7. The Shattering Of A Family Photo
Me and my family were seated in the tiny dinner table in their kitchen. I poked at the turkey ham on a large plate at the center of the table. I was having trouble cutting it. The meat was simply too thick for my five year old hands to cut it. My daddy stared as I played with the fork in my hand.
"Here let me cut you a piece sweetie," my daddy said, slicing a neat piece of ham for me.
"Thank you daddy," I said as he put the pink meat on my plate. A cup of iced tea and an empty red plate were next to my plateful of turkey ham.
"You are quite welcome," he said before taking a bite of his own ham. Harled was my daddy's name, Harled Connelly. He was a very happy person. I have never seen him go through a full ten minutes without smiling. I'm not sure how long that is, but it can't be too long. And when he smiled I had to smile back, because I just couldn't stop it. He told me that smiling was the most contagious virus. For a long time I had no idea what that meant. But when I asked that I wanted to know what it meant he happily told me.
Our talks usually went off topic, and he never seemed to mind, he went with the flow of my always changing thoughts. Him and my mommy Nessie were the happiest of people in my eyes. They called my eyes the eyes of innocence. I enjoyed spending time with them. May it be traveling, eating, watching movies on our small twenty inch rectangle TV, going to the always growing city of Bismarck, floating over the Missouri river on a boat, or just spending time with my family doing nothing.
Sometimes when my family is watching the news I sit with them even though I think it's boring. But, sometimes my mommy takes me out of the room when the people say things like, "If you have any young children in the room we highly suggest you ask them to leave" and then they used big words like graphic, and disturbing. My house isn't very big, so I could always hear the TV. And I always covered my ears, because what I heard was scary. There were big booms, and loud noises that sounded like fireworks, sometimes I heard people crying and telling sad stories about something called war.
"Stacey?" my mommy said.
"Yes mommy?" I said turning to face her. She was a pretty brown haired lady who was almost thirty years old. I don't know how much that is, but I think it's a lot more than eighteen, the highest I have ever counted. My mommy always said that she felt like she was looking at a picture of herself as a child when sh looked at me. I really don't think she looks a thing like me. Because how could she? My mommy is like a giant to me. The only thing about us that is the same is that we are both girls, and the brown color of our eyes and hair.
"Why is Thanksgiving a holiday?" my mommy asked.
"Uh-huh," I said, remembering how my teacher, Mrs. Taylor, told me and my class about why Thanksgiving was important.
Both my mommy and daddy smiled as they waited for me to answer.
"Because the Pilgrims and Native Americans became friends?" I said.
"Works for me," my daddy said before taking a drink of his tea. The ice swished in the cup.
"Oh, and because it's a way to Thank God," I said after remember what my mommy told me. In school I was allowed to talk about God. I don't know why. When I looked up at my daddy he wasn't smiling anymore. It made me sad seeing him not smile. And I wasn't sure but I think he looked kind of angry.
My mommy cleared her throat and said, "Well, I think it's time I bring out the pie."
"Yes, that would be splendid," my daddy said wiping away gooey stuff on his plate where there used to be turkey ham. My mommy didn't have very many plates so we were going to use the same ones that had turkey for the pie. I once asked them why we don't have as many things as other people. They said that those people just had more money.
I didn't know much about money other than you could buy stuff with it. To me it was just green paper, and a bunch of little coins. But, I did wonder why the house me and my family lived in was so small compared to the ones around us. And why was almost every house here smaller than the ones in other parts of town?
"Here comes the pie," my mommy said sitting it next to the remaining slices of turkey ham. I inhaled the warm sweet aroma of the apple pie. My mouth watered and my stomach couldn't wait to have the pie inside it. I thought of the ham, it was a turkey that had been turned into ham. My mommy had said that we couldn't afford to buy a real turkey this Thanksgiving. I didn't mind, just being out of school and spending time with them was enough.
"Stacey, do you want me to cut you a piece of the pie?" my daddy said.
"Yes please," I said. I didn't want to make a mess at the table by trying to cut a piece of the pie myself. My mommy was busy enough to have to clean up my mess. I watched my daddy's hands closely as they cut a neat triangle of pie. I couldn't figure out how he did it.
"Here you are sweetie," he said putting the pie on my plate. "Enjoy your tasty triangle."
