Vampyre's Horror

I'm going to start posting my story, Vampyre's Horror. It is a working progress, so when you do read it, please, please, point out any tense errors, grammer errors, or anything that you don't understand.
There are two styles in this story, First person and Third person.
One of the characters is followed through First person, whereas the other characters will be followed in Third person. I'm trying to create an effect of two stories in one. If its too confusing, then I'll try to change it. But I'd really like your comments.

Thankyou

Fantasydotcom

PS: There will be some 'Bad' language and also some relationships are also mildly gay.

Shiro’s Memories

I walked down the snow covered path. The pale whiteness giving the world a dead glimpse of the little life winter had in store. Cold flakes of frozen water floated down from the grey, darkening clouds. Icicles hung on bare, snow laden branches of trees; their sharp tips pointing downwards like sharpened blades.
A cold bitter wind blasted through me, sending my cloak into frenzy. I stopped, guarding my face from the snow and sharp wind. The wind brought a message. A message of blood. The west. Two miles off. I fought back the natural instinct to go in for the smell of fresh blood. I continued northwards. It’s probably a kill by wolf.
I continued down the path. Under the moonlit sky, the white land beckoned me. The Pale Stranger.
I had no real memories, except of the girl Sarah, Hannah, and of that night, that changed me, forever.

“Sarah! Sarah!” I shouted to a little girl. She was only 4, and yet she was as lively as a 7 year old. My perfect little daughter ran towards me, her arms open. I stooped down to catch her in my own arms.
“Papa!” Sarah giggled as I lifted her high above my head. Her short blonde curls bouncing with the movement of her head.
I pulled her close into an embrace, “Sarah,” I brought her face to mine, “Listen, darling. Papa is going to be gone for a little while, okay?”
She looked at me with her bright blue eyes, confused at first, but a giant smile showed a moment later, “Okay, Papa.”
Hannah was nearby, watching us. I turned to face her, with Sarah in my arms. I gave her a soft smile. She smiled back.

The inn was dimly lit. I had arrived at a small village, so I had decided to stay the night. The Duke’s fort was only a day’s ride away. And I was expected a day later anyway. I had ordered a half pint of beer. I needed to stay alert in these types of places.
Whilst I was enjoying my drink in this crowded place, I noticed a stranger was watching me from underneath his hood. I ignored him, but I stole a glance back at him. He was sat in the far corner, by the window, a glass of red wine in his hand. The man then rose from his seat, took a slight bow towards me, and then silently left the inn. All was left of him was an empty glass.

I sat on my bed, staring out the window into the night sky. Winter was here already, as the first few flakes of snow drifted past my window. I enjoyed the sight, wishing that I could have spent these few moments with my family. Sarah would have giggled at the snow; attempting to catch them in her small hands. Hannah would be sat with me, watching our beautiful daughter.
As my mind was elsewhere, I didn’t notice the slight breeze that blew out the candle, as the door opened. I didn’t notice the stranger enter my room. I didn’t hear him creep up behind me, until his cold hands stroked my face. In anger and shock, I turned to face this intruder, “Who -” I stopped. Before me was a beautiful man, with long black silky hair, ebony eyes, and pale skin. The moment I looked into those bottomless black eyes, I was entranced; unable to speak, nor move.
“You are so beautiful, Shiro.” Whispered the man, his face getting closer to mine.
I was confused. Who was Shiro? I’m Thomas! I try to tell him, but I say nothing. Instead I look at this man in admiration. He had long beautiful eyelashes, which framed his lovely eyes. His lips were pale, like his skin, but still beautiful.
“I’m Kuro, Shiro,” the man continued, “and I’ll be your master and only one who you’ll ever love.”
I paled in shock. What is this man? Who is he? What does he want? Why does he call me Shiro? Questions without answers filled my mind.
Kuro then leaned in towards my neck, to kiss me? I tried to move away. But I can’t. Why? Then I felt his teeth against my skin. Then pain, then total ecstasy. I felt him suck my neck, as warm fluid flowed down my neck. Then I saw and felt nothing.

North City, year of 2072, one of the few places where humans thrive against the demons of the night. Also, the home of the slayers. Werewolf slayers. Demons, including werewolves and vampires from old fiction started to truly show themselves to the humans. At first there was panic and many were killed. Then people started living together in larger groups, defending themselves against the creatures. Great cities like North City were built around the world. And eventually, people started becoming bounty hunters and slayers.

Slayers worked for the city, given assignments and then executing them. They were paid through successful kills. These people stayed within the city, guarding it from the monsters. Each city was specialised to the particular monster that attacked. North City was also a home to werewolves. The cold winters often brought more werewolves, so the slayers had many to kill.

Bounty Hunters worked for themselves. Wandering the wilderness, killing any monster they see. And if one of their kills was a high ranked kill, they could be paid directly from the city they were closest to. Kills were recorded through sensors, which recorded the battle and type of monster defeated. Sensors were made by someone in 2032, but no one knows who. They came in the appearance of crosses on necklaces. Bounty hunters loved the idea of crosses, as Christianity was claimed to scare the monsters. So many wore crosses anyway by Bounty Hunters.

