into being our alibis' doesn't sound right. I don't even get the point of this.

In the 2 years of treachery and illegal activity
write out numbers (two, not 2)

we had taken almost quarter of a billion pounds
um, are they in England now? If they're still in America, it's dollars, not pounds. I'm sure there's a difference, and if you want a them to have a quarter billion pounds while in New York, (which is highly unlikely. Million would make more sense than billion) then I'm sure there's some way of finding the equivalence of that via the Internet.

We used to money to buy inconspicuous clothes for myself like leather jackets and branded jeans, while the money was used on her to buy designer clothing so she could find information from debt firms and bankers. They always trusted the wealthy clients more.
Do you see what I dislike? The money repeats in one sentence. Also, leather jackets and brand-name jeans don't exactly strike me as 'inconspicuous'. Separate or eliminate this part.

Before I continue, let me just point out one thing: I dislike this type of info-dump, catch-up type thing all-together. If it were me, I'd strike that and find a way to weave the important things in throughout the story, rather than dump them on the reader like so. Time-jumps are commonly not easy to pull off, but they can be done. However, not like this. Time-jumps shouldn't be info-dumped on the reader, they should be obvious and woven throughout the story. With Lexus kissing Tempest in the end, it's obvious she's the most important person to him, so that's really not necessary in the beginning, just as one example. Anyway, I'll continue on with the review from here on out now.

I spent the night trudging the streets, searching bins and making silent phone calls to numbers we thought were high up. Just long enough on the line to take their voice on our file without them working out where we were.
'I spent the night trudging the streets' is fine and gives us a good peek into HIS part in the relationship. :thud: But I don't understand the 'searching bins' part. If they're so rich, why the heck is he scrounging up garbage? Plus, it's virtually impossible to make silent phone calls, because phone calls require one person to speak to another, and vice-versa. Get it?

We were both 18 years of age now, more adult.
Again with the numbers. It should be eighteen not 18, and more along the lines of: 'We were both eighteen now, more grown up and mature.' or something. 'More adult' doesn't really work.

freezing winter’s night
'freezing winter night'

I was still young on the inside. Thinking humans were superior, better than me, wealthy and clever. Gosh I was wrong about at least one part.
'I was still young on the inside; thinking humans were superior to me, with their money and fake wit.' I like this better because it doesn't sound as clunky. Also, it took me reading through that last sentence several times before making sense of it. Either strike it out or change it.

It was at least 7 at night when Tempest came in through the door for only the second time today. She must have either been cashing cheques or watching a suspect. She was better at both than me, but I was always the best at pulling information out of them.
Change 'It was at least 7 at night when...' to 'It was about seven when...'. Either eliminate the 'through the door for only the second time today' part, or maybe just the 'for only the second time today'. I don't understand the significance of 'only the second time', and saying 'today' jumps into present tense which doesn't fit in with the rest of the story. 'That day' would be better than 'today'. Also, I dunno what country you're from, but in America, it's spelled checks, not cheques. I've never in my life seen it spelled that way :lol: . And how can someone be better at cashing checks than someone else? I just don't get it.

throw her keys onto the shoe rack by the door.
Who throws their keys onto a shoe rack? Maybe there's a little table by the door or something, but I'd suggest changing the shoe rack part.

We had a reasonable house at the top of a hill, inconspicuous but still fancy enough for people not to question our luxury lifestyle.
Okay, the literal definition of inconspicuous as of Microsoft Office is 'not easily seen or noticed', yet it seems to me you mean unsuspicious. Also, it would be luxurious not luxury. Plus, writing it like this sounds better to me (without changing any vocab/grammar{which I would suggest}):

“Get anything good?” I shouted to her through the kitchen archway as I heard her throw her keys onto the shoe rack by the door. She threw her thick faux coat on the sofa and threw herself onto it shortly afterwards. We had a reasonable house at the top of a hill, inconspicuous but still fancy enough for people not to question our luxury lifestyle.

Frankly, I'm no fan of this part, seeing as it's clunky, 'threw' gets repetitive, and the descriptions are... kind of odd for eighteen year olds. Maybe like mid 30-40 year old couples, but not 18!

500,000 quid?
Um, what's a quid? I've heard 500K, 500G (500 grand), but what the heck is a quid?

I was sat

I sat...
or
I was sitting...

cashing cheques on the laptop
You can't cash checks on a laptop, because cashing checks means you actually receive the cash while doing the transaction. So maybe depositing would be better than cashing. And remember, checks not cheques (at least in the version of English I know :wink: ).

