Bloody Tears

When I cry I shed more blood than tears,

when I'm scared I show more anger than fears.

But by your side I show more love,

than anything I've listed above.



When I bleed I bleed for me,

and everything my life has seen.

But the tears I shed, they are for you,

and everything you watch me bleed through.

I really like this. I feel the emotion that you are sharing through this and it is amazing to me how wonderful this is. I love it keep writing.

-Flower-

But, the tears I shed, They are for you,

The 'they' should not be capitilized.

I really liked this, actually. I mean, sure the subject of love is a little overused, but I like it! I think your first line is the greatest, but at the same time, I think there are too many syllables. I really wanted to just ask you if you could get rid of the 'blood' in the first sentence, but, of course, you need it. So if you can find a way to cut that sentence down, do it!

Classy

I liked the simplicity of this poem, but the rhythm just feels off to me. With the exception of the first two lines of the last stanza, none of the rhyming lines share the same rhythm. Rhyme relies on rhythm to be effective, as does flow, and if the rhythm is not consistent, both the rhyme and the flow feel off.

Another thing I think could be improved is your punctuation; it was inconsistent and sometimes misused. Punctuation can really enhance or destroy the flow of a poem, so it's something that needs to be used carefully. For example, the comma after "but" in "But, the tears I shed, They are for you," is grammatically incorrect and disrupts the natural flow of words. The capitalized "they" was also visually a bit jarring, and it doesn't make sense to capitalize it from a grammatical or aesthetic point of view.

That said, I did like this poem. I think you handled the blood/love theme well without veering too much into cliche territory. I would have liked to see a bit more original imagery (shedding blood like tears is very much overused) and maybe a bit of expansion on the narrator's feelings, though the simplicity of this poem is what I really enjoyed most.

Hey there, Smilie face!



Kyllorac covered some of the more structural points of things, so, on content, Ihave to say that I felt that this could be improved. I think the theme is a little overused; tears, bleeding, and love are all so commonly placed together that it becomes difficult to make them come off as original, dear, especially if you keep it simplistic with rhyme. I think, instead of just narrating these lines to us, maybe you should try to toss some imagery into the mix? Instead of saying "When I cry" (because that's a preachy-narrative, and in poetry, those aren't your strongest bet) how about say "Two drops of blood for every tear"? Even still, I think that message could be brought alive by using visual description to compliment it.

Moreover, rhyme holds poetry back, lots of times. Sometimes, it's a wonderful device, but other times, it rains tediously on us, and restricts your imagination and your ability to vividly convey your ideas -- my advice would be to lay it aside as you write, and return to it once you've established the message you want to get across the water. Usually, that helps a poem sound right and flow right and click to kick-butt rhyme.

Thanks for sharing! Keep writing!

June

So this interesting thing about this poem is that it's supposed to be a piece found in a dramatic 13 year old girls diary in a novel I'm writing. I feel like cliche love poems would be plentiful in a you g girls diary. What do you think? Perhaps I should have made that apparent with a little note before the poem, but on the other hand I guess I wanted to hear a review for my fictional character's writing skills too. Thanks guys!

Your 13 year old must be very smart, because when I was thirteen, I was not able to write things like this.

If I can ask, what problems was she going through when she wrote this?

So this interesting thing about this poem is that it's supposed to be a piece found in a dramatic 13 year old girls diary in a novel I'm writing. I feel like cliche love poems would be plentiful in a you g girls diary. What do you think? Perhaps I should have made that apparent with a little note before the poem, but on the other hand I guess I wanted to hear a review for my fictional character's writing skills too. Thanks guys!

This is probably important enough to be included in the initial post as an author's note

With that information in mind, this makes sense to me as a emo poem written by somebody just starting to investigate the world of poetry. If anything it's almost satirical though, because it's so very emo that it seems a little bit like you're mocking the whole trend of inexperienced poetry.

So, it could be more subtle. If you need help finding examples of 13-year-old female poets, there'll be a plethora on this site, no doubt.

Captain classy! : My thirteen year old IS very smart, she's even in a 'gifted and talented educational resources program'. She's going through her roughest times yet, her mom left her and her younger brother with a very abusive father, her best friend killed herself, and she's starting to display symptoms of a borderline personality disorder. OH! She also just kissed her first boy If you would like to read some parts of the first two chapters you can find them here:

Chapter one: topic56770.html
The first half of chapter two: topic56910.html


Firestarter : Thank you! I'm going to edit it a bit, I'm hardly a poet, and neither is Dakota Your input is greatly appreciated. This forum does serve as inspiration for me