The Others

I watched through the scope as the Lion exited the helicopter alone. His golden mane whipped around his face from the revolving rotary blades on the helicopter, not allowing me to get an accurate identification. I removed my eye from the scope and glanced at the photo sitting on stool next to me. The mane color was exactly the same, but that could be easily replicated, and if I made a false identification it would mean bad news for me. Looking back through the scope, I watched the helicopter lift up of the helipad and fly away, leaving the Lion on the roof. His hair settled back on his head, but I still couldn’t see his face, and the only entrance leading off of the roof would put his back to me.
I would have to make a decision soon. Even though there would be horrible consequences if I were to kill the wrong person, they would be even worse if he were to live. Githinji of the Lion family was leader of a large crime organization, responsible, but never convicted, for thousands of murders and destruction of people’s lives. If he didn’t die many more would die. I knew what I would have to do. Whether or not this man was Githinji, he had to die.
He began walking towards as I made quick adjustments to the alignment of my scope, using the tail from my demi-form to read the movements of the wind. I loaded a single round into the gun, lined the crosshairs up with his head, and took the shot. Blood splattered against the concrete as the bullet pierced his body. I could not tell where the shot landed, but wherever it did hit, he couldn’t possibly live from it.
Satisfied, I pulled the spent cartridge from the gun and pocketed it. I began packing the gun into its case and burned the image of Githinji. Though many will be thankful with his death, I could not leave any clues leading back to me or The Pack for his successor to find. Even the location I would shoot him from and the time he would die was carefully chosen so we could never be discovered. The roof of the Avian Tower was considered almost inaccessible to anyone but the bird families, but a quick bribe to the heads of the families allowed me to climb through the air ducts leading to the roof. And Tuesday night, at nine thirty was when visited the group of his lionesses, something he wouldn’t want any of his guards to join.
I slung the gun case onto my back, and attached my grappling hook to an iron railing. I stared down, looking at the ground a thousand feet below. Though, I was not afraid of heights, my wolf instincts always made me feel that it was not made for. With a sigh I attached the rope to myself and jumped off the roof. Letting gravity take over I quickly descended, floors coming and going before I had a chance to look inside, but my plan was not for me to descend all the way to ground.
The thirtieth floor had no windows at all. This was so the bird families did not have to go directly to the first floor, which is where everyone else entered. It was convenient for them considering ninety-five percent of all the workers at the Avian Tower operated on the thirty-first floor and up, the other twenty-nine floors were for the few of the flightless bird families worked. And thanks to them that also meant there were stairs that there were stares here incase they had something to take to their higher-ups.
I swung inside, planted both my feet firmly on the floor, and detached the rope, letting it swing freely on the side of the building. The stair way was located directly in the center surrounded by holes in the concrete roof, leading to the upper floors. I entered the stairway and found it empty of anyone; I smiled, knowing that my expensive bribe was quickly paying off. Wasting no time I descended strairs, and reached the bottom without running into a single person. The lobby at the bottom was equally empty.
I reached into my pocket and pressed a button on my cell phone, setting all cameras in the lobby into a one minute loop: more than enough time for me to get across. I walked right out the front door. My target was killed, and I got out without being caught. My job here was finished.

Hey this is my first review so..

Alright I loved the way you write and the detail you gave. I just had a few problems.

Sentence and wording problems:

Lethero wrote:I would have to make a decision soon. Even though there would be horrible consequences if I were to kill the wrong person,

If it's really a Lion the character is looking at, shouldn't you call it a animal or creature? Or something along those lines. Not person?

Also PS. I'm not trying to sound rude at all. If it comes across that way I'm truly sorry. I just don;t know "how" to review haha
Anyways..

Lethero wrote:He began walking towards as I made quick adjustments to the alignment of my scope,

What is he walking towards?

