Shifters: Chapter 1 part 2

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Here we go, Chapter 2 of Shifters... Enjoy :D


Chapter 2

I blinked a couple of times. “That is the lamest pick-up line ever.”

He racked a hand through his hair and laughed. “I know, that sounded weird, but I was hoping once you got here everyone would move and leave me alone. It feels like forever before you actually did.”

“Uh huh.” I eyed him sceptically. “You know, you don’t look Asian at all.”

“My family’s moved a lot.”

“Where are you from?”

“Depends in which year you’re talking.”

Before I could ask anything, Miss Bison called Anthony to the front of the classroom. He got up and walked, confidently, forward. He must’ve been at least six feet tall. I leaned slightly to the left. Add nice butt to that.

He stopped at the front and looked over to the teacher. She gestured toward the other teenagers. When he didn’t do anything, she gave him an almost murdering glare. “Well, don’t you want to present yourself?”

He feigned a surprised look. “I thought you wanted me to do a mime act. Sorry, teach,” he added quickly after her features had turned considerably red. “So...my name is Anthony Blair, I come from Japan, although I’m obviously not from there. I was born in the United States, actually.” He winked at me. “I’m spending a whole school year here, to learn French. And... I hope to make lots of friends, I guess.”

You’d have thought he’d said I love you. That’s about the effect it had on the female counterpart in the room. If we had been cartoon characters, they’d have little hearts popping in their eyes. Even CJ was looking at him like that. I sighed hopelessly. Sure, he was handsome, but hot guys like that were always jerks in high school. Proven fact.

Anthony turned to the teacher and shrugged. “That’s it.” He came back and sat down. The teacher went on to check the absences.

“So... Since we get along so well-“he started

“We do?” I said sarcastically.

“-I thought you could maybe show me around, even hang out, if you want.”

I looked off from him to the rest of the class. I was earning lots of seriously evil glares. Best not to look at them long; I could almost feel them staring through me. I turned back to him. “Sure Anthony, I could show you around school.” I gave him a shy smile.

“Call me Tony”

“Tony” I acknowledged.

“I’m guessing you like music.” He jerked his head towards my agenda, where music notes and group and album pictures were smooched together on the cover.

“Yeah, I want to be a music producer.”

“Oh that’s cool.”

I cleared my throat. “Um... And you?”

“Yeah,” he laughed “I’m not sure, I like to live off of the moment... If I’m alive long enough, I might go for a career.”

I looked at him in surprise, but before I could ask what he meant the teacher called us to pay attention to the lesson. We never got the chance to talk again during the lesson. Afterwards, I showed him around the school – although it took forever since people were stopping us to ask him questions every five seconds – and then presented him to my friends when I went to grab my stuff. CJ, Murielle, Katherine were very pleased to meet him, and then again, so were Yvan, Peter, Sebastian and Cedric, although they were thinking of him as a future hockey partner. Guys!

* * *

And so went on the week. I helped Anthony navigate around school and told him how things worked. He ended up hanging out with my friends and me and seemed to want to stick with us, despite the numerous offers of others to join them. So we taught him some French and he told us a few words in Japanese. Too complicated.

So there I was, walking home from CJ’s house, after our weekly Friday after-school get-together. Once I reached the forest, I cranked up the music on my IPod Touch and hummed along to Pitbull’s I know you want me. Following the small path I’d created over time, I passed among the trees but couldn’t admire much of the greenery since the sun was starting to set. Five minutes later, I reached my house.

Standing alone amid the trees, the house was a beautiful beige bricked two story house. A lone garage was attached to it as well, where my old Mazda hid. Yeah, I had my own car, but I didn’t use it much since I only ever went to school.

The house was almost the only one in this forest. The only other was my grandmother’s, Nana. No, it used to be hers, but she died a year ago. The house was put on the market and had remained there ever since.

I walked up to the front door and unlocked it. Out came Abby, my two year old Golden Retriever. My parents had bought her for me when Nana had died, to keep me company since I used to always spend my time with her.