It felt good.
Scratch that and make it a new paragraph I think. It seems to disrupt the flow to me. :)

through-out
I don't think you need the hyphen. I think it's throughout, not through-out, although I suppose it could be either.

Just to think that less than five years ago we both had lived on the streets.
Um, if I remember correctly, Lexus wasn't even on earth until two years ago... But maybe I'm just confused.

sofa, and
Don't think the comma is necessary.

Things were so much better, in every way. Things were so much better.
We get that things were better, but I don't think you need that last part. It's boring, unnecessary, repetitive and disrupts the "flow" of things (even though it's ending :P)

Well, hopefully I wasn't too harsh, but I kinda got into the groove of things :lol: Anyway, overall, I liked it. Definitely not the direction I thought it'd go, and now I don't really get the problem. Frankly, I think it'd be more fun if this was the beginning, an the rest was like a flashback, and the story was more action-filled, because up until this point, not a lot of "action-y" stuff has happened. I like the story, no doubt about it. But if this is turning into a romance, I'd suggest you have a mod move it there. Then again, I don't know where the story's going, and I'm quiet baffled as of right now. Good job! You leaving me confused makes me want to come back and get more. :D

Don't get discouraged (and I don't think you're the sort of person to let this sort of thing bring you down forever) because I picked it apart. I was only so harsh because I think this story has potential, and frankly, I enjoy picking :wink: . Anyhoo, hope I helped, but I've spent a lot of time on this, so I'll just leave it at this. So good job, good luck, keep going, and don't forget to look back once in a while and proofread. :)

~Addict
I gave up telling people I hear voices. So now I talk to the voices instead.




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Edited to AddictiontoFiction's points :)
He was just one of the forgotten fallen...one? Maybe the only. All he knew was that if anyone another angel had fallen someone would have come and helped them up.

Oh gosh Maths has never sounded so good : "Lexifer"




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Hi, PenNPaper here to review!
Really nice piece of work, I liked it, nice title too :D . There are a few minor mistakes here and there, but by reading through, you should be able to find them.
My behaviour had changed, yet so had hers.

You won't really need the 'yet' here, it just doesn't seem to fit in with the sentence.
We used to money to buy ‘fit in’ clothes for myself like leather jackets and branded jeans, while it was used on her to buy designer clothing

This sentence doesn't really flow smoothly, how about trying 'We used money to buy 'fit in' clothes for ourselves. I bought leather jackets and branded jeans while she used it to buy designer clothing'.
Was all a game of trust in this world

Did you mean to say, 'It was all a game of trust in this world'?
Okay, so that was all I felt should be edited, of course, you don't have to if you don't want to.

Good luck and keep writing1
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Updated with more work! :)
He was just one of the forgotten fallen...one? Maybe the only. All he knew was that if anyone another angel had fallen someone would have come and helped them up.

Oh gosh Maths has never sounded so good : "Lexifer"




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Key: Red is something that I added.
Blue is something that needs to be fixed.
Anything in bold is a comment I'm making or a suggestion.
Any smilies you see I added, because for some reason I like using them. :smt043

Thought by thought, I had grown more assertive. Heartbeat after heartbeat, I'd grown braver. Step by step, I grew stronger. And it was all for the one person and me. Our perfect world. I spent the night trudging the streets, searching bins to find information that people hadn’t What? If it's in a trash bin then I'm sure it's hidden. :P hidden. It was a perfectly adrenaline filled life, with terror and the chance of failure round I think using 'around' would sound better. every corner, but that was the thing. We hadn’t even failed once yet. Tempest was a more logical person that Did you mean 'than' :?: I had first thought. She gave me direct plans of what we were going to do each night, finding combinations for weakly reinforced safes, buying humans into being our alibis. We were both eighteen now, more grown up and mature. When we had both first met on that freezing winter’swinter night two years ago, I was still young on the inside. Thinking humans were superior, better than me, wealthy and clever. Gosh, I was wrong about at least one part. But that was all the past, and we needed to think about the future.


It was about seven at night when Tempest came in through the door for only the second time today. She must have either been cashing cheques I don't know what that word means. :lol: A little help please. :P Or did you mean 'checks' :?: or watching a suspect. She was better at both than me, but I was always the best at pulling information out of them.