Anyways I liked the way you write, but I think you should put a introduction or something in. Because i'm confused on what your story is about. At first I thought it was about a world full of animals? But, you keep saying people and other things that make me think otherwise. Anyways i'm just confused. But I liked it . Either post here or message me letting me know what's going on in the story. Because I would love to keep reading it

Going to start by saying hi. I haven't been on YWS in a about a year and you'll be my first review back! So, I like to tear apart stories and insert my criticism as I go. I hope no one will have a problem with this. If paragraph are excluded, I didn't have much to say about them.

Lethero wrote:I watched through the scope as the Lion exited the helicopter alone. His golden mane whipped around his face from the revolving rotary blades on the helicopter, not allowing me to get an accurate identification. I removed my eye from the scope and glanced at the photo sitting on stool next to me. The mane color was exactly the same, but that could be easily replicated, and if I made a false identification it would mean bad news for me. Looking back through the scope, I watched the helicopter lift up of the helipad and fly away, leaving the Lion on the roof. His hair settled back on his head, but I still couldn’t see his face, and the only entrance leading off of the roof would put his back to me.

The only big thought that hit me while reading this was, "Is this guy a real assassin or is this his first time?" Logic would imply that a skilled sniper would realize he was facing away from the door and wouldn't get a view of the individual. Although, logic would also imply that the sniper would be more easily seen if taking a position with more visibility. That part just made me pause and think on it for a few moments. That's not necessarily a bad thing. Other than that, excellent beginning, it caught my attention. I really like how you're referring to him as "the Lion" in this part, it really adds to the mystique.

Lethero wrote:I would have to make a decision soon. Even though there would be horrible consequences if I were to kill the wrong person, they would be even worse if he were to live. Githinji of the Lion family was leader of a large crime organization, responsible, but never convicted, for thousands of murders and destruction of people’s lives. If he didn’t die many more would die. I knew what I would have to do. Whether or not this man was Githinji, he had to die.

I really like the internal debate going on and how you introduce some facts about the settings casually. This also brings up the questions, "Who is he working for?" and "What would these consequences be?" I'm excited to hear about the rest of this criminal syndicate. It all sounds very interesting so far. Also, this reveals a trait of the main character. I'm not sure if it's determination or ruthlessness yet but it feels like he wants to do the right thing.

Lethero wrote:He began walking towards as I made quick adjustments to the alignment of my scope, using the tail from my demi-form to read the movements of the wind. I loaded a single round into the gun, lined the crosshairs up with his head, and took the shot. Blood splattered against the concrete as the bullet pierced his body. I could not tell where the shot landed, but wherever it did hit, he couldn’t possibly live from it.

Alright, what's he walking towards? I had to reread that a few times to figure it out. I'm assuming he's talking towards the door. No idea what a "tail from my demi-form" is, but I'll go with it. Hmm, from the shot to the blood spatter seemed very quick. You can elaborate on how the main character felt at the time. On the other hand, bullets do move pretty fast, so it really depends on how you feel about it.

Lethero wrote:Satisfied, I pulled the spent cartridge from the gun and pocketed it. I began packing the gun into its case and burned the image of Githinji. Though many will be thankful with his death, I could not leave any clues leading back to me or The Pack for his successor to find. Even the location I would shoot him from and the time he would die was carefully chosen so we could never be discovered. The roof of the Avian Tower was considered almost inaccessible to anyone but the bird families, but a quick bribe to the heads of the families allowed me to climb through the air ducts leading to the roof. And Tuesday night, at nine thirty was when visited the group of his lionesses, something he wouldn’t want any of his guards to join.

If this guy, Githinhi, was such a big player, wouldn't he have guards? This also explains the weird position and it just explained the guard thing. Hm. You think a smart guy would bring at least two guards to protect him. Couldn't a bribe me somewhat traced? A description given of the briber, at the very least. I didn't like the last sentence all that much. It didn't make much sense to me, I think it should be reworded.

And Tuesday night, at nine thirty was when he visited his group of lionesses, something he wouldn’t want any of his guards to join.

Just a few little changes.

This also brings up more questions like, "Who's 'The Pack'?", "Who's his successor? Will he be trouble in the future?"

