Dichotomized

EDay wrote:Fast Forward
This war was before our time child. As you wish to hear information, to know why our world is the way it is today, we must start at the beginning, before the beginning. There are two Angels who bartered the life of a young girl, much like you are today, This kind of makes it sound like the MC is assuming that the reader is a girl. I'm not sure, but if I, being a girl, was reading a story where the MC is talking to a male audience only, I'd feel excluded and might not continue reading it. and they represent the Evil and Good. To understand what is going on you must know where they came from.
Damien:
Was an Angel, which rebelled against God’s plan. As he reported to the devil to receive his new apparel the devil had a different plan in stock for him, though over a hundred years before him, he for saw a coming of winner in the much well known war of Armageddon. I'm really tired and distracted right now, but after reading this sentence over a few times, I still don't fully understand it. He made Damien a costume of human skin, and sent him to wait for the secret weapon that would decide the outcome to the war. He was informed to use any devious technique to lead this women war goddess to join the cause of evil, but was strictly told not to behold affairs.
Shawn:
He is an Angel, used by God to save his lamb from the lions grip. Sent over centuries before to wait and watch Celtics do witch craft even walk among their gatherings waiting and searching for the fore told Fate. He was told to approach with truth once found the piece that could be used to defeat good in the final battle between good and evil. As he traveled on instinct he arrived in Vermont and attended a gathering that was taking place, it was soon when he realized that this was the Fate he was looking for and stopped chanting. Saving her from immediate death but sending her on the longest journey of her life, all he could think was not her, not now, she’s too beautiful. He knew his job wasn’t going to be that easy, he now had fulfilled the first step in the prophecy; he made her the “wild card”. Now he had to convince her to go with him, and stay out of the depths of evil, but can only use truth and not a lie can be shed or he is discarded and would make evil win the final battle and leave them to roam the earth controlling humans for years to come.
Now naïve sweetie, again, you're targeting this towards a female audience by addressing the reader as "sweetie"...not many guys I know would like being called that. you can comprehend the lesson today. I guess well I should start where the trouble began and then go back and explain…
Two wings, small and jagged; one pitch black and one was pure snow white, they are ugly. They stick out of my back and make me feel so outset. Things have been occurring everything about me doesn’t make sense anymore; it’s these stupid wings. I am human, aren’t I? But, since when do humans have these monstrous mountains on their back? As I examined myself in the mirror, the room started to hazily get black. A chilly death feeling washed over me, and upon the mirror I saw a sketch of a man, well a man with large dirty wings and a pale beaten face, he looked like he needed me. For some reason I wasn’t afraid, in some manor manner it felt like I knew him. His voice was hoarse, “My, you are beautiful. Much more than I anticipated when I got assigned to you,” how he wore all black and had an attractive edginess and I wanted him to be in my room and not in my mirror. This whole part is very rushed and awkward. The dialogue should flow, so that it would sound as if he actually was talking. Try having it read something like, His voice was hoarse as he said, "My, you are beautiful. Much more than I anticipated when I was assigned to you." (New paragraph) He wore all black and had an attractive edginess, and I wanted him to be in my room, not in my mirror. “I am not beautiful, look at this,” I turned around to let him properly examine my back. “Aw, but that is what makes you beautiful. Well, at least half of it is beautiful,” he said as he almost indicated that white was evil. “Who are you?” I found myself hoping he said something corny like, yours or something romantic like that, but that’s just a work of fiction movie stuff—right? “My name is Damien, I am a…Angel. Only for a much more honest ruler; the one of white lies only because he finds himself more righteous. You of course can become one of us. Be with me forever.” His grin almost made me want to sign up right then and there, “Anything with you and forever sounds like a plan for me,” I realized I was flirting with a mirror. “Well, then I’ll be back. I will see you through and save you from death forever,” as he ended the word forever the entire room returned to normal. Now every time the characters speak, it should be a different paragraph. It helps break up the page and makes it easier on the reader's eyes, not to mention makes it easier to know who's talking.
Images flashed in my head of his wings, so much larger. Did that mean I was dead if I had wings? Well he said he’d save me from death forever, as my fantasies grew larger I didn’t realize that another painting forming in my mirror. This was another who bared wings, but this one of snow white. His elegant crisp hazel nut hair captivated me, but still I wished it was Damien. “Hello there Fate, my name is Shawn. I am here to save you, from darkness and evil,” his voice was creamy and yet again it felt like he was referring to Damien. “What is going on?” I felt my heart asking as I was tugged in two different directions. “You are created, and divided; both sides of the eternal world want you. You are a promised angel, and I was sent from the heavens to guide you right.” Those words he said made my head spin, “How do you know what is right and wrong and how dare you be the judge of that!” I found myself angry, “I don’t want any of this, get out! Go away. Now,” I screamed at the mirror and it shattered into a thousand pieces, and Shawn and his amazing beauty was gone. My mind ached and I grabbed a large piece of mirror and started to slice of the ugly wings that were causing me this dilemma. I shouted in my throat, it burned and the blood drizzled down my back. I’m sorry Shawn, and then the white wing fell to the floor. Then I dug the glass into my back again missing entirely my intended hitting zone, so I stroked again and in one slice the black wing hit the ground and landed next to the white one, I am sorry Damien. I let my back bleed and I felt dizzy like I just spun in the room entirely. It was the stupid wings, I kicked them beneath my bed; I needed them out of my sight. Again, you need more paragraphs, and all of this just seemed very, very rushed. You had quite a few run-on sentences, some of which were missing punctuation, which made it difficult to read.

