ROBOT--Chapter one

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Prologue
"It’s heavily sedated sir. And disarmed.”
“You’re positive?”
“Yes sir.”
The thing they were talking about was lying on a cold metal table, its eyes closed. The skin above the curious eyes twitched upon hearing voices but soon the distraction was pushed away.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
“Alright, then.” The man’s voice said, sounding relieved. “It’s a good thing it was captured before it got too far.”
“Yes sir. 199 should probably be terminated right away,” the other man’s voice added. “It knows too much.”
“I know, but Harrison, look at it! It’s perfect! It has an unbelievable thinking pattern and—“
“Sir, it's gotten very, very close to escaping. We’re waiting for your permission to insert the kill code. I’m close to destroying it with or without your authorization.”
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
“Fine. Do it.” The first man ordered regrettably. “The next prototype will be less resisting.” He promised.
“Yes sir.” Quiet, firm footsteps approached the table and 199 could imagine the slim C.D. in the man’s hand.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Go.
With a flurry of movement, the machine broke through the chins holding down its wrists and ankles. It tore off the mask covering its nose and mouth and opened its sky blue eyes.


CHAPTER ONE
“Alert, we have a breech! I repeat, we have a breech! Get to your positions now! This is not a drill!”
Men rolled out of cots, confused at first as they pulled on vests and helmets. Many were muttering under their breath, but only two looked close to punches.
“C’mon Reggie,” a brown haired man snarled, his dark brown eyes scanning the room. “This is the worst job in the world. Every other second is another drill—"
“Soldiers, to your stations!” a man shouted above the grumblings. Reggie glanced over at his friend, his black eyes worried.
“What?” the brown haired man growled as he grabbed his hand guns. “If it is real, I’m gonna go shootin' anything that gets in my way,” he explained harshly before exiting the room, followed by Reggie and several other men.
A tall broad shouldered man with graying hair smacked the brown eyed man hard across the head upon hearing his loud voice.
“Shut up soldier. This is serious,” he snapped. The man rolled his eyes as they leaned against the walls next to a thick door.
“Drills, supposedly are,” he said with a chuckle.
“Bones,” Reggie warned as the leader reached over to hit the brown haired man again. Nick “Bones” Skulls ducked out of the way easily, a bright smile on his face.
“Aright, don’t get your gun in a knot,” he said.
“This sounds important. Would you knock it off and TRY to be somber?”
“Listen, Reggie, this is just another brilliant idea to keep us sitting for hours in a cold room with nothing to do.”
“I don’t kn—“
BOOM!
The recruits were thrown backwards with the momentum of the blow, most of them crashing into the walls.
“This is one heck of a drill Bones!” Reggie snarled over the dust.
“Ranks, boys!” The sergeant ordered.
Immediately, the seven men stumbled into a line. Nicolas felt very exposed being in the center. Blinking away the dirt in his eyes, he finally managed to squint through the rubble. There in the broken doorway stood a slim figure. Eventually it stepped into the swaying light and Bones heard gasps all around him.
It was a girl. She was extremely pale with sky blue eyes and dirty blonde hair. She was holding a CD of some kind in her hands. The girl seemed awfully fond of it seeing how tightly she clutched it. Bones was used to his normal reaction and he aimed and pulled the trigger without much thought. The bullet whizzed straight towards the CD. He knew his aim was true but the girl was too fast. She jerked the CD away and glared at him
“Oh boy—“ Bones murmured under his breath.
She charged him, ignoring the sudden flurry of bullets flying her way. Bones gave a shout, breaking ranks and bolting. She followed him, only feet away. Bones sprinted, pointing behind him and shooting occasionally. She never shouted or seemed hurt. She remained very cool and calm.
With sick realization, Bones came to a conclusion: whatever was following him (no matter how attractive this certain thing was) it was NOT human.
His legs began to feel numb and he was gasping for air as he ran through countless hall ways, trying to get whatever it was off his trail. If there was one word that could describe her, it would be determined. Or pissed.
There was no way he’d get out of this one. He’d done a lot of dumb things in his life, but shooting at that CD was probably the worst. No, scratch that, he told himself as his brain struggled to get air. The worst mistake was getting caught trying to shoot the dang CD.
Holy Hannah, that girl was getting too close for comfort. He had to do something. If he stopped, her momentum would crush him. If he kept running, he’d pass out. An idea swam into his mind. He didn’t like it, but it would give him a slight advantage. He kept running before cutting a sharp corner. She passed him by accident and he stumbled to a stop, coughing and panting. He leaned against the wall for support, his legs wobbling uncontrollably. And he thought training had been hard…
Everything was calm again. He had pulled himself out of trouble. He closed his eyes for a second, only one second and when they sluggishly reopened, he managed to only see the girl standing in front of him.
Hours Later
He felt sore. No, he felt worse than sore. He felt dead. His chest was aching and he was having trouble breathing. Leaning up just a little Bones managed to have a look around. Where was he…?
“Soldier! What’s your name!” He jumped sky high at the loud voice, only to give a grunt of pain.
“N-Nicolas Skulls, sir…” he muttered. His head was pounding and every bone felt broken.
“Bones!”a familiar voice shouted. “Sarg, that’s him!” Within seconds, Bones was grinning at his black friend.
“Hey Reggie. You know, if they wanted me to run a couple miles, they coulda’ just told me.” He croaked. “What happened? Where are we?”
“We’re in the debriefing room, second floor. I think that thing knocked you through a couple walls.” He explained carefully. He turned to another man. “We need paramedics up here, now.”
“Walls?” Bones asked groggily. Reggie pointed to a wall in front of him. Bones craned his neck and saw 3 man sized holes. “Holy shiz…” he mumbled, letting his head fall back down.
“How you feelin’ buddy?” Reggie asked nervously.
“Eh, kinda like I got tossed through three walls by some freak chick. How ‘bout you?” He asked lightly. Before Reggie had the chance to reply, the medics came and gently hauled Bones onto a gurney.
“I have no idea how he survived that.” The doctor said to the nurse as the piled him into the ambulance. “Broken bones, sure. But there isn’t even a scratch. No blood loss. This place is full of weirdo’s…”
Bones silently agreed as they left the testing facility. His job along with dozens of others was to guard anything inside from the outside. But he knew better. The real job was to guard anything outside from the things inside…
Last edited by fairygirl on Sat Jan 23, 2010 5:51 am, edited 4 times in total.
“"Up is down"? Well, that's just maddeningly unhelpful.”
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“Sir, it got very, very close to escaping. We’re waiting for your permission to insert the kill code. I’m close to destroying it with or without your authorization.”

