My artifice

My Friend,
heed my words,
lend your ears,
ease your guard,
so that I may take from you
more than I give.

Lax your eyes, but
veil your heart
and cover your ears
to all others but me.
I'll keep your trust
under lock and key.

Worry no more-no need to
succumb to such labor.
Rest your burdens upon me.
I'll slave to the end of days
to put your struggles at end.
So do not ponder; do not think.
Why go through such trouble, when one (such as I) who knows you most,
can do it for you?

Hey, Ray!

Such a pretty poem!


In the third stanza, the first line stumbles. I'm not sure that no more-no reads as smoothly as it should (and as a side note, a dash is two hyphens, dear). The third line sounds like a fragment because of how short the sentence is compared to the others; I'd end that line with a semicolon instead of a period.


"Why think?" sounds a little awkward -- maybe reword it so it's an indirect question?


Aside, I really liked this poem (-clicks like button-); it's been a while since I've read something simplistic and thoroughly enjoyable. Two thumbs up, and keep writing. I loved this, even if it's not the most original idea ever.


Write more, please.

June

This was a nice, simple poem, and I enjoyed reading it. :D

I agree with Juniper: the first line of the third stanza needs some work. I would suggest rephrasing the first and second lines to something like this: "Worry not -- there's no need / to succumb to labor."

Why think? When those

Should be "Why think when those" as it is all part of one question.

This was an interesting piece of work, and my qualms about it are few. The first is just plain subjective: I don't think that "Friend" in the first stanza needs to be capitalized. I can understand why one might do so, (perhaps an act of respect?), but it really comes across distracting.

I concur with the others that the "Why think?" line should be reworded better. It is rather jolting, but I don't think it ought to necessarily be deleted.

Other than that, you have crafted a poem that I intend to thumb's up. I especially enjoyed your phrases like "lax your eyes", etc.

See you around,

–antimelrose