“My name is Damien, I am a…Angel.

I screeched and cursed under my breathe.

This war was before our time child. As you wish to hear information, to know why our world is the way it is today, we must start at the beginning, before the beginning. There are two Angels who bartered the life of a young girl. She was very average, and they represented the Evil and Good that lives in this world. To understand what is going on you must know their origins. I kind of felt like that was a run-on sentence, and it needed to be split into two. It's all up to you guys, though, since you're the authors!

Damien:

Was an Angel, who rebelled against God’s plan. When angels fall, or rebel, they then are given a "costume" made of hatred and evilAwesome imagery here., and look most terrifying. As Damien reported down to the underworld to receive his new apparel, the Devil had something special in stock for him. He stitched Damien a costume of human flesh, so he could track down the winner of the war Armageddon.Oooh, I love that word. Sorry. :] He was informed to use any devious technique to lead this woman war goddess to join the cause of evil, but was strictly told not to behold affairs.

Shawn:

He is an Angel, used by God to save his lamb from the lions grip.I like this sentence, but you might want to go into further detail about the lion's grip so that the reader can understand what it is and whatnot. Sent over centuries before to wait and watch Celtics do witchcraft(This should be one word.) even walk among their gatherings; waiting and searching for the foretold Fate. He was told to approach with truth once found the piece that could be used to defeat good in the final battle between good and evil.Intense, love it! As he traveled on instinct he arrived in Vermont and attended a gathering that was taking place, it was soon when he realized that this was the Fate he was looking for and stopped chanting. Saving her from immediate death but sending her on the longest journey of her life, all he could think was: Not her, not now, she’s too beautiful. He knew his job wasn’t going to be that easy, he now had fulfilled the first step in the prophecy; he made her the “wild card”. Now he had to convince her to go with him, and stay out of the depths of evil, but can only use truth. Not a lie can be shed or he is discarded and would make evil win the final battle and leave them to roam the earth controlling humans for years to come. That sentence was kind of a run-on too, so I suggest to divide it into two.

Now naïve seeker, you can comprehend the lesson today. I guess well I should start where the trouble began and then go back and explain…

Two wings, small and jagged; one pitch black and one was pure snow white, they are ugly. They stick out of my back and make me feel so outset.Hmmm. Outset? Maybe you should use a different word, like "outcasted". Just suggesting, though. Things have been occurring, everything about me doesn’t make sense anymore; it’s these stupid wings. I am human, aren’t I?I like this line. It pulls the reader back into the story and what the character is thinking becomes more clear. But, since when do humans have these monstrous mountains on their back?Love that comparison. As I examined myself in the mirror, the room started to hazily get black. A chilly death feeling washed over me, and upon the mirror I saw a sketch of a man. Well, a man with large dirty wings and a pale beaten face, he looked like he needed me.I felt like that sentence was well-written, but a little too info-dumped. For some reason I wasn’t afraid, in some manner it felt like I knew him. His voice was hoarse, “My, you are beautiful. Much more than I anticipated when I got assigned to you”. Good first dialogue.