“Hey girl!” I exclaimed. Abby dashed passed me and into the forest. That’s weird. I frowned. She always greeted me before running off. I shrugged. Oh well. I walked into the living room and froze. Something didn’t feel right. I looked around but didn’t see anyone watching me. Something felt really wrong, like off somehow. My heart beat accelerated. I quietly moved towards the closet beside me, not keeping my gaze off the interior of the house. I grabbed the baseball bat I kept inside the closet and moved further into the house. I kept the front door open, in case if I needed to make a run for it.

I walked slowly, glimpsing into the kitchen, office and bathroom as I passed each one. I opened the master bedroom’s door. Nothing. I reached my room. My heart seemed to be beating faster now. It’s almost like I knew something was wrong. I opened the door, careful to make no noise. It was dark inside; my curtains had been drawn to cover the windows. I didn’t do that. My grip on the bat tightened. I set one foot in the room and heard a menacing growl. I froze when my eyes finally adjusted to the dark and saw what was there.

What looked to be some kind of rhinoceros, with a pair of wings on the back stared back at me. Its eyes glowed red back at me. I shook in fear when I noticed its body was covered in stone. No, its body was stone. It pawed the floor, sign it would charge into something. I didn’t stick around to see what.

I dashed through the hallway as it charged across my bedroom, after me. I heard the door rip apart and objects smashed to pieces by its burly size. I made it through the front door just before that... that thing blew it to pieces. I headed towards the nearest houses, shouting for someone to help me. I didn’t make ten feet before I was pushed to the ground by a crushing weight. It had only hit me with a front paw, or else I would’ve probably died. It landed over top of me, hiding me beneath it and between its four paws. It seemed confused since it couldn’t see me anymore. Though dumb it seemed, it wouldn’t take long for it to realize where I was. I reacted quickly, squirming to get out from beneath it. Just as I got out and up on my feet, it saw me and moved its head, slashing me across the back with its front horn. I screamed as I flew a couple feet forward and landed on my back. I gasped loudly at the pain. It hurt so badly! I could feel blood dripping down my back. Survival instincts kicked in though and I tried to get myself up, without success. The pain was just too... Damn it, it just hurt! A lot!

It seemed to sense my weakness, too. It took the time to place itself properly, paw the ground twice and then charged. I closed my eyes. I was going to die. At least it’s going to be a quick death.

Nothing came, however. Before the beast could get to me, someone picked me up and moved away. Real fast, too. But the movements definitely didn’t help the throbbing back. I gasped loudly and tears streamed down my face.

“I’m sorry” a male voice whispered. I opened my eyes a crack, then widely as a beautiful angel placed me against a tree trunk. He had shining blond hair, sparkling blue eyes and skin that radiated a yellowish aura. Completely dressed in black leather, except for a long white leather coat, he had beautiful white feathered wings sprouted behind his back. Magnificent. But it wasn’t hard – even in my terrible state – to piece together two and two.

The angel was Anthony.
Last edited by Spitfire on Mon Aug 16, 2010 10:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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Hey Suz, it's me! And guess what? I'm your first review...:D

A lone garage was attached to it as well, where my old Mazda hid.
Shouldn't it be a Toyota? :lol:

Abby dashed passed me and into the forest
Maybe you could add here 'with her tail tucked between her legs' or something since it's the rock dude who scared her.

I walked into the living room and froze. Something didn’t feel right. I looked around but didn’t see anyone watching me. Something felt really wrong, like off somehow
Ok, this part is off for me. Why would she automatically assume someone's watching her? Ok, it feels wrong, but why? IS there something out of place? Are the birds -if you have any in the house- not chirping? Is their en eerie silence? Is the house too quiet maybe?

I headed towards the nearest houses, shouting for someone to help me.
What nearest houses? You said it was only yours and Nana's houses out there.

So those were my only nitpicks, I absolutely loved this chapter. The action was good, as far as I was concerned, and I got a good feel about this chapter....Pm me for the next, eh?

Love you, Tanya




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Hey! I really liked this chapter. I only have a few problems with it...