One of the highest ranked monsters was Vampires. Blood Suckers. Anyone who could kill a vampire was famous. Vampires were one of the hardest ones to kill, especially since they were dead already. Only one person could claim that he had killed a Vampire, and that was Killua Kross. He had slain the Vampire, Aka, the vampire who was infamous for attacking young children. But his real target was Kuro. No one had met Kuro and survived, and those who had met him, were vampires.

It was said that Kuro had lived for over 500 years, having a fetish for men, having one as pet in 1859...


Scarlett stopped reading. A vampire, who like men? How disgusting. She closed the book, and stared at the cover, A History Of Blood. What a wacky name for a study book. Putting the book down, Scarlett stood and stretched out all the kinks from sitting down for too long. Poor guy, being a pet for a vampire... She shuddered at the thought.
“Shit!” she exclaimed, “I’m going to be late for graduation!” She quickly rushed out of the room, dropping the book on the sofa, the door slammed in her wake.
In the corridor, Teddy was making his way out of his room, “Ah! Scarlett! Good Morning!” He smiled at the young woman rushing out of her apartment, “Lost track of time again?”
Scarlett gave him a rough look as she fumbled in her back for the keys.
“Ah, don’t worry,” Teddy drawled, “You’ve got plenty of time.” He strode up to her, inches away from her face, his green eyes looking into her own blood red eyes.
“I’m not in the mood Teddy.” Scarlett shoved the blonde haired man out of her way. She hurried down the corridor with Teddy following at a casual pace.
“Not in the mood? Are you ever in the mood?” He teased.
“Shut up!”
Teddy laughed from behind her. Teddy was the same age as her, 19, being her childhood friend. They had both decided to become Slayers for North City after Scarlett’s father had died slaying a werewolf 9 years ago. Teddy became a Slayer because he was expected to become the next Slayer in the Strike family. At first, it was only Scarlett who wanted to follow her father’s footsteps; Teddy didn’t want anything to do with Slayers. But it was only after her father’s death, that the two of them got serious and joined the training school at the age of 13.
They had both trained hard in the six years, and now, finally, the two of them were qualified Slayers. Well, after the graduation and they both signed the documents to prove that they were Slayers, will they be qualified Slayers.

“So, what do you think our first assignment will be?” Teddy whispered as the graduation speech was being given by the Head Slayer.
“Shut up!” Scarlett whispered back.
Teddy sniggered, “Bet it’s something real boring and without any fun!”
Scarlett ignored him, and clapped her hands with Teddy when the speech ended.

“Receptionist! Next!”
Scarlett sighed heavily, a receptionist...great. Teddy won that bet. She flicked through the papers she was given, reading the task objectives given to her.
“I was right!” Teddy came up from behind her, “It is boring. A receptionist. What you get?” He laughed out loud, “A receptionist?”
Scarlett blushed, even better. She was working with Teddy on her first assignment. Teddy continued to laugh, causing many to stare at the pair. Flushing with embarrassment, Scarlett strode away from the centre of attention, with Teddy following her.

Hey,

No offense to you or your story but the Vampire thing is a bit cliche at this point. I'm going to keep reading but be aware to not make this a generic vampire story because those are starting to annoy me... I like it so far though


~Jasmine Bells~
Peace, Love, Writing, Insanity and Chocolate

Hey! Your writing style, I love it! Haha. Anyways just adding a little bit more too Jasmine's review: You should change up your vampires. Make 'em original. Only because everyone is getting tired of reading the same love/vampire story. Yours is to soon to judge on the vampire part. Not trying to be rude or say your topic is garbage. I'm just saying maybe you should change your vampires, throws some twists in there to keep readers entertained and not being bored and guessing everything your story will be and deciding not to read it. Hope this helps.

The only grammatical error I saw, keep in my I don't know a whole lot about sentence structure and etc., But when you are telling a age, or just stating any number that isn't a date you should spell it out. So instead of 19 and 4. Nineteen and four. My old English teach. said "Spell it out if it's under a hundred." Hope this helped. If you got confused by anything I said, just let me know. Looking forward to more

Thankyou for your comments - especially since even I've noticed the sudden craze for Vampire stories. Although, I give a bet that everyone who writing werewolf/vampire has been inspired by Twilight. I decided to go vampire ages ago, before I even heard of the book twilight, let alone the movie (Just so say this, rubbish vampire novel!). However, I never really got the idea right for a plot. I've only recently got the plot idea after watching a mild shounen ai anime about vampire detective/romance. I've always toyed with Vampires, so I really hope this is better than Twilight fan stories. (Even my friends, who loathe Twilight like it so far.)

I'll try to keep in mind about writing numbers out. Thankyou

Fantasydotcom

Some ideas, don't read if you don't want to know what happens in the story.
Shiro:

Spoiler

Wow, you are curious.
Shiro was born in the year 1814.04.03 and died in the year 1838.12.23. He was married to Hannah Winters and had a daughter called Sarah Winters. Shortly after being turned, a vampire loses all his memories and hunts for blood. Kuro Skye took him to his family and Shiro slaughtered his entire household. In the story, Shiro resents Skye for this, as Shiro can remember his daughter.
I'm still planning heis personality.
Original name before Vampire : Thomas Winters

Your good friend, Skutter11, here. I know I've read the paper version of this and I just wanted to say good one!