He wore all black and had an attractive edginess and I wanted him to be in my room and not in my mirror.Gives the characcter an opinion about the other character, which helps the reader see his role in the story. I like it.

“I am not beautiful, look at this,” I turned around to let him properly examine my back.

“Aw, but that is what makes you beautiful. Well, at least half of it is beautiful,” he said as he almost indicated that white was evil. I really like this dialogue because it lets the reader know what white means, and also subtly gives a hint that the color is important. Well done.

“Who are you?” I found myself hoping he said something corny like, yours or something romantic like that, but that’s just a work of fiction movie stuff—right?Ha, been there!

“My name is Damien, I am an…Angel. Only for a much more honest ruler; the one of white lies only because he finds himself more righteous. You of course can become one of us. Be with me forever.” His grin almost made me want to sign up right then and there, “Anything with you and forever sounds like a plan for me,” I realized I was flirting with a mirror.Tells the reader how the character feels about this character, which is always good.

“Well, then I’ll be back. I will see you through and save you from death forever,” as he ended the word forever the entire room returned to normal.

Images flashed in my head of his wings. They appeared a lot larger in my imagination than I knew they were. Did that mean I was dead if I had wings? Well that wouldn't make sense considering he said he’d save me from death forever. My mind wondered and I began to want to be in his arms, to stroke each feather in his wings. I wanted to taste his lips, to feel wild and forever...forever sounds good.Good imagery. I liked it when you said "to feel wild and forever". It was extremely well-written. As my fantasies grew larger I didn’t realize that another painting was forming in my mirror. This man was another who bared wings, but this one of snow white. His elegant crisp hazel nut hair captivated me, but still I wished it was Damien.

“Hello there Fate, my name is Shawn. I am here to save you, from darkness and evil,” his voice was creamy and yet again it felt like he was referring to Damien. It was infuriating to think anyone would think that Damien was evil. Finalizes Fate's opinion of Damien, and also her opinion of Shawn. Clears up things for the reader, good job!

“What is going on?” I felt my heart asking as I was tugged in two different directions.I love that line for some reason.

“You are created, and divided; both sides of the eternal world want you. You are a promised angel, and I was sent from the heavens to guide you right.” Those words he said made my head spin, “How do you know what is right and wrong!? And how dare you be the judge of that!”(The only reason I ended it there was because I thought it would be better for the dialogue. Just a suggestion, though.) I found myself angry, “I don’t want any of this, get out! Go away. Now,”

I screamed at the mirror and it shattered into a thousand pieces, and Shawn and his amazing beauty was gone. My mind ached, I didn't know how to respond to all that was said, and all that was done. With my mind spinning my eyes caught something glinting in the light, it was a piece of the shattered mirror. It had looked so sharp, and so very tempting, I grabbed the large piece of mirror and started to slice of the ugly wings that were causing me this dilemma.Intense. Creates a picture in the mind. It also forms the opinion of hatred towards the wings. Good job. I shouted in my throat, it burned as the blood drizzled down my back. My skin was hot as I crammed the glass deeper into my skin, I could even hear it ripping.Intense, very descriptive. I’m sorry Shawn, and then the white wing fell to the floor with a thud. Then I dug the glass into my back again missing entirely my intended hitting zone. I screeched and cursed under my breath. I tried to ignore the gashes in my back and the blood dripping to the floor. Everything was so loud, and I felt like vomiting, so I stroked again and in one slice the black wing hit the ground and landed next to the white one, I am sorry Damien.I love the fact that she's aoplogizing to the two of them in her head. I let my back bleed and I felt dizzy like I just spun in the room entirely. It was the stupid wings, I kicked them beneath my bed; I needed them out of my sight. I needed this all to be just a dream, just a figment of my imagination, though in my gut I knew it wasn't. Great ending!

I screamed at the mirror and it shattered into a thousand pieces, and Shawn and his amazing beauty was gone.

He wore all black and had an attractive edginess and I wanted him to be in my room and not in my mirror.

Two wings, small and jagged; one pitch black and one was pure snow white, they are ugly.

A chilly death feeling washed over me, and upon the mirror I saw a sketch of a man, well a man with large dirty wings and a pale beaten face, he looked like he needed me.

Those words he said made my head spin, “How do you know what is right and wrong and how dare you be the judge of that!” I found myself angry, “I don’t want any of this, get out! Go away. Now,”
I screamed...