I walked into the living room and froze. Something didn’t feel right. I looked around but didn’t see anyone watching me. Something felt really wrong, like off somehow. My heart beat accelerated. I quietly moved towards the closet beside me, not keeping my gaze off the interior of the house. I grabbed the baseball bat I kept inside the closet and moved further into the house. I kept the front door open, in case if I needed to make a run for it.

Why did she react this way? What physical things made her grab the bat and prowl about looking for danger besides this vauge "feeling". Maybe there was a loud noise and no one else was home. Maybe something was broken in a place the dog couldn't get to.

You do a lot of Telling in this chapter instead of Showing (you could have done the same in the previous chapter, but perhaps I wasn't focused in on it to tell you then). When you write, you want to Show the reader what happens rather than just Tell them it happens. Here is an article that can explain it better than I can: topic41426.html

Mostly, the advice I can offer to you is to remember the five senses. Sight, touch, taste, smell, and sound. Let us know what your characters are getting in regards to these senses. Let the reader experience what you write along with your characters. It is a much more satisfying thing to read.

That's really all I have to say. Look at that article, definitely. I used to have a big problem with telling and not showing (I'm sure everyone does). Keep Writing! I'm excited to read more!

-Lauren
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Hey,

I liked this alot but not as much as the last one because the angels/wings thing is a bit overplayed too. I liked the riono-winged thingy because that's oriinality right there! :) I still want to read more so PM me when you post more of this! :)

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Ooh I really like what you've got here! I'm definitely hooked! :D

WritingSpitfire wrote:“I’m spending a whole school year here, to learn French. And... I hope to make lots of friends, I guess.”


So the setting is in France?

Sure, he was handsome, but hot guys like that were always jerks in high school. Proven fact.


Haha. Sadly true. Although I do know one exception.

“So...Ssince we get along so well-“ he started.


“Call me Tony.

“Tony,” I acknowledged.


Keep an eye on your punctuation. ;)

CJ, Murielle, Katherine were very pleased to meet him, and then again, so were Yvan, Peter, Sebastian and Cedric, although they were thinking of him as a future hockey partner. Guys!


Okay, there are a lot of names you're introducing all of a sudden. Do you really need to name them all? You could say, for example, "Some guys from the hockey team were pleased to meet him, for the fact that they were thinking of him as a future hockey player." Something like that.

What looked to be some kind of rhinoceros, with a pair of wings on the back stared back at me. Its eyes glowed red back at me. I shook in fear when I noticed its body was covered in stone. No, its body was stone. It pawed the floor, sign it would charge into something. I didn’t stick around to see what.


Ooh. *shivers* I like this. :D

The angel was Anthony.


Good cliffhanger!

I'm really looking forward to the next chapter! :D
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
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Hey there!
Sorry, I got here so late. But let's get on with this review, shall we? :D

Okay, I'm not exactly going to nitpick because well, that's pretty much been done.
But here are a few things I did catch.
“So... Since we get along so well-“he started

Period at the end.
“Oh that’s cool.”

Comma after 'Oh'
“Hey girl!” I exclaimed. Abby dashed passed me and into the forest. That’s weird. I frowned. She always greeted me before running off. I shrugged. Oh well. I walked into the living room and froze. Something didn’t feel right. I looked around but didn’t see anyone watching me. Something felt really wrong, like off somehow. My heart beat accelerated. I quietly moved towards the closet beside me, not keeping my gaze off the interior of the house. I grabbed the baseball bat I kept inside the closet and moved further into the house. I kept the front door open, in case if I needed to make a run for it.

This part, certainly moved a little too fast for my taste. Maybe you could slow it down and add some more description, slowly building the atmosphere. :)
****
So far, I like the start of this chapter. It was funny and his responses seem witty.
Anthony seems cool and all, I just wish I saw a little bit more of him and they got to bond a little bit more before totally breaking out the whole Angel thing. Although I've got to say, that was pretty cool! :D
Everything seems to be flowing alright and I like how little grammar mistakes you have, it's so much easier to read.
Keep it up and don't hesitate to pm me when the next part it out!

~Pink
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