"I will, thanks daddy," I said stabbing the pie with my fork. I quickly gobbled the tip of the pie.
"Easy Stacey, you don't want to rush through your meal do you?" my mommy said, "After all it's not everyday we get to eat like this."
I could hear a bit of sadness in her voice. What she said was true, we often just ate the same thing that was cooked on Sunday and left over for the rest of the week. We didn't eat any of the fancy foods that I saw families eat in movies. I always wondered what those foods tasted like.
We ate our slices of pie without saying a word. When I finished I wondered why daddy always grew silent when I said something about God, and about why he never went to church with me and mommy. I was about to ask him why he always grew quiet when I talked about those things before I remembered how he had looked when I said that Thanksgiving was also a way of Thanking God. But, oh how I did want to ask him. I never did though; I don't like seeing him not being happy.
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It has been a little while since I turned six on January 18, and I don't feel any older. My birthday was different from the ones other kids have. First of all I didn't have a party or presents. Maybe I didn't get any presents because I said I didn't need any, but I think I know what the truth was. My parents just couldn't waste too much money on things when it had to be used to pay for the house. But why? Didn't my mommy and daddy already buy the house? I was smart, but I didn't know about any grownup things.
My daddy is still as happy as he has always been, and me and my mom still go to church. Something my daddy still doesn't do with us. I finally asked him one day, but he didn't say anything about it. He didn't even look at me. It made me feel bad. My daddy always answered my questions before. I felt like asking him again because I thought that maybe he didn't hear me, but he walked away when I tried.
When he left for work after mommy came home from her job I asked her why daddy didn't go to church with us. She didn't answer either, at first. I felt like crying. First my daddy didn't listen to me, and now my mommy. But she did answer me after she was quiet for a while. After taking a deep breath she told me, "Stacey, your father doesn't believe in God... not anymore."
After hearing that I cried and asked why. She said it was because my daddy thought religion was the reason why people hated each other, and why there was so much war. I learned what war was three months ago, it was bad. It was how grownups had fights. Not fights like the ones the boys in my school have. They were fights with guns, cars, giant robot things, and even things that could fly. After learning about that I was afraid of ever plane that flew over my house.
Days went by, then weeks, followed by months, and my daddy still did not go to church with us. My mommy told me that we didn't have to go to church either, but also that we weren't really a church with just two people. I never did get what that meant, but I never asked. Because, I think I already knew what it meant. I didn't like school much, the kids were sometimes mean to me. Especially those that saw me walk from my house to the bus.
They called me poor, and said that I lived in a box. I told my mommy and daddy this. They told me not to let them hurt my feelings. My mommy said that we were rich in love. And I smiled, because I knew we were. She also said that those kids who were mean to me might have more many than us, but they may not be so rich in happiness. Happiness and love, my mommy and daddy said, was something not even all the money in the world could buy. They weren't lying, if they could be bought then there wouldn't be so much fighting in the world.
The thing called war was getting worse my daddy had told me. Actually I'm hearing about it right now after my mommy asked me to step out of the room. She trusted me to listen, and I did. "Ten American troops are reported dead as a result of a roadside bombing," said a news person. "Let's go to Second Lieutenant Ashley."
Everything was quiet for a little while. "Excuse me, Second Lieutenant Ashley, may we ask you a few questions? We're not in the way of anything are we?" the news person said.
"I'd rather you not, gentlemen," said a grumpy sounding voice. I was surprised that Ashley was a man. I thought Ashley was only a girl name. "I lost good men today, I don't look at them as expendable tools as most men in command. I see them as what they are, young men with families and friends. Every time I see them I see somebody who yearns to be back with his family, but I also see that they are fighting to ensure the continued liberty of their loved ones and of the entire nation," Ashley became quiet. "And now they will never be reunited."
The man talked like they were his best friends in the whole wide world. I couldn't stop from crying after hearing him.
"Thank you, Ashley," the news man said. "As you can see behind me is what is left of this part of the street after two cars rigged with explosives past by and detonated. The weapons of war have changed over the years, and this incident is nothing different. The explosives were so powerful that the buildings on either side were quite literally blown in half. Fortunately nobody was in the buildings at the time. But, the damage and loss of soldier lives remain."