Lethero wrote:I slung the gun case onto my back, and attached my grappling hook to an iron railing. I stared down, looking at the ground a thousand feet below. Though, I was not afraid of heights, my wolf instincts always made me feel that it was not made for. With a sigh I attached the rope to myself and jumped off the roof. Letting gravity take over I quickly descended, floors coming and going before I had a chance to look inside, but my plan was not for me to descend all the way to ground.

Wolf instincts? I've never heard about that, so I'm going to assume it's something setting wise. I like really like how you described his way down. It's nicely done.

Lethero wrote:The thirtieth floor had no windows at all. This was so the bird families did not have to go directly to the first floor, which is where everyone else entered. It was convenient for them considering ninety-five percent of all the workers at the Avian Tower operated on the thirty-first floor and up, the other twenty-nine floors were for the few of the flightless bird families worked. And thanks to them that also meant there were stairs that there were stares here incase they had something to take to their higher-ups.

Bird families? It's not "incase," it's "in case."

Lethero wrote:I swung inside, planted both my feet firmly on the floor, and detached the rope, letting it swing freely on the side of the building. The stair way was located directly in the center surrounded by holes in the concrete roof, leading to the upper floors. I entered the stairway and found it empty of anyone; I smiled, knowing that my expensive bribe was quickly paying off. Wasting no time I descended strairs, and reached the bottom without running into a single person. The lobby at the bottom was equally empty.

Wouldn't a free hanging rope look suspicious? Wouldn't it tip the successor off as to where the shooter had been? But that takes into account that someone would actually find the rope. You typo'd "strairs" instead of "stairs" on the second to last sentence.

Lethero wrote:I reached into my pocket and pressed a button on my cell phone, setting all cameras in the lobby into a one minute loop: more than enough time for me to get across. I walked right out the front door. My target was killed, and I got out without being caught. My job here was finished.

Excellent ending. I'd like to know more about the main character, though. S/he seems interesting so far.

It was a pretty good story altogether, with a nice opening and it seems to have it's own world with it's own slang. That's always a good thing because it adds more depth to the story. It seems to be a modern fantasy (after all, it is in the fantasy section) and you're doing it quite well. You had some typos here and there and some of your sentences were a bit muddled, but the kinks should be worked out and the flow of your story should be better with a bit more editing. Overall, it was pretty good, although it could be better. My only advice is to edit, edit and edit again.

Anyway, good luck and keep writing,
-MID

Wow, Made. My review looks like a fun size candy bar. Compared to your king size candy. Well done! I guess I just need more practice on how to review haha!

I just like tearing stories apart and giving reviews like that. It's called an inline review, where you go after every paragraph and say what you think. I'm really used to it after using another site that uses that review type.

Hmm, I think I'll try that. Thanks for the tip

I think this is very well-written. I think I noticed some choppy sentences. However, these were already bought up by the other reviews. So I am not going to repeat on what the others said.

I think this can be expanded into something longer such as a longer story and perhaps even a novel. This story gives detail about the characters-your main character the assassin and the lion. You can expand on the story by giving a background about each and how they get into your current roles.

You can also create a plot where your MC actually wounded the lion.

Excellent description and detail. I can visualize the lion.

Hello!

I always enjoy reading your stories 'cause they're unique compared to the majority of other stories here on YWS. Props to you for tackling something original!

I think this is an excellent start. One thing I didn't like is the pace of it. I felt myself zoning out at times. You spend a lot of the time describing the process of putting the gun in, for example. The reader is more interested in where they are, why he's there, what could happen, how he's so acrobatic or criminal mastermind, etc. Maybe if you exposed some background?

However, I don't think you were trying to give us any background. You're focusing more on the action here, so what will help is if you switched your style up and make it seem rushed. Don't take time describing everything, just lead the reader through the process of shooting this guy who the MC hope is the right guy to kill. It should seem nerve-wracking and tense like in a movie.

I am assuming that you're continuing this though. If this is a short story, then definitely describe some background anyway while keeping the image appealing. This here sounds like it will be continued though because there are a lot of loose ends you need to tie up, so I hope that's what you were planning. xD In which case, I don't have much more to say!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!