This seems like improper language. ‘Sir, it’s gotten very, very...’

Every other second is another drill—

End it with a “

“What?” the brown haired man growled as he grabbed his hand guns. “If it is real, I’m gonna go angry.” He explained harshly before exiting the room, followed by Reggie and several other men.

Is this two men speaking? I can’t tell. ‘I’m gonna be angry.’

“Shut up shoulder. This is serious.” He snapped. The man rolled his eyes as they leaned against the walls next to a thick door.

Soldier.

“Aright, don’t get your gun in a knot.” He said.

I’ve just notice but you capitalize when you’re continuing your sentence. After quotation marks don’t capitalize if it’s a he said she said thing. And comma. If you continue with a he said she said use a comma instead of a period in your quotes.

BOOM!

I find this unneeded if you use the right words to describe the explosion. Like what you have written. You don’t need this if you believe your words are strong enough this part won’t come across as childish with sound effects and become more dramatic with how you describe the scene.

His legs began to feel numb and he was gasping for air as ran through countless hall ways, trying to get whatever it was off his trail. If there was one word that could describe her, it would be determined. Or pissed.

‘...gasping for air as he ran..’

“Soldier! What’s your name!” He jumped high sky to the loud voice, only to give a grunt of pain.

Sky high maybe?


All in all this is an interesting start. I was lost with character names but I think I have the hang of it now that I’ve finished readying. Did the women- robot- thing escape? It kind of reminds me of the Fifth Element... :) With a few minor adjustments (one’s above) this cleans up very well. It left me hanging. Can’t wait for what’s next.
We've all been broken in some way. It's just how we express it that makes us dffrent form eachother.

“This precious book of love, this unbound lover,
To beautify him only lacks a cover.”
~William Shakespeare, The Tragedy of Romeo and Juliet




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Wow...I really like this actually. I'm a bit jealous you stole my spot of number two ont the leader boards but nevermind that! Your really good. This however gaveme the slight feeling of MAximum Ride and the Halk. Maximum Ride is about a bunch of kids who have wings due to DNA splicing when they were embreos and escape from the sciency place called the School where they are kept, the Hawk is about a girl who has halk dna in her, kept in a lab, cannot speak basic english, and escapes...:/. Anyway I like this alot and if you can PM me with the next part I'd like that :)


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I am nothing
but a mouthful of 'sorry's, half-hearted
apologies that roll of my tongue, smoothquick, like 'r's
or maybe like pocket candy
that's just a bit too sweet.

~*~




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*Um, person above me or anybody else what leader boards are you talking about?*

And onto the story. I think this was a really entertaining read. It's one one of the best I've read in a while. I'm talking about the action. I'm a very big action fan so naturally once things began to escalate I read the piece like and man ignoring any stray grammar mistakes that I have seen. The people before me pointed out most of the mistakes I've seen, so I'll just leave you with my words of enjoyment. Keep up the good work. I'll be waiting for Chapter 3. Meanwhile I will try and find Chapter 1. :P Or was the thing before Chapter 2 the first chapter? :?
"Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?”
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“Alert, we have a breech, I repeat, we have a breech!

This may be a run-on sentence. It may be better to read as “Alert, we have a breech! I repeat, we have a breech!"


Many were muttering under their breath, but only two looked close to punches.

This too may also be considered to be a run-on a suggestion is to us a semicolon rather than a comma after breath.


It was a girl. She was extremely pale with sky blue eyes and dirty blonde hair.

You have showed an excellent style of description throughout the story. I can visualize the scenery.

This is an excellent story and I hope you add more to it.



Be careful or be roadkill.
— Calvin