I wanted to take one peak at what was on TV, but I was too scared of what I might see. So I stayed far away from the TV until my mommy said it was OK for me to come back. When she did I ran to her and sat in the couch between her and daddy. "Welcome back Stacey," my mommy said putting a hand on my shoulder. I grabbed touched the hand and smiled. I liked how soft it was. My mommy called them gardener soft. I had to ask her what gardener meant after she told me that.
That was one of the questions that I got answers to. The ones I asked daddy, or mommy about daddy were never answered. By daddy, but even though my mommy answered sometimes, they were never the words that I wanted to know. I pretended not to be thinking about those things and just watched the rectangle TV in front of me were a lot of boring store things were being shown.
"You would think that the concept of commercials would have been gotten rid of years ago," my daddy said.
"Look on the bright side of things Harled, at least they are half as short as what they were when we were kids," my mommy said.
"I suppose you're right love," my daddy said. "Two minute commercials unnecessarily extended programs."
"Daddy?" I said.
"How was it when you were little?"
"Sweetie, they were the same as they are today," my daddy said before sighing. "And things don't seem like they are about to change anytime soon. Stacey what you really need to know is that mankind is capable of great compassion, but the side that shows the most is our destructive nature, understand?"
"No, daddy, I don't," I said. Lying was something I never did. Both my mommy and daddy taught me to always be honest. I waited for daddy to tell me what he meant, but he didn't. I didn't mind, I think I would feel better if he didn't tell me about it until later. We watched the rest of the boring things and then the news came back on. I rested my head on daddy's shoulders and closed my eyes. I could hear somebody on TV saying that it might rain on Friday, then I heard my mommy and daddy talk to each other. They sounded so happy, like they never got mad at each other. I listened to them talk, falling asleep.
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Seven years old, and almost four years of school. The kids are starting to become meaner than before. I told my teacher, but she doesn't do much. I also told my mommy, and she said that I should tell a teacher. I want to scream at her and tell her that I do, and that it doesn't help. But I don't, I would never talk back to my mommy.
So I just don't listen to the mean kids. They get tired of bothering me and just go to somebody else. My favorite part of the day is when I get home. But the getting there part is bad. Riding the bus hasn't changed. My parents are more and more busy every day, and since they can't pay for a bay sitter they tell me to lock the doors and not let anybody in the house. They told me not to even go near the door.
I wasn't scared about being in the house alone, and nobody ever came by so I never had to hide from any knocking people. My mommy wasn't gone for long, only a few minutes later than last year. But my daddy, he came back really late. I was almost always asleep before he came home. I didn't see him much during the day. And in the morning he looked kind of grumpy.
I missed his smile. And sometimes I hear him and mommy arguing. I don't like it, so every time they are mean to each other I go outside. It's nice to see and hear the birds. I love birds, I love how cute they are, and how they can be so high in the sky. They can do whatever they want. And the mean birds like eagles and falcons, my mommy said, only killed when they had to eat. They weren't like people who killed because they were greedy.
A beautiful white bird flew through the air above my head and chirped. It was such a wonderful sound. I watched as it flew against the wind like it wasn't there. How could such beauty be left in a world like this? I may still be little, but I know that things are changing. And not just in the world, but with my family. There doesn't seem to be anyway I can stop it. Because, how can I help my mommy and daddy when I don't know why they're talking so meanly to each other? And now here I am wiping away my tears. The wind stung my eyes.
My daddy told me that when he was little it was warmer in the spring, the sun was brighter, and that the grass, and trees were greener. And he also told me that there used to be more kinds of birds and other animals. But, that's not how he said it, he said they had gone the way of the dinosaurs. They were dead, dead, dead!
I picked up a dandelion and taking a deep breath blew onto it. The little white fluffy things spread into a hundred pieces and floated away. I let the stem fall out of my hand. It did not make any noise as it hit the grass under my feet. I shivered as a wind blew through the backyard. The birds chirped and every dandelion had its white fluffy things blown away. They swirled through the air and floated into the air, like birds. But, also like all the people that were dying in the wars. An evil wind was blowing them away.
After a long time I headed back to the house. I walked slowly on purpose, my mommy and daddy sometimes argued for a long time.
But if it is still too much I'll see how to address it.