Eulogy

Look to the moon.
On a night where the clouds appear as a painting,
Captured in a still frame.
When your breath is the only movement,
And the once furious wind
Lays at rest on the frozen ground.
I will stare back,
Unnoticed and observant.
Concealed in the blanket of the heavens.
This is the moment you will remember,
A sight burned into your mind
As deep as it had burned into mine.
One with no fault.
A moment between the world and yourself.
The only small wonder this world holds.

Eric--

I actually quite like this! I like that it's not completely broken, but isn't exactly complete sentences. The imagery is great. Too often we see poems that don't do a very good job of "showing" the reader what is being talked about. Imagery helps us connect with the scene, and this is great.

The only thing I would say really needs addressed is the ending. I loved reading the poem, and I was waiting for the BAM at the end...and it never came. It needs to be dramatic, final, or very thought provoking. It needs to be something that smacks the reader in the face.

Good luck!
Via

Hey, Eric!

I fell in love with this poem. It's truly beautiful! Very simple and easy to appreciate. I love how it maintains its tone until the end. While I think Vi's suggestion of making a greater ending can be of benefit, I enjoy this just the way it is, in all of its simple, poetic glory.

The only thing that bothered me was your structure. Haha, I think it would be of benefit to not capitalize every single line, because it gets a little laborious to read through; in poetry, capital letters are like, new beginnings of ideas, and at each line, you're not exactly waking up a fresh idea.

Best of luck! Keep writing, really. I loved this.

June

Thank you very much Via and June. Both for the read and the suggestions. I'm learning more and more as I go about structuring my work, so the feedback helps a lot. I'll probably add more to it as i have more ideas. I'm glad you both liked it though. I'm looking forward to reading some of your work as well.

Hey!

Look to the moon.
On a night where the clouds appear as a painting,
Captured in a still frame.
When your breath is the only movement, (Full stop?)
And (Cut the 'and' maybe?) the once furious wind
Lays at rest on the frozen ground. (I love these two lines. )
I will stare back,
Unnoticed and observant.
Concealed in the blanket of the heavens. (And this one!)
This is the moment you will remember,
A sight burned into your mind
As deep as it had burned into mine.
One with no fault.
A moment between the world and yourself.
The only small wonder this world holds.

I really liked this! You've got some very powerful images, which are very emotional. However, I think you could maybe work on putting a bit more emotion overall into the poem.
In my opinion, I would leave the ending as it is as well. For instance the line, "captured in a still frame". You shouldn't get rid of it, but it just feels a bit bland.

I don't think you should change the ending at all. It feels right the way it is.

Wonderful stuff,
Keep it up!

This was awesome! I totally know what you mean by how the clouds look like a painting. Your imagery was great, and I really love this poem! It was also really bittersweet, which I like in poems. Overall, really nice job. You have tons and tons of talent.

--Dreamy