The Last Storm (5)

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Please let me know if this moves too fast.

Chapter Four

“Hey,” Zach stood up, knife in hand. I was happy to see he stayed in charge while we were away. Abby looked totally fine, and for once since I saw her, not in pain. She gave sort of an… angelic appearance, her golden headband shining more than ever. “What did you guys find?”

“The noises you heard came from a radio. A man is positioned on the San Francisco Golden Gate Bridge. We need to go there.” Joe was already packing. He had a small backpack hidden in the corner of our shelter, and stuffed it with various cans he must have found while rummaging through houses.

“We are going to walk there? We are across the entire bay from there! Without a boat it will take days!”

“Weeks, probably. You two don’t look like the fastest walkers.” His voice was cold, “If anything, you’ll just slow us down.” Joe stood up and walked outside. We followed, having nothing to bring ourselves.

“What is that supposed to mean?” Zack stood up tall and tightened his grip on the knife. I sighed.

Joe ignored him, “We will walk - though I am hoping to find a car or some automobile we can use - along the bay, since being closer to water is safest; we will have somewhere to run. We will go all the way down to San Jose, then loop around the end of the Bay, and back up to San Francisco. We will have to pass National Parks and Woods. If we survived the storm, animals must have, too. So we will have to be on our guard. We will go into each town and area where things don’t look too bad and look for survivors, food, and weapons.” Joe turned around and pointed to Zach, then at me, “Give her the knife.”

Zach handed it over to me, but I just stared at Joe. “He has more use for it than I do. He could protect us-“

“He is also eleven.” Joe grabbed the knife from Zach and forced it into my shaking hand.

I stared down at the sharp blade. The wooden handle reminded me of the knives I used to have in my home. How I only used to chop vegetables and meat with it, and now it could be used to kill something?

“I-“ But, I soon realized that there was no giving in to Joe. When he made up his mind, there was no changing it. And ten-to-one, even though I had little confidence in myself, the knife would be more useful in my hands. “Okay.”

We walked away from the shelter. Our little team: Joe in front, the kids in the middle, Zach half-carrying Abby, and I in back. Joe walked on, but I couldn’t help sneaking one last look at my temporary home.

Its always-moving walls were damper than ever - it had rained the night before - but the wooden roof held strong. Maybe Joe was more useful than I had thought.

But, could his handiness help us with the journey ahead? My entire life from the point of the storm had been crazy, but a walk to San Francisco seemed like a walk to the noose. We had no idea what was out there, or how to defend ourselves against it. I was more afraid than I had been since I found out my parents were…dead.

I swallowed-hard. It was still difficult to except the fact that I would never see them again.

But, like Joe said, we were alive, and we must live. So, I walked away, swallowing down tears, following complete strangers to a new chapter in my life.
And this time, I didn’t look back.

Episode 2

********

“Mrs. Pierce, I can’t help but thinking we are missing some part of the story. I feel like Joe knew something at this point that you didn’t. But, I can’t put my finger on it.” Mr. Colton whispered as if the story was affecting his way of life or something.

“Well, there is something. I mean, you all know the history of your present world…”

“You were that Mary?” Mr. Colton asks, mouth open wide.

“Of course; why else would you be interviewing me?”

“I guess I figured they already knew everything…”

“No,” I shift my position on the couch. “Not everything.”

********

To exit our town, we would have to swim across some body of water. They weren’t big, though.

We had two choices: Go across a deep and ever-moving 15 foot river, or a 30 foot break in the bay, but it was quiet and still. I voted for the still one, but Joe thought it would be easier on all of us the shorter the swim. I had no choice to agree. He sounded like he knew what he was talking about, and I knew nothing.

So we headed for the tip of the island that I used to call my home. And for once in my life, I regretted growing up on an island.

The rest of the town was just the same as the rest: colorless, odorless, and people-less. I felt so alone, even though I was with three other people.

Zach always seemed confident. He was almost like a miniature Joe, though not as god-like. And Abby’s heel was feeling better, so every so often she would walk on her own. Swimming was going to be easy, and hopefully relieving for her.

And Joe. Joe always amazed me. He now walked with his shirt off, displaying dark abs and a toned back.

But Joe had more than just looks - including perfect hair and deep considering eyes. He was impossible. He was magical, like he wasn’t created by other humans, but by some fantastic source. The way his steps flowed gracefully even though he walked on uneven surfaces told me one thing: he was not from this world.

Up ahead, I saw him stop and turn around. His face was troublesome. I ran up ahead to him and the kids, as quietly as I could, for I didn’t know what was up ahead. Joe held his index finger to his lips and made a “shh” sound. I nodded and stepped in front of him. He placed a hand on my shoulder, and I shivered. It was a good, warm shiver though.

I could hear rustling noises, but couldn’t see anything. We must have walked into a property, because small remains of a house lay beneath us. To the left of me, there was even a piece of terra-cotta roof intact. I was standing on checkered tile that I assumed to be from a bathroom. How tacky, I thought - idiotically, I might add.

