This is Life Now.

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"Hey Dad, can I go over to Mackenzie's for a little while to study?"
"Why do you need to be with a friend to study? Study by yourself, Kaitlynn."
"We were going to go over a Shakespeare play, verbally, together," I said, hoping that he'd let me out of this house, just for tonight, for an hour...
"No, end of discussion Kaitlynn," Dad said, looking at the paper, not looking up for a second.
Without another word I walked down the hall to my room.
"What do you think you're doing?" My dad called behind me.
"Going to my room, to study...alone."
"Well I'm afraid that'll have to wait, you have to clean those pans first, I'm not good at that."
"Sure, dad," I said, and I walked to the kitchen. I made a disgusted look when I saw the sink. The pans had crust all inside them and you couldn't clean them with the one thing my dad had bought because I had to stay after school one night to make up a test, crappy hand wash, the one thing she asked him to get, he didn't get the correct thing.
This is how life was now, I worked as a waitress at Ben's Diner for over a year now, before and after school, all day on weekends. Dad never looked for a job, didn't help around the house, didn't even buy groceries, ever. He hadn't started this until after mom died. She died in a car accident, 4 years back. Ever since then, Dad hasn't tried to move on with his life at all, and I was stuck taking care of me and him. I miss my mother terribly, she was the only one that I could talk to and be myself around. Sure, I have friends at school but I can never see them out of school. I've never been to a football game, dance, or even a pep rally.
I'm sixteen, and I have my permit, but my dad's Nissan doesn't work very well, so I'm stuck walking to school, and riding a bus to work, every day of my life. We barely have enough money to get by. The only cash flow we get is from me, and tips do add up, but to get a car that'd take a lot of money.
I needed something to get through to him, I can't live like this anymore.
Last edited by JordanEmert on Fri Jan 22, 2010 2:37 am, edited 1 time in total.
Well, yes mate. See, I’m dishonest. And a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly. It’s the honest ones you need to watch out for, because you never know when they’re going to do something incredibly..stupid.
Jack Sparrow<3




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Sad story! I can't imagine a life without my mom. Just a couple things:
-add more deatils. what does her father look like? Is she mad at him for not moving on, tired of having to continually take care of him? Is she disipointed or frustrated that she doesn't get any slack? does she hate her job?

Thats all I have to say. Keep writing. I'm excited to hear more about Kaitlyn and her rtiumphants and troubles!

Peace
~*~fairygirl~*~
“"Up is down"? Well, that's just maddeningly unhelpful.”
~Jack Sparrow, At Worlds End




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Awww! This was so heart-breaking! Only a couple Nit-Picks:

The N in Nissan should be capitilized.

I made a disgusted look when I saw the sink. The pans had crust all inside them and you couldn't clean them with the hand wash that her dad bought, he never got actual dish soap.
In this sentence the HER before dad should be MY. You mentioned later that he didn't do anything, didn't buy anything...so how did he buy the hand wash if he didn't buy anything?

That's it really, I hope you follow up on this I really liked it! :)


~Jasmine Bells~
Peace, Love, Writing, Insanity and Chocolate
I am nothing
but a mouthful of 'sorry's, half-hearted
apologies that roll of my tongue, smoothquick, like 'r's
or maybe like pocket candy
that's just a bit too sweet.

~*~




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Hi there, JordanEmert. I'm Conrad Rice, and I will be your reviewer for today.

So, you have some conflict here, which is good. But you need to have something a bit more than that now. You need these characters to act out their conflict, rather than just one of them complaining about their lot in life. We need a rising action, a climax, and a resolution.

You've got a good start here, but this is just begging for some more expansion. PM me if you have any questions or comments.

Good job, and good luck.

-Conrad Rice
Garrus Vakarian is my homeboy.




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Wheadee
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It's good, it's bad, it's confusing. I agree with the others, add more detail. It's sounds like it has potential, don't pitch this, keep working on it. :smt002

I hope you elaborate more on what life was like before her mother died. It seems as if though that's going to be an important part of the story.




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I agree with everyone else, ADD MORE DETAILS. I'd definitely like to see where this is going. :D



Perfect kindness acts without thinking of kindness.
— Lao Tse