“Get anything good?” I shouted to her through the kitchen archway, as I heard her throw her keys onto the shoe rack by the door. We had a reasonable house at the top of a hill, inconspicuous but still fancy enough for people not to question our luxury lifestyle. She threw her black Gucci jacket on the sofa, and sat herself onto it shortly afterwards. I think it's only supposed to be 'afterward' but, I could be wrong.
:smt017

“Not as good as yesterday, but I got something promising. Found a card with an overdraft of nearly half a million.” She turned her head as she said this and smiled at my expression. I believe the following sentence should be brought down a line. :arrow: 500,000 quid? Ah, the luxury! In the two years of treachery and illegal activity, we had taken almost a quarter of a billion pounds with only two court cases to our name. I was sat at the kitchen table, cashing cheques I'm assuming that's how that word is spelled in your country. :wink: on the laptop, each one containing at least ten thousand each time. What do you mean by each time? :P It felt good. Our life was very upper class, with the floors through-out the house made out of black marble, and the walls covered in high class stone. Our kitchen was fitted with curved cabinets, following the black theme with a modern twist. Just to think that less than five years ago we both had lived on the streets. I got up and walked over to the sofa, and she stood up to say hello. I slung my arms around her waist, and kissed her passionately on the lips, my tongue tracing her smooth lips slowly. Her hands moved from my neck to my hair, but I pulled away before we could go any further.


“To work.That period should be a comma. :wink: She Lower case the 's' in 'she' :P said smiling, taking the laptop off the table. This seemed pretty monochrome for us, just the way it goes. There were a lot of precautions that had to be made, each one running through my mind every time this draw was emptied out across the floor.


1: Keep the lights on when we go out, even if one of us is still the house. Every time you go out, use the same name all the way across the journey. You could be traced from place to place.

2: However make sure you never use the same cover name twice.

3: If you find out that the name you are using is documented under a real person, never bump into that person.

4: You aren’t going to be on their Christmas card list once they get accused of murder/theft/manslaughter/break in enter.


I don't think bullet format is appropriate for any book. I suggest just using traditional writing. And, numbers should definitely be written out in words.
:)

It was our list of golden rules, like our hand-book that we never really had to hand. But, even though it wasn’t a physical object, it was the most important thing we had. Even the little things still mean a lot to you when you have everything. We hadn’t just gotten here in a flash; there had been a lot in the middle. A lot. My behaviour had changed, yet so had hers. After that first kiss she had been under my spell right from the start, like a chain around her ankle that she couldn’t break. Not like she wanted to break it. The most conviction we had ever got was a fine. We used to money to buy ‘fit in’ clothes for myself like leather jackets and branded jeans, while it was used on her to buy designer clothing so she could find information from debt firms and bankers. That sentence confused me. Clarify please. :) They always trusted the wealthy clients more. It was all a game of trust in this world, which was exactly what she had tried to get from me at the start. The truth was now I had all her trust, The truth was, now I had all her trust :?: and I was a little step ahead of her all the time. Like a fast paced game of chess. A lot had happened in the middle before we had got here, and it always brought back many memories to go back to it.
That last part doesn't seem necessary.


“Lexy!” Tempest shrieked, and I came running. Running fast. Of course, when Tempest needed me I had to run fast. She was an impatient woman. But, since when had you met a patient one? He's talking to the reader? :? I sprinted round the corner and found her sitting on the grass giggling, ripping up single blades of grass in her hand.


“I don’t want you to play daisy chains with me stupid. I saw something.” She stared at me like I had just ruined her fun, and I sighed. I sat down next to her on the dewy grass, and looked her straight in the eye. She looked down once, she realized I was angry with her, and she sighed too. I took her hand.


“Tay, what did you see then if you want me to be interested. Please reword. :) Just means we won’t be able to eat tonight if you take up so much of my time saying you saw a plane.” She scowled at me like a five year old, and the mature mask on my face cracked. I smiled, but she just scowled harder.


“You know what I mean by saying I saw something! I was sitting daydreaming and I just saw a face. Y’know, just a face. I don’t know who it is, and I want you to tell me if you know it.” She took her right hand from mine and placed it on the side of my forehead. I quickly closed my eyes and let the picture play back to me. The face was male, strong, blank and white. We both knew what it was, who it was, but she just didn’t want to accept it. To tell me. She was scared, for the first time in years. I tried to urge the word out of my mouth, but it just wouldn’t slip out. But Tempest was one of them, why was she so scared! A female vampire could fight off nearly five males with a single breath. But why was she scared? I clutched onto her arm, and she buried her face in my chest. She started to sob, and stroked her hair.


“Who is it Tay?” She just sobbed harder. I pushed her lightly away from me so her face was looking at mine, and I caressed the side of her face. You have the word 'face twice in the paragraph, may I suggest you trim out what's in blue and use a word like, 'cheek' :P


“Chaos.”


Oo, aw, intriguing name. :twisted:

Done. You have a nice tale here. If you ever need anything else just let me know. :wink:

But, do know that I am working on someone elses novel at the moment.


- :smt059
"Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?”
-John 11:25-26



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