Then a white animal showed its beautiful face from behind an old kitchen counter a few feet from where I was standing. I jumped, but it didn’t hear me. It was making too much noise searching for something.

“I think there’s food here,” Joe whispered in my ear, the warmth from his breath soothing me. “We need that food. Any ideas?”

“Not get into a battle with a hungry wild dog?” I took a step back, but just ran into Joe’s body.

“It doesn’t look wild. It has a collar.” I looked and, sure enough, a red band rested around its neck. I thought for a moment. It wouldn’t be smart of us to show ourselves to the dog... pampered or not, it was still hungry, and we were food.

“Do you have any more beans?” I asked, because I had a plan.




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Alright here I am reviewing for you. So far this is the best chapter! For me at least.

You gave lots of description form the beginning. Which is fantastic! In this chapter I really felt like I was there with them. I like how you described Abby. I'm sorry I don't correct on grammar. I'm not so good at grammar myself.

captain.classy wrote:“Mrs. Pierce, I can’t help but thinking we are missing some part of the story. I feel like Joe knew something at this point that you didn’t. But, I can’t put my finger on it.” Mr. Colton whispered as if the story was affecting his way of life or something.

“Well, there is something. I mean, you all know the history of your present world…”

“You were that Mary?” Mr. Colton asks, mouth open wide.

“Of course; why else would you be interviewing me?”

“I guess I figured they already knew everything…”

“No,” I shift my position on the couch. “Not everything.”


This was the best to me! It totally left me in a cliff-hanger! Now I can see more of your plot which is good. This is getting interesting...

captain.classy wrote:But Joe had more than just looks - including perfect hair and deep considering eyes. He was impossible. He was magical, like he wasn’t created by other humans, but by some fantastic source. The way his steps flowed gracefully even though he walked on uneven surfaces told me one thing: he was not from this world.


This scared me a little. He isn't really from-? He just can't be-? This got me a little suspicious. Another thing to keep me hooked.
Just one thing, I noticed you developed the character of Joe but could you develop your character a little bit more? And maybe the kids? That's all I'm asking.

So far this is the best chapter, I know you'll make the next chapter even better! I'm sorry again for not nit-picking. I really can't give harsh critiques.
Pm me when you have the next brilliant chapter!
I follow four rules when writing
1. Don't think. Just write.
2.Never take the pencil from the page when writing
3.Don't erase. Even if what you wrote didn't make sense
4.No need for grammar,punctuation, or spelling when writing

And when your done writing you stop and break all the rules




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I'm afraid I have to disagree with Nick. The previous chapters were fantastic, but I found this one seemed rushed and distant, and with some inconsistencies.

“I-“ But, I soon realized that there was no giving in to Joe. When he made up his mind, there was no changing it. And ten-to-one, even though I had little confidence in myself, the knife would be more useful in my hands. “Okay.”

If she has little confidence in herself, then why does she say ten-to-one the knife would be more useful in her hands. So she thinks there's a 90% chance of her being better at knife-fighting than Zach, but at the same time she has little confidence? Inconsistency.

Zach always seemed confident. He was almost like a miniature Joe, though not as god-like. And Abby’s heel was feeling better, so every so often she would walk on her own. Swimming was going to be easy, and hopefully relieving for her.

Slow down and show this. Let a problem arise where Zach can display his confidence. It'll mean so much more, and the reactions of the other characters will give us a better idea about them, as well as contrasting with Zach.

But Joe had more than just looks - including perfect hair and deep considering eyes. He was impossible. He was magical, like he wasn’t created by other humans, but by some fantastic source. The way his steps flowed gracefully even though he walked on uneven surfaces told me one thing: he was not from this world.

He sounds amazing, but not enough to justify assuming he's from another world. There's people who do much wierder things than walk gracefully on uneven surfaces, and no one's called me an alien because I have perfect hair 8)

It would be fine to say "it was as if he was from another world." At the moment she seems to truly think he is, which makes her sound like a crackpot. This person's a bit unusual - must be an alien.

The rest of the town was just the same as the rest: colorless, odorless, and people-less.

This is a good description of desolation, but it raises credibility issues. I assume no one's picked up the dead bodies from the storm right? What about the rotting smell? The moisture from the storm would have accelerated this process. This description would be fitting of a place long devoid of life, not one where everyone's died in the past couple of days.

pampered or not, it was still hungry, and we were food.

1. A single dog wouldn't attack 4 humans. It would have to be pretty desperate to attack even one. Humans are much bigger than dogs.
2. Why would it be hungry with all of the dead people around. A dog would much sooner eat an already dead human than attack a living one where its chances of survival would be slim.

The first issue is more a warning than a complaint. It's fine for her to think that, it just shows she doesn't know much about dogs. If you were planning on having the dog attack, reconsider.

