Mirror World- Prologue

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I've had this idea in my head for quite some time, I just decided to share it with you guys, let me know if you want more!

The noise of the school bell could be heard all throughput the building, its high pitched scream alerting the children.

“Alright class I’ll see you tomorrow.” Mrs. Cassidy said gloomily. The sound of chairs sliding back across the stone floor as well as the jumble of backpacks and school supplies could be heard all around. Finally the Friday’s school day had come to an end; now only the weekend lay ahead.

Slowly Stephanie packed her backpack and made her way out of the classroom. The hallways of her school were now swamped with students, the sound of slamming locker doors and pointless chatter bouncing off the walls. Stephanie worked her way through the groups of teenagers until she finally came to her locker.

She began the usual end of the day homework check in her mind. ‘Let’s see…math? No. French? Yes…” As she put her giant French book into her backpack. Suddenly she felt a hand on her shoulder. Turning around, she found Amanda and Kyle waiting for her. “Hey Stephanie! Wanna hang out tonight? Me and Kyle are going to the movies tonight, wanna come?” “Sure…” Stephanie said weakly. I wasn’t like she had anything else to do over the weekend. The only thing was the idea of watching a movie with the two love birds sitting next to her. “Sweet, meet at my house at 8, kay?” “Sure thing.” Stephanie replied, turning around. “Okay see you tonight!” Amanda called as she and Kyle walked off.

Stephanie walked down the empty halls towards the door. Everyone always ran off the second school was over, as though they had an urgent meeting to go to. Stephanie preferred to take life slowly, one step at a time. Finally, she was outside the building.

She walked down the steps to the curb and then through the teachers parking lot until she reached the curb of the busy street on the other side.

Just as she was about to cross over and go into the student parking lot, she saw Amanda walking up to the curb at the same time on the other side of the street. ‘Huh? That’s weird, Amanda’s always one of the first people to run out the school.’ She thought. Amanda was talking on her cell phone, absent mindedly yakking away, talking about how much she loved Kyle to one of her friends no doubt, Stephanie had certainly had her share.

Amanda walked into the road, just as a large SUV speed around the corner. “Shit!” Stephanie heard her mind scream. Before she could think of what to do, her body acted on its own as she dropped the extra books she was carrying and ran at full speed, pushing Amanda out of the way just in time.

But fate would not let this one go. Amanda gasped, her world moving in slow motion. Amanda hit the ground with a thud, the SUV crashing into Stephanie instead.
Stephanie felt the bumper of the car smash into her body, crushing her ribs, sending a shock wave throughout her body. Excruciating pain ripped through her body, the powerful blow of the car rendering her breathless, suffocating her. It wasn’t over just yet. Stephanie felt her body being lifted into the air, up over the hood of the car, across the top she rolled before flying off the side. As she fell to the ground, Stephanie squeezed her eyes shut, preparing for the impending doom of impact.

Her body fell to the ground helplessly. She crashed into the ground with an ungodly force, several bones cracking as she went. Her head jerked back and finally her skull hit the ground.

Her world went dark.
Last edited by Kinla on Wed Jan 20, 2010 10:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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Quite good, you've got some grammar problems there, such as the "Alright class..."where you should have a comma between 'alright' and 'class'. I didn't notice any spelling errors, but I was somewhat distracted by the cliche-ness of your story. Don't get me wrong, you did a great job, but it sound like all the other 'girl-leaves-school-has-no-boyfriend-finds-superpower-or-other-world' type stuff, at least, that's what it sounds like to me. If you could somehow pull Stephanie out and make her different somehow. You did a little of that with your "Stephanie preferred to take life slowly" bit, but you could use some more. How is this girl taking her slow-paced life? Is she gloomy? Does she blame someone? Her parents? What are her thoughts, her emotions as she walks along. You could work on that side of the story, since you seem to have the plot line down already.
Overall, you must remember, this is a prologue, the first bit of your book people will read. Therefore, it must pull the reader in or he'll never make it to the fifteenth chapter where the 'good stuff' happens.
Keep writing!
-ж-Ж-ж-




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Profread your paper. There's a lot of errors, like the misspelled "throughput" in the first sentence and the switching of Stephanie's name to "Sasha" in the second to last paragraph. I think you can get to the action sooner. It's a little slow paced for a prologue. But I like how you did eventually get to the action.
If you want to view paradise
Simply look around and view it
Anything you want to, do it
Want to change the world, there's nothing to it
-Wonka




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COOLIO :)
"You may not be educated well in the areas of etiquette and the like as a princess, but you do throw some bashing good parties!"
Not all princesses are pink sparkles.
Exhibit A



Deal with the faults of others as gently as with your own.
— Chinese proverb