I jumped, but it didn’t hear me.

And dogs have very good hearing.

Sorry to be a downer, but I know you can improve this, because the last couple of chapters were very good.
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A: At the shoez canal, lol.




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Here I am (finally)!
This is going to be blunt:
I have no idea where the characters are.
Everything else seems good, you have several good hooks going. But, your not describing the surroundings. If they're in a building, tell us that it's a building, not just what it looks like, give us readers some clue that makes us instantly think "building".
I don't think this is moving too fast. Yeah it could be slowed down a little but I like a story where things are always happening.
Oh and I finally understand what you mean by this:
Mrs. Pierce, I can’t help but thinking we are missing some part of the story.

I had forgotten earlier that she was telling this story as an adult. Sorry about that. :oops:

Overall, I find this very interesting. You have a unique idea and style here, so keep it up. A little work on how your writing flows would be nice too.
Hope I was somewhat of a help. Post more soon! :P
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Look to Jesus.:)




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Hey Classy, I'm finally here.
I have to rewrite this review because my computer messed up and I lost it. :(
How sad, oh well. Here we go again!

Your grammar is really good, I've got to say. I didn't catch any big mistakes, just a few things here and there but I don't want to go back and find them so whatever. But can I suggest you put some of your quotes and sentences together? For example:
"I don't think that's a good idea," she said, pacing back and fourth.
"We need to leave, right now!" he shouted, stuffing his bag with his clothes.
"I hate you," he whispered, pointing his long thin finger at her.
Something like that. Just play around with your sentences.
As for you pace, I disagree with Hippe. I don't think it's moving too fast. Sure there are a few things that go unexplained but overall, sometimes a story needs to jump around and needs to speed up in some parts. You don't want to drag either. And especially in this type of story you have. I'd expect a few parts to move along fast since well, it's action/adventure right? But that's just my thoughts on it.
I also agree with Pretty Crazy with the whole describe your surroundings. I mean sometimes I can't tell what the characters are doing or where they are. So just remember to write down what they're currently doing or where they are. Take a step by step approach, maybe.
As for Joe and his 'out of this planetness' I think it's cool but remember to show more and more of why she starts to think that. I'd like to see how this part of the story turns out. :)
Well, that's about it. Remember to PM me when the next part is out :D

~Pink
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-W. Somerset Maugham




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Hey Classy, it's me again!

“The noises you heard came from a radio
Aha! I was right! :D

He had a small backpack hidden in the corner of our shelter, and stuffed it with various cans he must have found while rummaging through houses
I actually have a small issue here, one that I forgot bring up in the last chapters. Ok, storms cause damages, I know that but I have difficulty believing that everything got demolished. I mean, this isn't an earth quake, the hurricane wasn't going all over the place and back again. Couldn't they have found at least one house with walls up for a better protection than the shabby shelter? BUT what you described is that everything was totaled. And yet here you say he must have found the food in houses. Say, what? I don't know if I'm clear here, I might be too tired to be coherent, let me know if this doesn't make sense, ok?

“We are going to walk there? We are across the entire bay from there! Without a boat it will take days!”
I would italicize 'walk'

I stared down at the sharp blade. The wooden handle reminded me of the knives I used to have in my home. How I only used to chop vegetables and meat with it, and now it could be used to kill something?
I really liked this, very visual. I could picture my own knifes, the ones my mom has that I've used since I was old enough to use them. Nicely done.

But, I soon realized that there was no giving in to Joe. When he made up his mind, there was no changing it
How can she know this? I'm under the impression that they've known each other for less than 24 hours. If that's not the case, please find a way to enlighten us further. We need time limits of some sort. Three moons had passed, they slept for two weeks huddled under the shelter . . . Something, anything to give an idea how long they've known each other.

Mr. Colton whispered as if the story was affecting his way of life or something.
You're still going for the present tense here? Whispers . . :P

Okay, the rest has already been mentioned (where are the dead bodies, should be odors, etc) but there's another thing that bothers me (please don't think I'm harsh, just pointing stuff out) When did she start seeing Joe as a god-like creature? She had never before noticed his beautiful eyes or abs, or how calm and perfect he was. Has cupid's arrow suddenly struck her in the butt? Maybe you could build up to this, maybe if you lenghten the time they've spent together (and showed us) then we'd discover like she does that Joe's beginning to interest her. Makes sense? Huh, maybe not. Sorry if it doesn't. Just finished work and I'm going to bed,

Overall, I really enjoyed this. I don't think it's fast-paced, per say, but I would really go back and build up on their relationship. I like Zach. Every girl dreams of having a big brother who will defend her. I don't like Joe, I'll be frank. I find he's callous and inconsiderate but I assume there's a reason and I'm anxious to discover it.

I really hope my reviews were helpful; please pm me for your next chapter? :D

Tanya



There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum.
— Arthur C. Clarke